Thrusday

I have decided that Thrusday is my new favorite day of the week because I actually get up in the morning go to school, but then I can stay up all late and stuff because I have nothing to do the next day. I mean I always have something to do but it's never something that is earlier than 10 or 11 o'clock, which is awesome!

So I am going to Toledo for Spring Break this year...which is kind of lame because I won't be out in the sun or anything, but I get to see my family. My brother is in grad school up there and he is really excited to see me...at least I hope so! I know that he wants me to go out with this friends, which I am actually kind of excited about. I mean I know they are history losers, but really I am a psych loser so it will be good. Plus I get to see my aunt and uncle who spoil me rotten and my grandma. I get to stay at my grandma's house this time, which is bad and good. I like staying there because the bed I sleep in is so nice and the room is completely dark, but I feel bad smoking at her house. I mean she use to small and all, but that was like a million years ago when people didn't know how smoking was bad...or how bad it really was! But I guess that's the same for my aunt's house too, but my uncle smokes sometimes.

I was orginially going to take the train, but it would take 12 hours and the train would be there at like 4 am. So I found a flight that was really cheap. I am really glad I am fighing and hey this is the first time I take a plane alone. Actually this is my first time traveling alone. Most of the time when I go places its with my family, so there is no reason to travel alone. I really excited that I finally can be on my own. My mom and dad get so stressed about leaving, but I don't. For one thing, I start packing like a week in advance, so I am not stressed the night before. And another, I am always early. I can never be late because I plan out everything. If the plane is late I can't do anything about that but I will be at the airport in time that there is no way I can miss my flight!!

Ironicly, my senior year of high school, I went to Toledo for Spring Break. I don't remember why...it might just have been that my dad had the time off. My sister, my dad and I went in the car. It was pretty good, expect for driving through PA. My dad was on the phone with work and my sister couldn't drive (she was 13 or 14), so I had to. I remember it snowing the whole way that I drove. I also remember that there was so many HUGE trucks on the highway. It was really my first time driving on such a big road. I think I cried after I was done...haha! That definetly makes me laugh now. How stupid was that??

So, my dad is "doing better"...whatever that means. I know that he has only been in therapy and on meds for at the most 3 weeks, so I know that he can't be doing that well. But hey what do I know??? I do know that he screams a lot less often now, which makes my house more sane. But NOT SANE!! I've been raelly stressed out lately so I haven't really notice too many things different, but hey like I said what do I know??

So...yeah

I've been so excited for today...Spice Girls Concert! But yesterday brought bad new about my dad. He is in out patient therapy, which is a good thing for him, but my parents were lying to me. I wasn't looking for anything, but he left his papers face up on the stairs and I know what IOP is so fuck him. We did talk about it but still all the secrets in my family kills us. I am so upset right now I can't even blog!

Me Bitching

So I am kind of sick of school and right now I think that I am getting sick. I don't need nor want to get sick right now. I have the Spice Girls Concert on Thrusday!! But if I feel this way tomorrow I am not going to go. That makes me so mad!! I have been waiting to see them since I was like 10 and now that I am 21 I am sick for their concert...lame!!!

But on a different note, I realize how unhelpful people are for "group" work. I have a homework assignment in my I/O psyc class and I have to ask 4 people to help and well none of them really want to help. It makes me rather upset because I would help people if I had to. Whatever, the homework is stupid anyways. I know people in my class were pissed off that we had to ask other people for help. I understand why we have to do this, but on the other hand its a pain in the ass to get other people to help you. It would be better if I could use people from class, which I don't know if I can do!! It makes me so angry!

Dog Sitting

So I am dog sitting all weekend, which is fine, but of course I am stressed out about everything. I have a paper due Tuesday and I just don't fucking care. But I did have some drama that I need to share.

On Valentine's Day OMGMyBoyfriend, was freaking out because her boyfriend didn't buy her anything. I understand that it is stressful for guy and everything. And I don't blame him at all. I mean she told him not to buy her anything, because she has "no expectations." Then I had to explain to her that she did in fact have expectations otherwise she wouldn't have given a shit. I don't really know what I am going to do with her. I called do something wrong...I called her boyfriend..I know I know! Anyways I told him that I wasn't mad at him or anything and I think he just need to make her a card and bring it too her work. So he did!! I was so proud!! But she was still pissed. I don't understand...I mean he did nothing and she was mad, then he did something, and she was mad! I think its because he has higher expectation than a card, but she won't admit it to herself or anyone less. Whatever!

I am just really bored lately with my life. It is kind of the same shit different day...but whatever. I have to go walk the dog.

Yesterday

My test was okay yesterday! I think it was what the professor wanted! There were some really hard questions that I didn't even know what he was asking and then there were others that were really simple! I am glad the first test is over!! It makes me feel so much better! Now we all know what his test are going to be like!

Voting was fine too! I got out of class at 5:40, and the polls closed at 7, so I thought I would have plenty of time. But then my car was frozen and traffic was horrible! But I made it there at about 6:35, so it was all good. Then one guy asked me if it was my first time voting...I didn't know if I should be offended or glad that I look like I could be 18! I even think that guy has seen me before...because he is always at the voting place. I usually vote a lot earlier but yesterday morning was stressful with all the test and everything for school!

Everyone was asking me what happened to my finger...and I just was like "I was changing a tire!" I didn't want to get into the whole I did it wrong and everything because people in my neighborhood are very much like women can't do anything themselves. Whatever! But hey I can do whatever I want!

Today I have to write a paper for my class tomorrow! I am really mad that Mason didn't cancel the classes for today. But everyone is give me shit about not telling my teacher about missing class next Thrusday for the Spice Girls Concert! It like doesn't really matter, right now! My dad keeps letting me that I need to do it in person, but I keep forgetting so I am just going to e-mail him! When class is over, I can't wait to leave, so I just do!

There I finally e-mailed him...because when I am at home I always remember that I am going to the Spice Girls because it is written everywhere...well better write my paper!

Test day/Primiaries day

So today should have been a good day, but actually its really stressful. So far I've had only one test, which was relatively easy and now I am waiting for another class to start. I am nervous about voting...not the actual picking the person, but the whole having to drive there after school and get in a fucking line with people that are bitchy. So how I always get behind the person who wants to complain about everything. Most of the time I just nod my head and are grateful I won't have to do this shit again for a year...but not this year!! But today would not be a good day to fuck with me...I am stressed.

My second test today is freaking me out and I really don't want to take it! I don't know difference between certain things and I really hope that I don't get shit wrong...I want to get a 100, just to piss him off! He said that no one would get a 100 on any of his test...so of course I want to prove him wrong! Even if I don't get a 100, I want like a 98 or something close...just as long as its an A! I really want to get straight A's this semester which is what I did last semester, but I so don't care about my classes. I really don't want to go to my class that starts in an hour! Fuck that English bullshit!!

The medical tape on my finger smells funny...I know random, but I been smelling it all day and I finally figured out what it was! I hate this whole finger thing...I can't even bend my finger very well...Like right now it is really hard to type and I have to type funny so that I can get all the keys. Fuck this bullshit!!

So today I brought an LSAT's book! I am thinking about taking it,but I don't really know yet. And the book is not helping me in that situation! It pretty much told me that this would be the hardest test I would ever have to take, and that it is really important that I do well...well fuck that! I am just reviewing because it is not a content based test it is more logical shit!

Morning Bitchiness

So I have decided that tires in general suck. I got up today very stressed out...but hey its Friday and I have nothing to do. I was checking my e-mail to see if people from my study group have e-mailed me...and they haven't. Then my sister called to tell me that she has to change a flat tire. I of course asked Which Fucking Tire Is It?? It turns out that it is the front drivers side tire...yeah the one I just changed. I told her that since we haven't gotten a new tire from Wednesday crap, that she would have to put the crap-no-tread-tire back on. Then there was compliation with getting the flat tire off, but I guess she figured it out. I couldn't help but over the phone because I don't have a car. I guess it is at the point that we need to pay two new tires. One as a spare and one to go on the car. But really you're not suppose to do that. You should put the two new tires on the car and make the front passagener side tire the spare...all I have to say is WHATEVER!!

Then with that situation kind of resolves (well as much as can be with her at school) I called my internship...or should I say the place I am trying to get an internship. I'm pretty sure that the woman I talked to was telling me that I wasn't going to get it. But she didn't actually come out and say it. Those of you that know me, know that this pisses me off. I need the straight, upfront new, not some "well I don't know...maybe...we'll see" shit that people do. This made me decided that I need to start looking for a job now...for the Summer of course. So I sent my resume to place that is looking for an HR assistant right now. They said they would keep my resume and if there is openings in May, they would let me know...great...so still nothing!

I have officially hate everything that is going on in my life...bottom line! I have two test on Tuesday, and a rought draft due. I also have to read like 40 some pages for another class. Then I have homework due on Thursday...fuck it all. I am like passed stress and going into an emotional and mental break down. I am beyond done with everything! So I don't have a job/internship, and I have an ass load of homework to do. It fucking sucks! I feel like I need a break, but I haven't really done anything today. I am so angry that I don't even know what to do. I really should find a way to de-stress/stop a mental break down. But I am so bored that I can't think of anything...this sucks.

On top of it all, finger really hurts! I really shouldn't be typing right now...I am sure my finger is bleeding or some shit. I feel like people don't believe me...but why would I lie about that??? Really I don't want sympathy I just want people to understand that I am so overwhelmed I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I need to make a plan for my homework. That way I will feel better about getting everything done. But right now I just want to sleep...

Midday Bitch

I am so bored at school right now! I know that I have to do homework with OMGMyBoyfriend this afternoon, but I am not really in the mood. Thrusday is my no homework day...but whatever.

I was in the bookstore today and was looking at the psychology books because I am doing a project on the Histroy of Hysteria and its Treatment. I just want to see if there was anything interesting, but there wasn't anything for my project. I did however see a book about cutting. I have always had a thing for cutting...not just doing it, but learning about it. But sadly I felt embarassed because someone might see me! I mean who really cares?? Its my interested and not there. Besides the fact that I can't afford it, I feel really stupid about not buying! I know that I am totally lame but I can't help it.

I am really stressed to say the least and my finger really fucking hurts!! I really hate this shit...I am so done!!

PS The picture is NOT what I want to do...it just is

PEOPLE SUCK

So my friend, who we'll call OMGMyBoyfriend, called yesterday, and surprisingly she want to NOT talk about her boyfriend. She called me to let me know that we should do homework when we meet up between classes. We only meet on Thrusdays because she has a late class. But why did she call me to say that we should do homework? I mean she could have told me today! So this is my theory...

She is in a fight with one of her good friend, CrackGirl, who is kind of cool...except for the Crack part. Anyways, OMGMyBoyfriend calls someone ever time she is going to gym. So she is wants to call me. Well, she doesn't really have anything to say, so she talks about something that doesn't matter.

I don't care that she called me before going to gym, or that we are doing homework today between classes. I am mad that she called me with nothing to say other than "we are doing homework." The big topic with my friends lately is the whole Senioritus (or how ever you spell it) thing, I wouldn't mind talking about that. School talking is not an issue either. But this like with RichmondGirl called me to bitch about my brother. I just don't care.

On another note, I saw an old "classmate" yesterday, and said likely I don't know his name. I really like him. I mean he's hot and everything, but he is just nice! I don't even really know why. He said I should call or something, which I might because I do have his number in my phone, but I just don't know his name.

I could totally date him, if he didn't have a girlfriend! I use to be a homewrecker, but now I am reformed. And actually it was only one relationship I wanted to wreck and it would have fucked up my life too. Anyways, this NoNameGuy has a girlfriend that he always talks about. I think its really nice and refreshing to hear positive things about your significant-other. OMGMyBoyfriend, always bitches about her's. I am to the point that I kind of don't care.

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The point is I guess, that I am sick of people who pretend to care. I know I should be grateful that I have friends at all, but I want friends with substance. Not some superficial bullshit that makes me mad.

This is so my Life!!

So today was interesting and its only the afternoon. This morning I woke up and did my usually routine. Then I decided that before I get dressed, I should change the tire on my car. It has been bad for awhile and I thought that there must be a whole in it. I have a full spare, so it would be all good.

As I had lifted my car up and was trying to get the bolts off the tire. Well when it was in the "air," I couldn't because I had to step on the lossening thing and in the "air" the tire would move from side to side and I didn't want to get hurt. So I brought the car back down and started to remove the bolts...it was fine until I took off the last bolt. The tire and the bolt only like snapped. Not off, just forward, where my finger was. I was bleeding so I went inside and overed it up. I had to finish the tire, so I did, with a bloody finger.

Once I had the spare on, I start to lower the car. I notice that as I did, the tire got flatter and flatter. I knew that I had nothing at home that would fill it up. So with my bloody finger and in my pj, I drove on a flat tire to the gas station to fill it up. Luckily I got there before on guy pulled in. It took forever, because the tire was so flat.

So I get back home, and I am like "Fuck it's 11 o'clock and I still have so much to do!" I decided that to wash my face I had to unwrap my finger. I looked at for real for the first time. I was like "Holy SHIT!!" I called my mom, who is a nurse and asked her if I need stitches. Well she made me call the doctors office. The nurse said that is doubted that I need stitches, but I needed a tetanus shot because I hadn't had one in like 7 or 8 year. So I told her that I needed to get dress before I came.

My appointment was a 12, but they didn't see me until 12:30. My mom works at the same doctors office so she came with me. Then they gave me the shot and bandaged it up. So now I am home and have done mostly what I need to do, but my finger fucking hurts like a bitch! I still have class tonight but with all this drama in the morning, I am worn out! Just thought I'd let people know!

Just need to Bitch

I'm of course so stressed out once again because today I realized how depressed my dad is. We have a gas card (well a card we always charge gas too) and we all fill up the cars on Sunday night. Well that didn't happen this week, because of course the SuperBowl. So my mom and I had to do my car today, which I expected and was not surprised. But my dad however, was suppose to fill up this car last night because I have to drive my mom to work on Tuesdays and Thrusday. This is of course due to the fact that my sister must drive a car to school everyday because it her senior year. Well it doesn't matter that is it my senior year...so whatever.

Anyways gas...okay so my dad was so depressed yesterday he didn't fill his car up. So my mom and I had to go from home to the gas station back home, so that my dad would have the card. Now this is not that stressful, but it makes me realize how sick my dad is. I of course I have known for awhile, being a psychology major and all. I realized that his anger was really depression. He would (and still does) get mad about the most stupid things. I mean if I take out the trash 5 minutes later than he said I should...ummm it doesn't really matter if the trash doesn't came for another ya know...24 hours.

Since I know its depression I should understand being all depressed and everything. But I don't! I know what its like to be in that state but I don't understand how you don't want to get out of it. When I was given help, I fucking took it! I had to for my life! But my dad thinks that since he's been depressed for so long it doesn't really matter if it takes a few more months. I don't think he realizes that he is getting more depressed as the days go on! But hey what do I know...I mean I am only a psychology major that has recovered from depression (well not that true...but you know what I mean).

My Monday

So far today has been rather boring. I've been reading everyone's blog and stuff and commenting. I feel sometimes like an idiot though. Like I ask question and people give the answers, but like I don't understand what they are saying. Plus I've been feeling done in the dumps lately. I've been trying to find a blog that is about ex-cutter and shit, but none are out there. All my friends that use to cut don't talk about it. And all the blogs online are about people still cutting. Frankly I don't need that shit...I'm not saying that I'm better than that but I don't want people to "help" me out. I mean everyone needs help sometimes but I don't need people telling how not to cut because I haven't in awhile.

But right now I just need to vent about all the shit thats been going on. I didn't hang out with that guy I talked about because I honestly wasn't feeling well because I was freaking out about having to go to school tomorrow. Now I have to go to school every fucking Tuesday at 9 am. I have to get up at fucking 5:30...but its like whatever...I have to do it. But today was freaking me out because I just don't want to go anymore. I feel like I should be done with school. I am so over school work...especially homework, that is more like busy work.

This one class is freaking me out. First off, the professor has never taught at Mason before, which is fine because that has happened to me twice. But like this dude is completely insane. He can't explain himself at all. Like last class he was telling us how to round and it was a joke. He kept changing his mind and finally after everyone had left he got it "right"! It was over complicated. Then there is a website for Mason that puts all the notes on line, Webct. He has been trying to set it up for three weeks now...its like "Oh my fucking God, its not that hard!!" Then we have a test next Tuesday, but he said we would have all the notes by last Thrusday, so none of us took really good notes. Now since Webct isn't up yet, we are all going to fail the test because our notes suck. I know mine do! Then also for the class, attendence is required...which by Mason policy you can't do that! But he does and fuck it if I am going to go to every single class. I know already one in which I will miss. For Christmas, my sister and I got Spice Girls ticket for a Thrusday night. I can't go to class and make it to the concert in time, so I am just going to miss it. And I know that one night I will be like "I just want to go home!" so I will. FUCK IT!!

As you can tell I am fucking stressed. I am usually like this but right now I am really feeling it. I know its because I feel all depressed about something. I'm not sure what it is, but its probably that I feel stupid about this one thing that I did! Like anyone will remember! But hey whatever! Really what I need is some support from someone who fucking cares

(okay this kind of a woh is me blog...but whatever! You're the one that read the whole thing. so ha!)

I can't believe the patriots lost!!!

I really can't believe the Patriots lost last night. But since the Gaints won it is okay I guess because they are the first wild card team in the east to win the super bowl. It was actually really boreding watch in the middle, but at the end it was great. I told my sister near the end of the game that there is not way the Gaints would win! How wrong I was!!!
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So I am having some issues...there is this guy. I've known him for seriously like 15 or 16 years. We were always kind of friend because we both did swim team, so I saw him a lot. Now he has come back to NOVA and like wants to chill. But he is such a loser!! I mean I've lived at home since...well since I was born...so my parent had to get over the whole smoking thing and they accept that I drink (and sometimes get really drunk). But he doesn't tell his family anything like that...at all. He didn't even tell his family that he is hanging out with me "because of what they might say." I was like What the fuck dude?? I just don't understand why he still pretends like he is in high school. I mean he is 22 and he lives at home, so his parents will just have to accept that he does shit. I just hate it when he lies when I hang out with him!! He is really that ashamed about being with me??? Whatever.
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I don't even think I am going to hang out with him today anyways. Right now I am not feel so great. I always wake up and feel kind of sick, but today its really bad. I have a sore throat and a headache. But I feel like I have to write this blog, to keep people updated on my life. Not that my life is too interesting. But hey its fun to hear about other people's drama.

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I was reading a post by someone on The-F-Word blog and they said something that I find everyday in my life. Some one said that the blog "In defense of the cupcake"that it had inspire her, and that someday she might change. That is the key someday I might change! That implies that she wants to but she can't or won't. I find this so often in my life. I see everything in black and white. Good or bad. There is no gray area anywhere. And I hate it, so someday I might change it! Why the fuck don't I just do it right now?? I know why...its because I am scared. I don't know how to see things in shades of gray. I don't really believe there is something.

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The worst about the whole good vs bad thing is people. They are either good people are bad people. That includes me too. So sometimes I am a good person and sometimes I am a bad person. But with other people they are usually good or bad all the time. I really hate it. It makes me so angry because I know people can be somewhere in the middle...

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Honestly though, I don't know how to change anything about myself. Especially this because I've had it my whole like...maybe because I have a disorder that makes me this way or because my parents made me things way (maybe not made but certainly helped).

Super Bowl Sunday

So I've decided that my family is not too much fun. Usually we have the family friend's over for the super bowl but since we were there last night...until 1 am...my parents decided that we just watch it ourselves. Thats not the "not too much fun" part though. Right this very second is not the fun part. My dad is sitting on this computer in my brother's (old) room, listen to the radio that the whole fucking house can here. My mom is sitting on her bed watching some TV show, that has to be louder than my dad's radio. Then my sister is in her room, she is either asleep or she is reading a book. This is not fun! And this is what we do every fucking Sunday, without fail.

My plan for today, was to do some homework so that I wouldn't have to do anything tomorrow. Monday is by day off from school (because I wanted to work) and I don't want to do anything. But instead, I didn't get up until 10 o'clock, which isn't that bad. Then I sat around for awhile thinking I was going to throw up due to the drinking last night. Then my head really started to hurt, so I went back to bed. I got up at 3 and took a shower and now I am sitting here writing another blog. This is not fun!

Well, writing a blog is better than writing a memo about an interview that I did, but still...I mean I am on the computer. I often wonder "What do normal people do??" This then implies that I don't think I am normal, which I know I am not. But who cares about what "normal people" do? It can't be that much fun, otherwise I would have already been invited, right??

Sunday has always been my homework day. When I worked and had an internship, Sunday was my day off, so that is all I would do...HOMEWORK!! Now that I have many days off, Sunday is just my sit-around-and-be-bored day. I wish something would happen on Sunday's! I know that the Super Bowl is today, but that means that my family will try and watch the game, but I want the Patriots and my sister and mom want the Gaints, so we will get in some kind of fight! Then I will get all pissed off because it's just a stupid game.

Okay, now you see what I do!! I start freaking out about something that hasn't even happened yet. The ball hasn't even gotten on to the field. The game doesn't start until like 6 EST and now it is only like 4...I hate this about myself. I also hate that I read this person's blog and now I have so many questions, but I don't want to act like a dump ass and ask them. It was The-f-word and I just have question about "good" and "bad" food...how do I change that?? Whatever! I sure that the person could say whatever they want I would still do my own shit. I hate this!

Okay so now I need to de-stress. I have to think of happy things. Like how soon it is the even light and dark!! I can't wait because I hate walking out of my class in the dark and its only like 6 o'clock. I also can't wait for it to be warm! It is kind of nice today, like I don't have to go outside with a coat or anything, but it's not nice enough that I can be warm without long-sleeves. I also am excited about Feb. 21st because I am going to the Spice Girls concert with my sister. I have never seen them because I wasn't "allowed" to go to concert when they were popular. My sister and I are going to have so much fun!! Well that's all I got for now!

Last Night

Last night was actually pretty good. I think mostly because I had way too much to drink! But it was also great talking with people that I haven't seen in awhile. Their family is like my family. I can them Uncle who-ever and stuff. I love one of their uncles because he is great! We talked a lot and had way too many smokes, but thats alright.

My mom was really drunk by the end of it and of course we were talking about politics! Now people in the room are not register to vote, so my opinion (very drunken opinion) was that they should not have the right to say anything about who should be president. This includes my mom, who is not an American citizen. I keep saying this so my mom covered up my mouth...to the point I could bearly breath, but my mom had to have her say. But it didn't just happen once or twice, it happen like 4 or 5 times. My sister got a video of it on her cell phone!! But she didn't even get the best one, she got one where my mom hadn't really covered my mouth. It was insane!

I also talked with the girl I talked about in the blog about friends. It was really good actually so now I feel guilty about what I said. I know that I was in a really pissed off mood, but I should be nice to people. I really don't have a lot of friends because I usually push them away because it is hard to be friends with people. But now (in hangover mode) I feel like I should have a lot of friends. That I shouldn't give up on friendships because one time they will be there for me. I know its all stupid and shit, but whatever.

On the other hand, I found out that I am a happy drunk! That's a good thing! I know most people in my family are mean drunks, but not really in my immediate family. But I do know that my immediate family is really upset when people get drunk! But I was not alone yesterday in my drunkenness. My mom was and my second mom (the women who the party was for) was, and since I was so drunk I don't really know if more people were drunk. Most people there are older than me and they can hold their drinks if you know what I mean. I talk a lot of medication that of course effects my liver, which is where alcohol goes as well. So what happens in my liver is working over time, but still the alcohol backs up in my system, so I not only get drunk faster than most people, but if I keep drinking (like I did last night) I stay drunk for longer. It actually really sucks because I feel sick. That is why I never get drunk really. The last time even drank (I think) was New Years. I did get drunk on New Years too. But I had never really had champaign, so I didn't know how drunk I could get!

I actually want to define what I consider "drinking" because it not like I have had no alcohol since New Year...I have, but usually just one drink! I think drinking is where you have more than one drink. I don't drink everyday, so I am not trying to rationalize something, but that's what I think. I sure if you ask a substance abuse therapist or something, they would disagree. I know that people in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) would disagree with me. I actually know a lot of people in AA, it's really funny. I use to go to meetings with them, so I know other people in AA. I do see some of them a lot, but I never know what to say...but this is so off topic for what I was talking about.

Okay, the party last night. Well my present to my second mom, was to get her cartilage pierced because I am love getting people pierced! For my sister's 18th birthday (last week) we got her noise pierced! I gave my second mom's daught, a friend of mine, a piercing for Christmas. So my second mom always told me that when she turned 50 that she would get her cartilage pierced! I am so happy that she might do it. My mom will never ever do it, but hey thats cool! So my second mom has to! Otherwise she has to get a tattoo, which is said she might! I honestly don't know what she will do, but I hope she gets something!

Gnarls Barkely Crazy

This video is the definition of me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w&feature=related

What is this 4 blogs in one day??

Well I am bored again. Just going to say whatever is on my mind. First off, I can't decide if I really like people not reading my blog or not. I mean really it doesn't matter. I'm sure that people could say whatever they want and I would still do my own thing. But it would be nice to know that somewhere in the cyber world I have a friend...

That brings me to my next topic...friends! I am not sure if I have any real friends. I have people that I talk to and people that I eat lunch with. But really they do most of the talking and I do most of the listening. I kind of hate it. I know that people are selfish, because I can be selfish too. But I think I know when to be self-less. I know that if someone just needs to bitch, they just need to bitch! They probably don't even care what I think or say. I know most of my "friends" consider me their bitch girl. I am! I've been through so much therapy that I know how to listen and when to talk. Most of my friends are female, so they usually complain about their boyfriend. They think I know a lot about boyfriend or just relationships in general because I've had a lot of them. But sadly I just know when it is over. I don't know how to predict when it will be over, but when it's done I know it.

Kind of keeping on the friends topic. A girl I went to high school with is getting married today...and no I am not invited. Actually only family is invited and I don't even think her brother or sister are going. But she wanted to hang out with all her friend from NOVA, before she moved down to North Carolina with her new military husband. I was actually really excited for that. I mean this girl and I hardly hang out anymore because she always is in a relationship. So I thought "Hey we can hang out just girls and drink until we pass out!" Well all her other friends from NOVA (that I don't know) wanted to go into DC clubbing. I hate clubbing! I am not so good with crowds (maybe thats why I blog), so I told her "Hey why don't you and me go out for some drinks!" She just didn't call me back...at all! I kind of still can't believe it. I know that she is getting married and all. Plus she has to move all her shit down to North Carolina, but a call back would have been nice. See but I know this girl, when she cames back to NOVA in the summer before her husband goes to Iraq, she will want to hang out. She will call me and want to talk about how her husband is going to die. She will want to be like everything is okay...but its not! I want to be like "What the fuck, bitch! You didn't call me before you left, to even say you can't make it for drinks! You just left! I know that we are the greatest friends anymore but still...we are friends...so fuck off!" But I won't I will be all happy that she is back. I will listen to everything she has to say. I won't even mention that we didn't get drinks, even though I will think about it.

Another thing I hate is when people pretend to be my friend. My family and this family that we are getting together with today, do everything together. Everything! I mean every fucking holiday, birthday, anything. Like Christmas, the Superbowl, the fucking kentucky derby....who the fuck "celebrates" that?!? They have a girl that is my age. I've known her since I was born - she is 9 months older than me! She lives in Richmond where my brother use to live, so she is more friends with him then she is with me. Now my brother lives in Ohio and can't really get down here for everything that our families do together. And frankly she doesn't came up from Richmond every time we do something together...but moving on...When my brother is not here, we are friends! She talks to me like nothing has changed! We are all still friends and stuff....she acts like she really cares whats going on with me...but I know she doesn't because of her body language! But if my brother is here...OMG, you better believe that she doesn't even know me! She like acts like I am someone she just meet. True story, on Tuesday she called me when I was in class. I was really surprised! I thought it might be like my mom or some shit, but no it was her. She wanted to talk about something my brother had said over winter break! That was like at least month ago. He told me that if my graduation and her graduation were on the same day, that he would only go to her's. I pretty much start...well I fucking don't care, do whatever you want! But of course, it got around to all the families, that my brother doesn't want to came to my graduation! So she called me to talk about how he was an ass-hole!! Whatever dude!! My brother has missed most of the important stuff in my life, so its not like it's anything new. And frankly I didn't believe him!! One reason is because I knew that my graduation and her's wouldn't be on the same day. Mine is during the week and VCUs is usually on the weekends...hey guess what?? I was right! But that is beside the point...I don't care if you think my brother is an ass-hole!! My brother will do whatever he want, whenever he want. Why don't you can't you call me when you want to talk to me!

My guilt

So I figured out my guilt. After writing the last blog, I made myself another cup of coffee and just laid in bed for a few minutes. This usually makes me more depressed, so I decided to make my bed and take a shower.

While shaving my legs (cuz I have to wear a skirt for the party tonight) I realize why I was feeling guilty. I wrote an e-mail to an ex-professor - actually a graduate student - for a class interview. She told me that she want fun questions. I told her not all of them could be fun, but I would think of a few. So I did. I asked her when she was getting married (she is engaged) and if we could have coffee sometime because I feel like she understands me.

Then I saw her last night at Vagina Monologues because she works for sexual assult services at Mason, who produces it. I asked her if she got my e-mail and she had, but she hadn't had time to rely. This was fine I told her because the paper wasn't due until Tuesday and it only had to be a page long. But then that is all she said.

I started to think that I had maybe crossed a line when I asked her for coffee. Maybe she didn't want to go because she thinks I am weird or something. In fact, she might hate me all together. But then my friend was with me last night so we talked about something else. So I kind of forgot!

Then this morning I must have checked my e-mail 4 or 5 times and it made me nervous that she hadn't e-mailed me. That when I must have started feeling guilty again. But of course I have no time to think at my own house because everyone is everywhere and in everyone's business. The shower was the only time I had to myself. That is why I figured it out.

I wish that I didn't have this innate feeling that everyone hates me. I mean people that are clearly my friends, I believe secretly hate me because I am weird. I know that I am weird so really it shouldn't be that bad but it is.

I feel like everyone is looking at me when I walk around campus, but surely this is not true. I mean the only reason I look at other people is for their shoes. I know kind of weird but I LOVE shoes! Whenever I'm feeling down I try on new shoes. I can't buy them of course because I am a college student who is broke. But still I feel like everyone is talking behind my back.

For example, on Thrusday, I was walking to my class and people that passed me said "That's the girl!" Now were they talking about me?? I have no idea. Should I care? No way, but I do. I mean what is so wrong with me?? I don't really think they could be talking about me because I was like right next to them when they said that. The only reason people do that is to let me know that they are talking about me. I didn't even know these girls. At least I don't think so. I am not mean to people on campus so there can be anything I did to them that I just don't remember! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?? I know no one reads this, but if someone ever does...are you the same way??

Stressing

Right now I am very stressed. I feel guilty about something. I know there are many things lately that have made me feel guilty or angry. Usually when I feel angry it's because I feel embarrassed or guilty about something. But right now it's really bad. I keep telling myself in my head that I miss my mom. Right now my mom is in the shower like two rooms done from me. Soon she will be out of the shower and still will be two rooms done from me.

Usually when I say that I miss my mommy, it's because there is something going on in my head that I can't get out. But right now I don't know what it is. I am insecure about something, but what? I mean I do have a lot of homework because I have redo something that my professors have changed but still that doesn't seem good enough to be freaking out as much as I am. I just have a few things to do today, nothing that bad. I know that I am nervous about going to a family friend's birthday party thing, but I know them so well that usually I don't freak out as much as this.

It might be that I have already had like two smokes and its only what like 11:30? But that usually doesn't make me feel guilty it just makes me feel gross that I have already had that many. I know that I am thirsty (see water water everywhere), but that doesn't make me feel guilty either. It does make me mad but only because I have to pee a lot afterwards. I wish I knew what was going on in my head.

Maybe it has something to do with something that happened on Wednesday. I was waking from my car to class, when someone that I had class with two summer ago, said hi. When I knew him, he was Kristen, but now he is Christian. I of course said "Hey Girl!" Not only did it make me feel stupid but I thought maybe he would be mad at me. But nothing really happened we just chattted about classes and how they sucked. But I don't know why I still feel guilty about that.

Then on Friday, I called the place where I am looking for a job. I asked if I had it or not. But they didn't know, but I felt guilty that I just said "Do I pretty much have or should I look for something else?" But once again, they probably don't remember that I said that. Only I would keep playing it over and over in my head.

I do feel kind of weird - maybe not guilty - that no one reads this blog. I don't really know what to do about that. I read other people's blogs and comment on their's but no one reads mine or comments on it. I don't really want people who I know really well to read it either because I am sure one day I will want to bitch about them and then they could read it. That would be really bad. How do people get other people to read their blogs?? But once again I don't really feel guilty about that. Just more disappointed it!

I fucking don't know what I am going to do! I have taken my meds and everything. If someone just reads this please give me some advise!!

Vagina Monologues

Last night I went to Vagina Monologues with my friend at Mason. We had seem it before for a class, but this time it was better. They had some of the same monologues that they did two years ago, but it was still awesome.

The whole point of Vagina Monolgues is to stop voilence against women. They tell story about women that have been raped and hurt by men. This then made them ashamed of their vaginas. It is really sad. Now there is even a day for this VDay, 2-14. It has been happening every year since 1998 and will continue until all women are safe from voilence. This makes me really happy because I want all women to be safe.

Being a victum myself, I feel like everyone should see vagina monologues to see what happens when women are disrepected and rape!

My BMI

So I talk a lot of shit about the BMI system. So today I decided what my BMI is/was (I haven't weighted myself in like 2 months). Well it turns out that I am "normal" and that it is 20.1. Which is fine and whatever...but I am so unhealthy.
My issues
- HPV
- Teeth and gum disease(s)
- Heart Burn
- Depression
- (Maybe) Boarderline Personality Disorder
- Anxiety Disorder(S)
- High cholesterol
- Some kind of body temperture issue

Now that doesn't seem that good but my weight is fine--even though high cholesterol is associated with being overweight...weird!

I do read blogs about fit at any size...because I am small size but NOT FIT AT ALL!! What should I do??
- Start exercising
- Eat right
- Take care of my "medical issues"

That seems all great as I am writing this on the computer, but how the hell am I going to do that?? Especially since I don't know HOW to take care of my medical issues (well someone of them)!! WHATEVER

Water Water everywhere!!??!!

I have found out today that a person needs to drink six to eight glass (8 fl oz) a day. That is anywhere from 48 to 56 fl oz a day. That is pretty good. It's actually more if you are more active than me. So I figured out that yesterday I drank almost 90 fl oz of water. Is this bad? I don't really enjoy water too much. I rather be drink something else like grape juice than water, but water really makes me not thristy anymore! However, I am doubting that as well. I drank so much water yesterday that I was peeing like 3 times an hour. Which would be fine if I was just at home, but I had four classes yesterday. By the end of my last class (which attentence is required) I had to pee for like five minutes. I am getting really concerned about the water drinking now.

This morning I had to get up at 6 am to use the bathroom, then I went back to bed. Then I wake up for real at 10 am and had to use the bathroom again. Then I had a cup of coffee (which usually makes me need to pee) and at 10:45 had to pee again. But I didn't just pee a little. I peed for what felt like 10 minutes. Then by 11:30 had to pee again.

My mom is nurse and told me that since I am quiting smoking that maybe this is just what my body needs. Others have told me that its because it's really dry out. Still others have told me that it may not have a reason because I am only drinking when my body is thirsty. My body wouldn't make me do something that its not suppose to do right? I mean we are not like horses that would eat themselves to death if they had the chance, right? But I also do know that if you drink too much water it will kill you. I seriously doubt that I am drink that much water, but 90 fl oz is a lot. I mean could my body want to kill me?

I really should go see a doctor because as you can tell this is really making me nervous. I hate doctors though. They always want to me to do test after test after test. I am sure that this drinking of water will pass. Well at least I hope!

On a different note: Today is Heart Disease in Women Awareness. Everyone who wants a cure for heart disease in women (the number one killer of women) should be wearing red today!!

Friday Morning

Friday mornings are the worst for me! I have no classes on Fridays and I still don't have a job, so mostly I sit around and wait for my mom to get home. It really sucks! Today is just as bad as the rest as well becasue once again my dad is home and he likes to talk talk talk to me right when I first get up. I sometimes do homework on Fridays but since it's the beginning of the semester I don't feel like I need to do homework today.

Also on Fridays, my sister usually goes out with her friends (she's 18) and I usually stay home and hang out with my parents. But today that's different. However, I am going out with a girl who doesn't understand that I am trying to quit smoking. It is really hard for me to watch people smoke right now. And when we sit in the smoking area of a resuant, I really want to smoke! It not that big of a deal really though because I am the one who decides if I smoke or not. But of course I feel like I should have a smoke when someone else is. WHATEVER!