Saturday, February 2, 2008


Right now I am very stressed. I feel guilty about something. I know there are many things lately that have made me feel guilty or angry. Usually when I feel angry it's because I feel embarrassed or guilty about something. But right now it's really bad. I keep telling myself in my head that I miss my mom. Right now my mom is in the shower like two rooms done from me. Soon she will be out of the shower and still will be two rooms done from me.

Usually when I say that I miss my mommy, it's because there is something going on in my head that I can't get out. But right now I don't know what it is. I am insecure about something, but what? I mean I do have a lot of homework because I have redo something that my professors have changed but still that doesn't seem good enough to be freaking out as much as I am. I just have a few things to do today, nothing that bad. I know that I am nervous about going to a family friend's birthday party thing, but I know them so well that usually I don't freak out as much as this.

It might be that I have already had like two smokes and its only what like 11:30? But that usually doesn't make me feel guilty it just makes me feel gross that I have already had that many. I know that I am thirsty (see water water everywhere), but that doesn't make me feel guilty either. It does make me mad but only because I have to pee a lot afterwards. I wish I knew what was going on in my head.

Maybe it has something to do with something that happened on Wednesday. I was waking from my car to class, when someone that I had class with two summer ago, said hi. When I knew him, he was Kristen, but now he is Christian. I of course said "Hey Girl!" Not only did it make me feel stupid but I thought maybe he would be mad at me. But nothing really happened we just chattted about classes and how they sucked. But I don't know why I still feel guilty about that.
Then on Friday, I called the place where I am looking for a job. I asked if I had it or not. But they didn't know, but I felt guilty that I just said "Do I pretty much have or should I look for something else?" But once again, they probably don't remember that I said that. Only I would keep playing it over and over in my head.

I do feel kind of weird - maybe not guilty - that no one reads this blog. I don't really know what to do about that. I read other people's blogs and comment on their's but no one reads mine or comments on it. I don't really want people who I know really well to read it either because I am sure one day I will want to bitch about them and then they could read it. That would be really bad. How do people get other people to read their blogs?? But once again I don't really feel guilty about that. Just more disappointed it!

I fucking don't know what I am going to do! I have taken my meds and everything. If someone just reads this please give me some advise!!

No comments: