Make a Command Decision

So I have decide that I need to love myself. I never have and I think it's about time. So this what I need to do.

1) Move out out of my house. Both my parents are depressed and have come very sick. They make me hate myself. They are very critical. This will have to be one of the last things I do. I am waiting for my friend A.C.E.S to get a full time job. She is a temp right now and they are going to offer her a job, but she is like me and thinks it might not be true. Then we will need to decide wehre we should live and how much it will cost

2) I need to stop talking about my weight as a horribel thing. Every blog I've read has given me ideas on how to do that. First, I joined a gym, so I would loss weight. Now I find out that I should go to the gym for other reason. The main other reason that I would go to the gym is stress relief. I makes me just less stressed. I also need to tell my mom to shut the fuck up when she gives me crap about how much I weigh. She tells me shit like, you don't look like you use to and we shoud go on a diet together. My response will be something to the effect "Thanks, but no thanks!" I have done the whole, "Mom shut up!" But that does not really work. I've said "Don't ever wonder why I got a eating disorder, if I get one."

3) STOP TELLING PEOPLE THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF. I feel like that reforces it in my mind. For a person who was once considered to have body dymorphic disorder, they are very few things I hate about myself. This is of course relative because maybe there are people out there that don't hate anything about themselves.

4) I need to leave my toxic friend. This is what I've been needing to do for a long time. OMGMyBoyfriend is the worst for me. But I don't really know how to finish it. I mean it is kind of done. She never calls anymore and always has to see her boyfriend. I do have a few other friends that are bad for me, like FridayFriend. But her's is more of a family thing. Her whole family is very critical of everyone. Including me because they consider me family as well. But I am kind of tired of it. Critize is not a good thing.

Okay so that's 4! Four is better than none, which is what I had before. I am trying here...

Whatever!!

So I am at work again! Which is not unusal for a Friday. But I feel like I live here. I never really felt that way when I was in college.

*

Today I am going to stay positive but it's becoming really hard. People are annoying me! And I am just plain tired. I awoke up this morning and my whole body was just tired. I went the computer to check my email and my hand could hardly hold the mouse. I thought I was going to fall asleep while I was driving. But I didn't and I made it here.

*

I am thankful that I don't have to go out with Friday'sFriend! I love going out with her but I am not really in the mood to deal with ShortGirl and her together for a few hours. I am looking forward to working out because finally my iPod is back in service. I have been reading while working out and that has been good. But I don't really focus on the work out when I am reading a really great part.

*

So my family wants to go to Richmond this weekend. And like said before I am not going to go. But it looks like they may not go because my sister is really sick. My mom feels like she should go done there to take care of her. But my sister is not a happy camper when she is sick. Like at all. She is winy and crappy. I do miss my sister but I want to see her when she is healthy and happy. But anyway, back to the original problem. They might not go down there and that means another day with ShortGirl. I do love her, don't get me wrong. But it is so stressful. I feel like I might hit her if she complains one more time. Woh is her right now. But I don't think she sould milk it for all it's worth. I feel angery that she's not grateful for what we have done with her. I mean she was suppose to go back to England, not come stay with us. She is ungrateful when we give her stuff. And it's like OH MY GOD, REALLY.

*

Enough about her. I offically hate Valentine's Day! It is a horrible holiday. I mean people get you chocolate that you don't like and if one gets you anything you feel lonely and upset. I do realize that today is Friday the 13th and V-Day is tomorrow, but of course I got stuff for people at work. Like my boss and some of my friends and I feel sad that no one remembered me. I have been telling FridaysFriend that I got her something, but now she feels like she has to get me something. And I know it's the thougth that counts and everything, but it does make me feel lonely. I am sure that my mom and dad will at least get me a card. They always do. And this year for once I did get my mom and dad a card. I never really thought about giving them stuff before. But I guess I am growing up and want them both to have something.

*

I can't believe about the plane crash in Buffalo. It makes me sad, but at least that is what taking up the news day instead of some bullshit that I couldn't care less about. But still it's really sad.

*

I want to thank everyone for their kind words on the whole weight thing.

Midday Bitch

I am so bored at school right now! I know that I have to do homework with OMGMyBoyfriend this afternoon, but I am not really in the mood. Thrusday is my no homework day...but whatever.

I was in the bookstore today and was looking at the psychology books because I am doing a project on the Histroy of Hysteria and its Treatment. I just want to see if there was anything interesting, but there wasn't anything for my project. I did however see a book about cutting. I have always had a thing for cutting...not just doing it, but learning about it. But sadly I felt embarassed because someone might see me! I mean who really cares?? Its my interested and not there. Besides the fact that I can't afford it, I feel really stupid about not buying! I know that I am totally lame but I can't help it.

I am really stressed to say the least and my finger really fucking hurts!! I really hate this shit...I am so done!!

PS The picture is NOT what I want to do...it just is

PEOPLE SUCK

So my friend, who we'll call OMGMyBoyfriend, called yesterday, and surprisingly she want to NOT talk about her boyfriend. She called me to let me know that we should do homework when we meet up between classes. We only meet on Thrusdays because she has a late class. But why did she call me to say that we should do homework? I mean she could have told me today! So this is my theory...

She is in a fight with one of her good friend, CrackGirl, who is kind of cool...except for the Crack part. Anyways, OMGMyBoyfriend calls someone ever time she is going to gym. So she is wants to call me. Well, she doesn't really have anything to say, so she talks about something that doesn't matter.

I don't care that she called me before going to gym, or that we are doing homework today between classes. I am mad that she called me with nothing to say other than "we are doing homework." The big topic with my friends lately is the whole Senioritus (or how ever you spell it) thing, I wouldn't mind talking about that. School talking is not an issue either. But this like with RichmondGirl called me to bitch about my brother. I just don't care.

On another note, I saw an old "classmate" yesterday, and said likely I don't know his name. I really like him. I mean he's hot and everything, but he is just nice! I don't even really know why. He said I should call or something, which I might because I do have his number in my phone, but I just don't know his name.

I could totally date him, if he didn't have a girlfriend! I use to be a homewrecker, but now I am reformed. And actually it was only one relationship I wanted to wreck and it would have fucked up my life too. Anyways, this NoNameGuy has a girlfriend that he always talks about. I think its really nice and refreshing to hear positive things about your significant-other. OMGMyBoyfriend, always bitches about her's. I am to the point that I kind of don't care.

*

The point is I guess, that I am sick of people who pretend to care. I know I should be grateful that I have friends at all, but I want friends with substance. Not some superficial bullshit that makes me mad.