Friday, February 27, 2009
I am almost obsessing about moving out. I can't really think of anything else. I have to go somewhere else now. Talk to you later.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Now all I need is a bed. I will helpfully get the master bedroom at the house I am moving into. That way I can have my own bathroom. I will hopefully moving in the beginning of April. I realize that April 1st is a Wednesday and I doubt that I can move in then, especailly with class. But I could move in the weekend before or the weekend after.
It's kind of rough moving into a house, because I have no furniture. I really want a new bed but mattresses are so expensive. The cheaper ones look so uncomforable. But the ones I want are like $200-$300. That is really expensive to a poor lowly admin!
Monday, February 23, 2009
My mom got back from London yesterday. It was nice to see her. I know that I am 22, but I really do miss the little things that she does for me. Like putting out my coffee cup in the morning. Not that is a hard thing for me to do in the morning, but it's nice.
So ShortGirl is not back with her husband. They are doing a trail separation. Its seems logical to me. But I guess not to him. He refused to take her back and then cried when she packed up her stuff. It just seems very weird to me. How can you be upset with someone who is just doing what is needed. I guess in the end he said he would try to stop drinking for her. He said he would try to do AA. I think this is a good positive step but maybe he won't go. And it will be hard to know from NYC.
Nothing more interesting to say.
Friday, February 20, 2009
I had a novel idea today. Instead of leaving early on Fridays I could come in late. By late I would probably mean like 9:30 or 10. That way I could work out in the morning. I have a long standing every Friday night plan with FridayFriend. We go to Fridays! Then we go shopping. We call it Fridays on Friday or Friday at Fridays. It just depends. And really we have only missed a few over the year that we have done it. Sometimes we have other plan or we get sick. But then we usually make it up later on in the weekend.
I am kind of excited about tonight. I feel good (well at least right now). I feel like I should go to the gym, but that would mean that I went Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thrusday and Friday. Which is crazy! I always said that I would take Wednesday and Fridays off. And if I had a late night on either Friday or Saturday that I wouldn't go the next day. I usually don't have late night though. I do when I am reading.
Speaking of reading I read Dead Until Dark. I loved it! I was kind of not that interested in reading at first. Then after the first few chapters, I couldn't put it down. It had a little bit of everything: sex, mystery, murder, romance, love, hate, supernatural etc etc. I can't wait to read the rest of the series. But right now I am reading Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which is also a series. I heard that the movie is not that great. But I love the book! It's like I feel her pain. Then I am going to read He's Just Not That into You. Which also happens to be a movie. I loved the movie but everyone says the book is better. So I am excited for that. Then I am going to on a shopping spree and get all the other books in the Dead Until Dark series. Then I will get the rest of the Confession of a Shopaholic series. I can't wait. I actually should buy them one at a time (which is what I am sure I will end up doing).
Other than that stuff and work, there's not much going on. I have a hysterical story about work. Email me and I will tell you!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I am here at work and I decided that I will leave a 4:30 since I got here at 7:45. Then I am going to go home and do my hair. I will get ready for tomorrow (lunch, clothes, etc). Then I am going to head to the gym. I feel like I really need to go because I talked to my mom this morning.
My aunt, cousin and mom got to London at 2 am EST, which was 7 am GMT. They can not check into their hotel until 3 pm GMT. So when I talked to my mom they were at my cousin's flat. Her husband did some really nice things for her. Like he left out her engagement ring (which they had been fighting over), he cleaned the flat, and laid out her mail. This made my cousin think that he was a really great guy that she didn't want to let go of if there was something to save. I can't believe it! I told her that her marriage was over even if she went back to him. I also told her that he would be nice to her in front of my mom and aunt. And in the end she would feel that it was easier just to stay with him. But did she listen to me? No!
My mom keeps telling me that it's not my place to decide about their marriage. I of course know that. But at the same time I know my cousin...and whatever easiest is what she is going to do. It's ridicuous. He may have done a few nice things for her, but in the end he said some really mean stuff to her as well. I feel that the bad words out weigh the good actions. And God only know what will happen when they see each other in a few days (I think they are meeting on Friday).
If I could say anything to my cousin right now it would be:
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I realize I do that a lot. I think about what I wish I could be doing right now instead of being at work doing nothing. I came up with all sorts of things. Like getting my bills in order or looking for a place to live or looking for another job just in case I get laid off. But actually none of those are true. If I was not a work right now, I would probably be home watching crap TV.
I also was telling myself how much I am going to miss my mom. But chances are that if she was home, I wouldn't see her. Especially on Wednesdays when I have class until 10 pm. She would be in bed before I got home and she is out of the house by 5:15 am to go to work. Maybe I would see her tomorrow night. But even then I might be mad at her.
I also tell myself that I either really hate my job or I really love my job. But truthfully neither is true. My job is just something I do during the week. I don't really care about it. If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow. And even if it doesn't get done by me, it will get done by someone else.
I also realize how antisocial I am. I hate leaving work to go to lunch. I always tell myself it's because I am hourly and then when I get to be salary it will be different. But I know that's not true. I will still have to work 40 hours a week and do what I need to do. The only difference will be that I don't have a hard stop on Friday's. I will be able to stay until 5. Which will frankly blows. I love getting out of work early on Fridays. It makes me really happy.
I also think that I am not judgement at all. But that's not true either. I either love people or I hate them. When I hate them, I can be really mean about them. Like for a few days, I have been hating on one of my closest friend FridaysFriend. I been saying things that are true, but it's not like I don't have things about myself that people can be mean about. And last night I found out that FridayMom, is having heart surgery on Wednesday. I mean everyone knew this would happen eventually but not when she is 50!! But now I feel all guilt about everything that I have said about FridaysFriend. I really need to be there for her right now. And I will be. But I was very judgemental.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Identifying stress: What am I stressed about? I feel like saying everything under the sun, but I doubt that is really identifying the stress. I really think it has to be with a few things. First, is my family is still here, which I have bitched about a few times. But another is that my cousin keeps telling me to come home from work. Which really wouldn't be a big deal because obviously I am not doing much because I am blogging. But I don't really want to use my Paid Time Off. While it's boring it feels better to interact with people who are not my family.
Communiate Skills: Expressing your needs and saying "no." So far so good on that one. I am still at work. My need is to stay at work so that I can take time off in August to go to England for my cousin's wedding. I need to stay at work to feel somewhat sane. But it is getting harder and harder to say no. I mean why the hell can't I take off work. Does it really matter that much?
Organization Skills: Prioritizing. My number one priority is work. I can lose this job, especailly in this economy. And my cousin won't remember that I took off work to take care of her in a few weeks. She will be in NYC doing whatever she does. Maybe she will have a job or something and I will the furthest from her mind. But I know that my boss will remember that I took off and I certainly will.
Perception Skills: Letting go. I need to let go of the fact that my cousin just wants attention. Maybe that is accepting the fact...Anyway, I need to learn that she will do anything for attention especially right now. This is not a new behavior for her. So I need to let go of this anger that she is making me feel guilty. I mean this is how she is, right or wrong, it's how she is.
Enchancement Skills: Relaxation. I can't really do this at work. I usually would just read or blog. But I am at work. I could just go for a smoke. But I've already smoked like half my pack today. Anyone with suggestions?
I feel depressed and sick. Now am I feeling sick because I am depressed? Or am I feeling depressed because I am sick? I don't really know and it doesn't seem to really matter.
I am so done with my family being at my house. I love them but they are so messy and they mess up my schedule. Sometimes I just want to go home and read, but my cousin wants to talk about how horrible her life is. I feel obligated to listen. But she doesn't really want to hear how I feel about things. It's totally lame. My aunt is being helpful with dinner and stuff, but when she gets upset at my cousin, the whole house is in an uproar. It's frankly horrible.
My dad and I were talking this morning about how we just want them to leave. I do love them, but I am sick of the fighting and manipulation. My cousin everyday tries to get into a fight with my aunt about anything and everything. Then when I try to tell her that her mom is doing the best that she can, my cousin flips out. She talks about that it's not good enough and that no one understands her. I point out that it's because she is being unrational. She doesn't want to listen to anyone else.
My emotions are all over the place. I just freaking tired. Like now I am at work, but I can't stop thinking about what's going on at home. I am very grateful I am at work because then I don't have to deal with it, but it consumps my every thought and every feeling. And everyone in my family is stressed. Since my mom is going to London with them, she is stressed about packing and money. FavoriteAuntie is stressed that ShortGirl is trying to get into a fight with her every single second. ShortGirl is just being irrational about everything and anything that comes to mind. My dad just wants them to go and I just feel sick and depressed.
I know that the end is near. They are leaving tomorrow afternoon and I won't see them. I have work and then class. But I just want them to be gone tonight. My cousin really wants to go to the gym and my thing is that I'd rather go to the gym right after work. Instead we wait until much later to go to the gym. I know that it is less crowded but I'd rather wait for equipment then go late. I am an early to bed kind of person. I love sleeping so not sleeping is not an option. I might work longer today though so that I can leave early tomorrow and Thrusday. I am so sick of work right now.
I am so tired of people calling me too. I have no idea where things are at their desk or who to call to tell them they are going to be late. I don't really care. I just need some sleep.
Friday, February 13, 2009
1) Move out out of my house. Both my parents are depressed and have come very sick. They make me hate myself. They are very critical. This will have to be one of the last things I do. I am waiting for my friend A.C.E.S to get a full time job. She is a temp right now and they are going to offer her a job, but she is like me and thinks it might not be true. Then we will need to decide wehre we should live and how much it will cost
2) I need to stop talking about my weight as a horribel thing. Every blog I've read has given me ideas on how to do that. First, I joined a gym, so I would loss weight. Now I find out that I should go to the gym for other reason. The main other reason that I would go to the gym is stress relief. I makes me just less stressed. I also need to tell my mom to shut the fuck up when she gives me crap about how much I weigh. She tells me shit like, you don't look like you use to and we shoud go on a diet together. My response will be something to the effect "Thanks, but no thanks!" I have done the whole, "Mom shut up!" But that does not really work. I've said "Don't ever wonder why I got a eating disorder, if I get one."
3) STOP TELLING PEOPLE THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF. I feel like that reforces it in my mind. For a person who was once considered to have body dymorphic disorder, they are very few things I hate about myself. This is of course relative because maybe there are people out there that don't hate anything about themselves.
4) I need to leave my toxic friend. This is what I've been needing to do for a long time. OMGMyBoyfriend is the worst for me. But I don't really know how to finish it. I mean it is kind of done. She never calls anymore and always has to see her boyfriend. I do have a few other friends that are bad for me, like FridayFriend. But her's is more of a family thing. Her whole family is very critical of everyone. Including me because they consider me family as well. But I am kind of tired of it. Critize is not a good thing.
Okay so that's 4! Four is better than none, which is what I had before. I am trying here...
I am thankful that I don't have to go out with Friday'sFriend! I love going out with her but I am not really in the mood to deal with ShortGirl and her together for a few hours. I am looking forward to working out because finally my iPod is back in service. I have been reading while working out and that has been good. But I don't really focus on the work out when I am reading a really great part.
So my family wants to go to Richmond this weekend. And like said before I am not going to go. But it looks like they may not go because my sister is really sick. My mom feels like she should go done there to take care of her. But my sister is not a happy camper when she is sick. Like at all. She is winy and crappy. I do miss my sister but I want to see her when she is healthy and happy. But anyway, back to the original problem. They might not go down there and that means another day with ShortGirl. I do love her, don't get me wrong. But it is so stressful. I feel like I might hit her if she complains one more time. Woh is her right now. But I don't think she sould milk it for all it's worth. I feel angery that she's not grateful for what we have done with her. I mean she was suppose to go back to England, not come stay with us. She is ungrateful when we give her stuff. And it's like OH MY GOD, REALLY.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I feel worthless when she tells me things like that. I think its her way of telling me something that she hates about herself. But I hate it... I can't even think right now...I'll finish this later.
My cousin, Short Girl, is getting a divorce. Well not exactly. See she went to NYC for her birthday and then when it was time to go back to London, where her husband lives, she didn't get on the plane. She said "I just couldn't do it." So her mom, Favorite Auntie, told her to come down to us in VA. She fought about it when her mom, but eventually came.
At first, when it was just her and me. It was great. I would talk her through what she was feeling. She would just listen and do what I said because mostly she was so numb. But she would help me do things to. I join a gym so that we could get our nervous energy out. It was wonderful.
Then Favorite Auntie came on Monday. Which is fine...she is my favorite auntie after all. But then Short Girl got all needy. She didn't understand why her parents would only pay for half of her NYC apartment. She also didn't understand why they expected her to get a job as soon as possible.
I don't feel sorry for her in those areas. I mean if my parents paid for half of an apartment around her, I would be able to afford a great apartment. And of course she needs a job...SHE'S 25 YEARS OLD!! But I have learned that she is spoiled and that when she doesn't get what she wants she gets pissed.
Then on Tuesday, my mom, Short Girl, Favorite Auntie, and I went out to dinner. And for some freaking reason, my sexual abuse came up. I mean really?? What the hell?? And I started cry and then I was over it. I told them that I didn't want to talk about it and they didn't. GREAT!!!!!
Then as we were walking into the house. My cousin told me that I was allowed to be a slut because I was sexual abuse. And I started crying again. I mean What the hell?? I don't need someone to tell me what I can and cannot be. And why I am things. Then I was over that after a smoke.
But now she just "Me, me, me!" She feels the need to call me and just tell me how horrible her life is and that she doesn't know what she should do. I am like "Do what you can live with." But of course that's not the right answer. She wants me to help her decide. Which of course I won't do. Then this morning, while I am at work she calls to tell me she had a bad dream about the whole situation with her husband. So I listen and add "Oh" "Wow" etc. Then she asks me what it means. I tell her that she is stressing about the situation and fears the worst will happen. And that's what gave her a bad dream. Well that answer isn't good enough for her. She wants me to tell her what every part of the dream means. What she should do about. I am like "Nothing! Just journal about it" But still thats not good enough. I lie and say I have a meeting and get off the phone.
I am so tired! I don't want to try to fix her. I am done!!!!!!!!!!