Saturday, February 2, 2008

My guilt

So I figured out my guilt. After writing the last blog, I made myself another cup of coffee and just laid in bed for a few minutes. This usually makes me more depressed, so I decided to make my bed and take a shower.

While shaving my legs (cuz I have to wear a skirt for the party tonight) I realize why I was feeling guilty. I wrote an e-mail to an ex-professor - actually a graduate student - for a class interview. She told me that she want fun questions. I told her not all of them could be fun, but I would think of a few. So I did. I asked her when she was getting married (she is engaged) and if we could have coffee sometime because I feel like she understands me.

Then I saw her last night at Vagina Monologues because she works for sexual assult services at Mason, who produces it. I asked her if she got my e-mail and she had, but she hadn't had time to rely. This was fine I told her because the paper wasn't due until Tuesday and it only had to be a page long. But then that is all she said.

I started to think that I had maybe crossed a line when I asked her for coffee. Maybe she didn't want to go because she thinks I am weird or something. In fact, she might hate me all together. But then my friend was with me last night so we talked about something else. So I kind of forgot!

Then this morning I must have checked my e-mail 4 or 5 times and it made me nervous that she hadn't e-mailed me. That when I must have started feeling guilty again. But of course I have no time to think at my own house because everyone is everywhere and in everyone's business. The shower was the only time I had to myself. That is why I figured it out.

I wish that I didn't have this innate feeling that everyone hates me. I mean people that are clearly my friends, I believe secretly hate me because I am weird. I know that I am weird so really it shouldn't be that bad but it is.

I feel like everyone is looking at me when I walk around campus, but surely this is not true. I mean the only reason I look at other people is for their shoes. I know kind of weird but I LOVE shoes! Whenever I'm feeling down I try on new shoes. I can't buy them of course because I am a college student who is broke. But still I feel like everyone is talking behind my back.

For example, on Thrusday, I was walking to my class and people that passed me said "That's the girl!" Now were they talking about me?? I have no idea. Should I care? No way, but I do. I mean what is so wrong with me?? I don't really think they could be talking about me because I was like right next to them when they said that. The only reason people do that is to let me know that they are talking about me. I didn't even know these girls. At least I don't think so. I am not mean to people on campus so there can be anything I did to them that I just don't remember! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?? I know no one reads this, but if someone ever does...are you the same way??

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