So I am completely bored again. Mostly because I am having issues with the fact that I am not in England yet. I am done to counting down the hours. Right now I am counting down the hours until I can go home and pack. Then when I can do the online check in. I am at work of course but it is almost painful to be here. I want to be home packing and getting all excited about how awesome my trip is going to be. I only work 4 hours tomorrow, but I know that that 4 hours is going to kill me because I will counting down the minutes until I leave America. I am so ready to be gone.

I have worked my ass off to be able to go on this trip and now I need a break. I am also making plans with everyone. My cousin and I are going out Friday, which happens to be the day I get there. It is definitetly going to be interesting. I of course have a plan on how to stay awake, but God only knows if it will turn out. Usually I am always excited about Fridays, but this week is especially true because it is one week from the wedding, the day I get to England, and I am actually going out! It's hard to sit still when I want to decide what I am going to wear.

Well I collected my suit case from my parent's house. I am really excited! And of course it is huge. I am hoping that there will be a lot of extra room in it so I can bring stuff back. I have more money than I expected. So that makes me happy. I can actually buy gifts. Of course I am buying gifts for my roommates, WBK, FridaysFriends and then a co-worker. I definitely believe that will be it. I don't have to buy for my family because they will be there. I'm sure that I will send a postcard to my brother and his girlfriend. That will have to do for him. And the next time I see him will be in October so I wouln't want to buy him something and then wait til October to give it to him.

I can't wait to start packing. I am getting a little ridicioulus on what I want to bring though. I have thinking about all the shoes I want to bring, but really I don't have room for them (going with my plan to have extra room). And the amount of clothes I have bring is insane as well. With my mum's family I will go through at least two outfits a day. Now my Auntie Sa does laundry every day so I could really just let her do my laundry, but I don't really want her to. I can certainly do my own. I know that it would make her happy if I gave her laundry to do, but nonetheless I feel like I shouldn't make her. Especially since her son is getting married in a week! I have to bring dresses to go out in, jeans to go sight seeing in, and all sorts of sweaters. It will only be in the 60's when I am there. Today it hit a high of 70 though. But since I will be leaving my favorite 80+ degree weather, 70 is going to feel freezing. My mum wants me to bring my swim suit. I honestly thought she was joking but of course she wasn't. I doubt that I will wear it.

I am also stressing about picking up some meds from the doctors. They gave me two weeks worth when I was down to zero. So I have to go back and yell at them! Well not yell, they said it would be ready this afternoon, so I can go after work. But I really want to pack.

I am seriously insanely insane today. I can't think about anything else but England. I have an awesome meeting at 3 but I can't think about it! I just want to be in England. Is it time to go yet?

The boredum is overwhelming

I'm at work and all I can think about is England. I wish I was there right now. Or at least at home getting stuff done for England. I feel like I have so much to do, but truly it's not that much. I have to pack and paint my toe nails. That's about it. But I guess to pack I have to have a suit case and decide what I am going to bring. Everytime I look at a dress in my closet, I throw it on the pile of stuff I am going to pack. It's kind of amazing the amount of clothes that I think I will need. I mean I am only going for 13 days. And two of those days I can where the same thing.

Work is super slow because of the move. I thought that I would be unpacking for days and today is really my last day. But I did everything I needed to do so that I could leave on Thursday. I am leaving work at noon. And then probably doing a few things before going to the airport. I can't stand it anymore. It almost seems like a waste for me to be at work. I am not getting anything done. If I had a lot of time to take off, I would. But unfortunately after England, I won't be able to take another day off the entire year. Oh well! England is worth it! Well at least it seems that way.

I am also very tired. I wish I could take a nap. I don't know if because I am physically doing stuff at work or if I am not sleeping well. Or it just could be boredum. If I am not doing anything then I feel tired. I'm extremely hungry. I def believe that is from the physical labor I am experiencing at work. I am also mental far off...I believe that my body believes I am already in England!

I feel like time is passing so slowly. And I know this is due to the fact that I am doing nothing. When I write blogs or chat online, time goes by so quickly, but if I am sitting around waiting for something to happen, I am looking at the clock every two seconds. It's actually become every 30 minutes. I am sure then next time I look at the clock it will be 1:29! It is so obnoxious. I hate it more than I hate being at work. I feel like I have nothing to do. I know that I have a few things that I could be doing, but I just don't care. I should be doing "How to" stuff for the temps that are coming in while I am away. But I feel like nothing will help them. They kind of need to be thrown into the situation. I could make a birthday list...maybe I should do that....we'll see...

I haven't smoked since the 5th. I haven't had time at work to even step outside and smoke. And at home I am happy to just chill. I sometimes feel like I could have a cig (like right now), but that is usually due to boredum or just routine. My routine in the morning use to be to get up and smoke, but now I just get up and sit outside. I am sure that will end soon especially if it rains or it's cold. I know in England that I will just do whatever. In England, you have to smoke outside everywhere (Virginia doesn't have that law yet) and it will only be in the 60's (or the upper teens if you are in metric) the whole time I am there, so coldness doesn't make me want to go outside. I am staying with my Auntie Sas, and she doesn't smoke, my Uncle K might but I am not sure. I believe that LondonCuz doesn't smoke. So that will be good. I know my sister will be smoking but I always see her and I will want to be with my Cuzs. And there significant others! Okay...maybe birthday list time?

Nap, Smoke and Book...sounds good to me

Lately I've been thinking that my life is kind of boring right now. That all I have to say is really just complaints about my life sucking. But truly my life has become somewhat interesting.



So on last Monday morning. I got to work and was hoping that I didn't have to pack anything. See my office is moving (only upstairs). I have found that I hate packing more than anything else in my life. So anyway, I was reading some blogs that I follow when DramaQueenWannaB come over to bosses office, but she was busy so she talked to me for a bit. Then finally she said "Let go outside." My reaction was of course "I don't smoke anymore." She said "Oh well. Lets just talk then." At that time she told me she was quitting. Her last day is the 14th and I leave for England the afternoon of the 13th. This really sucks! . Then I realized that no one would be at the front desk from the 14th through the 27th. And I also realized that since her boss and my boss are so picky that they probably won't have the temp stay. In fact they haven't decided if they are hiring anyone.

Fortunately, this made me every excited. I finally get to do more with my job. Of couse now it is Tuesday the 11th and I still have time to blog...but nonetheless it is exciting. Fortunately I have unpacked mostly everything that needs unpacking. I think that I have a few boxes left to unpack, but other than that, I am done. I finally get to wear work clothes to work. I been wearing jeans for the past few weeks and it makes me so hot. I go into room that feel like there is no ac and I'm in there until all 15 boxes are unpacked. I just want to go to work and no sweat.

Back to DramaQueenWannaB, she has become a real bitch about everything. She is doesn't want to help with anything. She acts like she is already gone and then gets mad when she is treated like she is already gone. I am kind of sick of her.

On a side note, I really want chocolate!

On to happier things! ENGLAND IS ALMOST HERE! I work a full day today and tomorrow and then a half day on Thursday then I am out of here. I can't wait! But it feels like it is taking forever! I just want to go and be there. So the plan is...that WBK will drop me off at the airport so that I can really say goodbye to him. This should be around 3 even though my flight isn't until 7. My dad is a bit crazy about the whole international flighing situation. We always have to be there really early. Then on the plane I will have some alcoholic drinks so that I pass out. Then once I get to London, I will drink Red Bull (or some other energy drink). Fligh to Newcastle then drink like 10 Red Bulls so that I don't fall asleep. This when then be Friday and I am going out with my sister, cousin and his girlfriend. I am really excited! I can't stand it much longer.

I'm Ready For England

Is it the 13th yet?

I Hate Moving Funiture

My anxiety level is very high today. I would say I don't know the reason, but I semi-understand what is going on...

My mum called my work today and said we were moving funiture. And that WBK had to help! Then I went to the bathroom and while I was gone she left me a message changing the plan!! I am a planning! I plan every second of my life. I follow that plan to the end. I am a little OCD about it. I had a plan for this afternoon. I was going to go home and then go the bank. Then I would continue to read New Moon. Then probably nap before FridaysFriend came over. BUT NO!! My sister is moving tomorrow and my mum wants to get everything done by the time my dad get off of work. I guess he's stressed out or something. Maybe as stressed out as I am that my mum changed my plans.

But this situation doesn't for all the anxiety I am feeling. WBK and I got into a fight last night. I want to say it was a stupid fight, but it wasn't. I really wanted him to understand the way I feel about something. I mean I shouldn't have said it how I did, but nonetheless I meant what I said. By the time I was going to sleep we were fine. So how does that stress me out? Maybe it's guilt! It certainly wouldn't be the first time that I had some much guilt that I felt anxious.

Another possibility is that time is going by so slow. I feel like I have been here for hours, but I've only been here for 2! I really hate when that happens! But the problem with this being the reason I am so anxious, can't quit be true. Because when I am extremely anxious, time goes by so slow. I mean 15 minutes can feel like 3 hours. It is especially true when I have somewhere to be. And I kind of have somewhere to be. I really want to get this moving funiture thing over with, so I have to be at my mum's house. I wish I could just say no! But I can't

I am feeling really dizzy right now...talk to you later

What the hell happened?

This morning I wrote a post about how pissed off I was and how much I hated myself. But it is gone! What the hell did I do? And can I do it every time I feel that way....so lets follow my day.

Well I finished the blogging. I talked to MasterBedroom and she was just being cool about the whole thing with WBK. She said that she understood. Then I eat lunch at my desk. Then instead of smoking I read New Moon for ten minutes outside. Then WBK called and that certainly made me happy. He said that he was sleeping and that he was sorry. He asked if we could do it tomorrow and I said no because I get off so early. Then I said that we could definitately do it next week. Especailly since I am going to England soon. Then I worked a bit. Then I sat around for like 45 minutes. Then I packed up the office supplies. Then I got back on the computer.

I could just say that it was WBK, but I doubt that he really has that much influence on how I feel at work. I hate this job sometimes. The people can be awesome. But they can also suck. So he could tell me he loved me a thousand times I would still be pissed at someone in my office. So maybe it was the fact that physically did something. Rather than typing on this stupid blog that no one reads, I got up out of my chair and moved the office supplies. I mean it wasn't hard or anything. But I feel happy! At least for now :)

Drinking Bad Coffee and Craving a Smoke

Yeah, its that time again! I need to bitch! I am quitting smoking so my emotions are more extreme then usual. So I might need to scream in a minutes...

So first, I finished Twilight the other night! I went out yesterday and got New Moon (which I always think of as Blue Moon, which is a beer). And I am not even half way through and I have cried. For those of you who haven't read it, Edward leaves...and I have an irrational fear of adondoment. I've had this my whole life, so by now you would think I was use to it, but of course not. So anyways, this book is certainly playing with my fears . Then WBK left last night because he couldn't sleep and kept waking me up. I mean I was grateful that I could finally sleep, but at the same time I woke up to no one. I don't want to say I am mad, I am sad that this is the 4th time this has happened. I don't really understand what I can do. I know that he couldn't sleep, but it's his own fault. He has a totally fucked up sleep schedule since he quit this job. I mean some days he sleeps til 1 pm and other times he gets up at 6 am. I really don't know how to help him. Mostly because I really wish that I could go home right now and sleep. Or reading New Moon. But instead I am sitting being in self hatred mode.

This morning WBK called me at 6 am to see if I was up and of course I wasn't. Then he called me at about 7 to see if I was up and I actually answered this time. He then said that he wanted to take me to lunch! I said that I would love that (which I actually would). But then I told him that I would have to cover DramaQueenWannaB. And since she can be the most selfish person I've ever met, I would have to work around her schedule. So I told him I would call. So anyway, I sent an email to her and asked if that was okay. Her only response was why did I cc someone that wasn't here (her boss, my big boss). I said that I had forgot that he was gone, which I had, but mostly I was cc-ing him because I want him to see how uncooperative she is. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. Nonetheless, she hasn't answered me. Which now is fine since I can't get a hold of WBK. I have called and text him! It makes me mad because I am sure that he is asleep again. I totally hate how I can't depend on him sometimes. I am really stressed and I need just a mental health day where I sleep in and do nothing. But I can't have one of those for the rest of the year because of England. I almost don't care if I go into the negatives at this point. I am ready to go home.

And no one really seems to be helping me. I reach out for help and people just are like whatever. I know that's mostly because it seems like I am just complaining. But I do feel overwhelming tired, which gives me the feel that I am going to cry. And I do feel very very drugged. I know that is because my Chantix dosage just went up! I also know that I feel fine in a few days. I will get over the side effects. But I doubt I will get over the overwhelming fact that I just want to go to sleep right now...I don't care about a few days from now or anything...sleep is what I crave...

So today...it's only 10 o'clock and I am bored out of my mind. I wish someone would just tell me to go home. That is my dream right now...my bed!! I am on Chantix, which is a stop smoking pill. For the first week you smoke and then you try and stop. I am "trying" to stop tomorrow. But back to my point. It makes you tried all day and then doesn't let you sleep at night. It's horrible.

I feel really sicky today, but mostly because I am tired! I have an overwhelming sense of guilt, loneliness and self hatred. I am not quite sure why. I think it's mostly because I'm PMSing and on this Chantix stuff. My temper is really getting the better of me lately. I'm very intense and feel like my heart is going to explode sometime. I sometimes wish it would! Not to die, but to be on bed rest or something. I really just need a nothing day, but that doesn't seem likely anytime soon. I think WBK and I have plans all weekend. But I am not sure if they are finalized.

I am reading Twilight...which of course I said I would never do. But nonetheless it's not that bad. I am actually getting to the good parts and can't wait to read more. I fortunately have not seen the movie, so I really have no idea what is going to happen. That's the way I like it. I love being able to get excited about books. And if this has a wonderful ending I am going to read the next one as well. I am hoping to finish this one before England. And since I have like two weeks and less than half the book left. I am sure I will be fine. I kind of wish that was what I was doing right now. Just home in my room reading with my boy right next to me. It makes me happy to be around him...

That reminds me...sometimes I feel like I need him around, rather than wanting him around. I feel like I am becoming dependent on him. He sleeps over everynight and he is the one that wakes me up in the morning. I am nervous that I am becoming too much for him (do you see my self hatred coming out?). I am worried that one day soon he will realize that I am such a failure at life. Then he will find someone better than me (which wouldn't be hard). I tell him that I miss him and he says that he misses me...but I worry that he prefers time away from me. I know that sometimes I would just like time to myself. Away from my roommates and him, but that doesn't happen often. And to be truthful, we spend all the weekdays apart. I am at work and he is looking for jobs and running errands.

I'm also really worried because he didn't go to church last night and I feel like that all my fault. Although I haven't been to the gym in forever and I know that's not his fault, it's my own. But this is my self doubt coming up hard core. I just need to stop thinking about all the negatives things that could happen and focus on the positive things that are happening. I believe that he does truly like me. But I am nervous that I am going to smother him with my feelings. I feel like he is too good for me. He is always nice to me (even when he is moody). And honestly I don't know why...see this me thinking again. I really need to just calm down and be happy that right now he is with me. You always lose when you play the "what if" game.

Today is Friday July 24th

I am so happy it's Friday. I am doing Fridays on Fridays with FridaysFriend! I'm really happy, but since I am poor, I am nervous! I think it's her turn to pay, but I am not sure. Well I have a lot to talk about but unfortunately I have to work and have a meeting!! I really hate All Hands Meetings because they are way too long and people are very ungrateful for how much DramaQueenWannab do. People don't realize that I just send an hour setting up everything. Then I have to remind people that there is a meeting. Then they will get their slow asses upstairs to new place. And I have to clean up after them...f my life!

Just a bunch of Superficial Bullshit

I don't understand why people get so mad at me sometimes. I mean I get mad at people and they get mad at me in return. But what I don't understand is, how people can be mad when I have no sense of anger. I am emotionally and physically drained from what's been going on lately. I have been yelled, called a lyer and just been overwhelmed dealing with other people's superficial bullshit. And it's everywhere. I am not one to believe in conspiracies, but it's like all the people in my life and surroundings just decided to go crazy.

For the most part I am handling it well. I mean no extremes with me. I mean emotionally I am at extremes, but with my cutting I am good. I haven't tried to kill myself or anything. But I have been used "I wish I could just kill myself" line often. I don't mean it (at least I don't think I mean it). But it scares people and they get all nervous. And WBK yells at me...I mean not like mad yelling, but like the whole "Never ever EVER say that." What it really is old behavior. I want to go back to the past (which wasn't that good), to be away from all this new stress. I can handle the old stress because I have dealt with it my whole life. This new shit is just crazy.

The amount of times I have just deleted nasty voicemails has gone up 100%. Mostly because I never ever did that. I would listen to what they had to say. I would want to make sure I am being rational, but now I know that what I am doing is best for me. And I always so "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them!" What I really mean to say is "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!" I don't feel like deleting a viocemail is hurtful to anyone. I mean I would delete it after I listened to it right? So I just don't need to hear some bitch (and yes it's always females) going off about how much I suck. And God damn if I hear one more time "You make me...." I had a long conversation with WBK about I don't make you do shit. You do it yourself.

This is the point where I wish everyone had gone to therapy. You can't make people do anything. They will do themselves. Someone might feel mad, angry, pissed off because of something I did or said. But I didn't make them that feel or do anything. I wish I had that power. I would make people pay the fucking bills on time or just shut the fuck up sometimes. How awesome would that be? Being able to control people? Damn I would do it all the time. It's surprising that people don't realize this. I want to be like "Hell yeah, give me your will power! But if I had it you dumbass I wouldn't make you mad or whatever. I would make you clean the house or patch things up with so-and-so."

So yeah! I am trying to quit smoking again (for the 20th time). I am on Chantix or whatever its called. So I smoke for a week and then I stop (or as it goes try to smoke). I am happy yet nervous yet ready. I mean when I wake up in the morning, it hard core coughing. And I feel my lungs just totally sucking. I really need to start exercising again. I haven't gone in at least a month. I want WBK to join with me at the gym, but since un-employment doesn't pay well (but mummy and daddy do), he can't really afford it. Which sucks, but is a great reason not to go to the gym!

I'm so done!!

I am sure that I have said this often in my posts...that I am just done. But like before I really don't know what I am done with. I mean it would be nice to go to sleep without crying for 30 minutes. There are many reasons why I cry. I told WBK my deepest darkest secret which I have ony admitted out loud, twice before. He wasn't mad or shocked (or at least he didn't saw it). But he really wants me to work on it in therapy. But I haven't even told my therapist. I mean I have told psychological people. But not my thereapist, but I am sure she knows.



Then there is this whole shit with BasementRoommate. And with talking to my therapist and looking at it from a different presepective, I realize that she's not a bitch. Because a bitch would only do something once. But this chick is going overboard, therefore she might be sick. Like seriously ill. Normal people (who don't exist, but you know what I mean) don't keep doing this shit over and over. I mean she has turn almost every utility off and taken shit that isn't hers. Then calls and bitches (usually) me out about something that I can't control. I just done with her. But the surprising thing is, that we always counter act whatever she does. She or someone else she let into the house, took the kitchen table. And last night, we got a better one from my parents. It's a lot nicer and bigger...and it just looks better. Everything she had taken we have replaces within a week. She took her pots and pans (which were hers even though she never cooks). Before she could even take them out the kitchen we had new ones. She took all the glass and I replaced them by that weekend. And all of this has cost us nothing. I guess people are just giving away stuff.



Then there is work. I go to work get away from the drama of the house. I hate people being rude and ungrateful. So I go to work, where I am HR so they kind of can't be rude and the gratitude comes from the pay check. Well there is drama nonetheless. This girl who I am sure I have talked about but don't remember what I called her. So name now is DramaQueenWannab. She yelled at her boss today. And thinks its okay. I mean I can't believe she still works here. I just don't get it. She always refuses to do things for everyone and then acts surprised when no one gives her work. She gets very defensive when people tell her how to improve or just tell her how it is. I almost hope she gets fired. It would make my life a lot easier. Because then I would that I had to do something. Now she tells me like 5 minutes before something is going to happen that I need to do it. I fucking hate it.

BOTTOM LINE: the next person to bitch at me...well they will get a Liz Meader Beat Down and have no choice but to like it

Sometimes I just don't understand

Well the last few days have been interesting. I have gotten into at least two fights with WBK, which makes me up. Then the gas was turned off, so cold showers for last two day. And then my landlord told me that if BasementRoommate tried to sue us, he would love to defend us again her. (He's a lawyer)

WBK told me this morning that I was almost a perfect girlfriend (that makes me a bit nervous) and I would be ever more perfect if I wanted to learn about cars. I told him that I wanted him to teach me everything he knows. He seems very interested and loves it. I wish I was that way about something. I can be about books and series of books. But right now I have no book to read. I promised my cousin I would read Twilight. So I guess that's the next book on this list. But anyway, his face lights up when ever we talk about cars. And I wish I had that. I really only light up when I talk about him. He seriously makes me so happy. Sometimes he just looks at me and makes me feel beautiful.

Today my mum, WBK, and I are picking up a kitchen table, since BasementRoommate took the other one. I honestly don't want to, but I am sure I will be fine later. Really all I want to do is take a hot shower instead of a freezing cold one. And I really want to have sex. It's only been since Sunday, but he really wanted it last night and I would have given it if it wasn't so late.

That's enough for now...A bit bored

I think I might cry

Today, has been a rough day so far. This morning I wake up late but would have still been to work by 8:30. Until less than a mile away from work my car over heated. Now I would have probably driven all the way to work if this had been 2 weeks ago, but 2 weeks ago I drive like 15 miles while my car was overheating and I broke the radiator. That is now fixed. Back to this morning, I assumed that it must be out of fluid. I call my dad and he comes and puts the antifreeze in. We both look under the car at the same time and it was like a waterfall of anti-freeze. SWEET!! So we call AAA and get a tow and get it to the shop. I'm at work by 10:45. Maybe this seems all fine and shit, but this whole time I am calling people for a ride. WBK spend the night at my house last night and I assumed he would be up by 11, so I kept calling him to see if he could give me a ride home. So he didn't answer and his mailbox was full. So I of course texted him. Finally I gave up on that shit. And have a ride home from FridaysFriend. Then he finally called at like 2 o'clock. NICE

Alright once again if it was only that situation it might seem fine. But last night my BasementRoommate lets some people take stuff from our house. Now technically this stuff isn't mine or any of the other roommates, but technically it's not her's either. I of course was very angry. After a lot of thinking and getting upset, I realized that I had more of a problem with the fact that she didn't tell us. I can't believe how much I want her to move out. I mean I hate change, but it's like hurry up and get the fuck out.

Today, my MasterBedroomRoommate, called the LandLord to see if we could get satille TV, since Verizon only has FiOS in our neighborhood and we were paying almost $200. Maybe I should start from the beginning:
"At our house, each of the roommates has a bill in their name. Mine is power. BasementRoommate is cable. MasterBedroomRoommate is water. And gas is OtherRoommate (not a creative name...I will come up with a different one later). So before all the drama happened (which I still haven't told you about), it was all fine. We paid 1/4 of each bill to the person it was owed. Since the drama has happened, BasementRoommate has become a real bitch about it. If the bill is due on the 22nd, she wants the money on the 21st. Yet she doesn't say that, so we are suppose to read her mind and know. ANYWAY, last cable bill someone ordered "adult entertainment" and a few other movies off ON Demand. I (course of) opened the bill and through a series of phone calls and bitching, found out who got what. So we were clean. SoandSo had to pay the $15. Fine and fine. Since BasementRoommate is not talking to us, I decided not to tell her. Then she took the bill, called Verizon and the cable is being turned off as of the 15th ."
In the course of asking the LandLord about the satielle, MasterBedRoommate, asked about if he had approved the sublease for the BasementRoommate. The LandLord said that he doesn't care as long as we all approve of the replacement. Well that was certainly news to us. However, we had talked about how this should be the case. The LandLord also told MasterBedroomRoommate, that he had told BasementRoommate this. Oh really...interesting! So she has already found a person to replace her, and from what we hear, a few of us are a little nervous. And know we know for a fact, that we can say "Hell no!" But then the problem is that BasementRoommate has to keep living there until we agree on a person. And I have decided to take no responsibility in finding a new roommate! My name is on the lease and I am paying for my room! Maybe that's selfish...but that's life.

My life has been better, but it has certainly been worse!

"When you share a sorrow it is halfed. When you share a joy it is doubled"

So long time since I've written on here. I like to say it's because I am really busy. But I have time. So what's going on with me...

Well my awesome house that I moved into is not so awesome. I mean the house for the most part is fine. And two of the roommates are fine. But it has gotten messy. The house is just old and the landlord just doesn't seem to care. And the BasementRoommate being childish about something. I could tell you but it might be too much for my first blog back. Bottom Line: People are lot more crazy than I am! And I didn't know that.

Then there is FridaysFriend. She is suicidal. She has tried to kill herself 4 time in about 4 weeks. I am so angry, but sad. But then I want to kill her myself and then save her. I hate it!! I have cried so many time and it makes me so sad. I want to know why she thinks she can do this to me. And I know that it is not to me, but it feels that way sometimes. I talk to her a lot about it. And make sure the right people know what's going on with her. I'm angry at her parent too! They don't hospitalize her enough. She has only been hospitalized once and the last time she tried to kill herself, she took downers and should have gone to the hospital. I don't know what stupid therapist they talked to said not to take her, but they didn't. I then asked my therapist why they would say that and she said that she doesn't have a medical degree so she doesn't know. Her parents are in such denial and it makes me sad for her because she might die because of their denial. I gave her the link to this so I hope she read it.

Then there is a guy, who I would love to spend the rest of my life with. We will call him WBK. I love him so much! Right now he is sleeping on my bed. He said that he hates sleeping past 9:30 am and it is now. I kind of just want to wake him up. But at the same time he looks so cute sleeping. Sometimes he snores so loud that he wakes himself up. It makes me laugh. I don't mind it at all.

So he is looking for a job....and I know someone works at Verizon and was wondering if there are any job openings...He had a security clearence, so he could get one again. He's not an engineer or anything...but any job will do.

I love you all!

Everything is New!

So here I sit in my new room, in my new house, on my new computer. It is very exciting I can't believe it! YES!!!!!!

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.


I keep saying this over and over it my head. But its not exactly what I need right now. I really to need to "Accept the wisdom to know the difference." I know the difference but I just can't accept it. I have the courage to change the things I can, but the things that I can't is what worrying me more now! I don't know what to do!

Interesting Day

Today has certainly been an interesting day! And it's only 3 o'clock.

I got to work at my usual time (which is way earlier than it should be). And it my normal Monday morning routine. Then nothing....at all! I mean the rest of the people did their usual stuff...but I looked at my computer for about 4 hours doing nothing.

Then around 1:30 there was some drama with benefits. And it turns out that I've been right the whole time. What the hell? I know I was right and then my boss told I was only kind of right...but nonetheless...I was still right.

Tonight I am going to drop off April's rent! I am so excited! My first rent check!! SWEET!! I can't really believe it.

Now I am bored

I Just Don't Get It!

I feel like the theme of my life this week is: I just don't get it! At work, at home, with friends, everywhere...I just don't get it! But surprisingly have been okay with just don't getting it lately. I seem almost content with my life (almost being the key word).

So I am moving on the 4th to a Townhouse in Fairfax, which I am really excited about. My parents owe me close to $2,000 so they are paying for all the moving expenses. Which would be awesome if I didn't need all new funiture. Since have had the same funiture in my room since I was about 8, it can't be moved without following to pieces. Which makes part of me laugh because if I wasn't movie out I would never get new funiture. Anyways, my mom keeps telling me to look for sales and I've found many with the funiture I want...but then she tells me not to get it. I just don't get it! It's not like she doesn't have the money or anything, she just is waiting for something better. So I have taken the step to just buy stuff myself and pray that they just pay me back. But nonetheless I just don't get it!

Work has been really crazy because my boss has been in Mexico! She will be back tomorrow and I thank God because I can't do her job and I don't really want to anymore. But if she was here people would clear things with her before doing them, but not that surprisely they don't clear it with me. For example, I was suppose to interview someone at 12:20 and then they would be gone. But of course, someone decides (out of no where) that they are going to take him to lunch. Where did they go? I don't know! How long will they be gone? I don't know. Do they even know that I have a schedule to keep? I don't know. I find it interesting that if my boss was here, she would have beeen asked if that would be okay. But not to me! There would be no way for me to say no...but still it would have been nice to have been asked. I just don't get it!

So my roommates a few (2 to be exact) had a party and I was invited. I met most of their friends and had a great time. There was one guy that I thought was really hot, so I let my roommate know. She of course told him (hence why I told her). I got his number and we went out together. It was really great. And he seemed really interested. But then last night, he went out for St Patrick's Day and drunk texted me that he wished I was with him. I told him this morning that it just made me laugh because I figured he was drunk. We did a little text back and forth...and now he's not answering me. AT ALL!! We are suppose to go out tomorrow, but I don't think he wants to. I have done the whole "He must be asleep!" (because he has the day off) but he is still on Facebook....so maybe he just isn't by his phone. I just don't get it! It makes me nervous...I def thought that he liked me...but I guess not...WHATEVER!!

Freezing and Tired

Yesterday, while at the gym, I was thinking a lot. I mostly thought I was going to die if I stayed too long. But when I could actually think clearly, I thought how pointless working out is. I was on the eleptical and I wasn't going anywhere. I mean anywhere. I was running in place. And for that 40 minutes I didn't do anything but think and run. It was weird because I thought about all the other things that I could be doing with that 40 minutes. Like washing my hair (which I did this morning and still got to work before 8) or doing homework for my class. What makes it weird is when I am doing stuff like blogging for a half an hour, I think about the exercise I could be doing. I wish I could do both at the same time. I probably couldn't because I would be more focus on one than the other (it would probably depend on how I felt that day). But in the end all exercising does for me is work off calories and make me hot and sweaty.

I am freezing and tired today. But for the first time this week I have actually got up on time. Monday I didn't get up until 7:30 and then on Tuesday I didn't get up until 8:30. Both are very late, since I am suppose to get up at 6:00 or 6:15. Monday I didn't get into work until 8:50 then Tuesday I didn't get into work until almost 10. It was really bad. But today I got up at 6:00 and then got into work at 7:55. It somewhat amazes me how the in the same week I get here before 8 then other days I don't get here until after 9. This is what I was like in college. I would get there when I got there. When I am done getting ready in the morning I leave. No if, and, or but! I hate waiting around for a time to come. It makes me anxious. I get ready and go.

My co-worker is hopefully getting me some Starbucks because we are both tired and freezing. He slept way less than me last night (because I got the normal 8 hours). He was doing some kind of sleep study and he didn't sleep. That makes me laugh. I guess he thinks that he has some problem with sleeping. I don't really know! But if I had a problem with sleeping I would take like 3 sleeping pills and be done. I don't really understand people's problems with sleeping pills. I don't know a single person who sleeps through the whole night without waking up, unless they are sleeping pills. I do understand the whole "being dependent" on them. But if I have to take sleeping pills for the rest of my life just to sleep through the night, then that's fine with me. I love sleeping.

I am getting really excited about moving. I have picked out all the furiture that I want for my room. My mom says that she is going to buy it for me since she owes me so much money. And I am fine with it. I found a whole collection at Target that I loved. I really want black furiture this time. Maybe it will make my room darker, but I don't really care. I really want to have matching furiture this time. My room has just gotten stuff from all over the place. It's kind of crazy how much stuff I have. My room is smaller in my new place, but I don't really care because it's mine. I get really excited when I think about moving. I am trying to get my mom to order stuff soon. I am not a last minute person. Like I wanted to have my taxes already done by now. But my dad keeps telling me that "we will do next weekend." I am not that kind of person! I want to do it this weekend and get it over with. People are so annoying!

Work Is Crazy

Work for the past few days has been insane. I haven't work so hard at this job in the entire time I've been here. Right now of course I am doing nothing. I am just sitting waiting to do an interview with a potential (but unlikely) sales engineer.



There has been 4 candidates in today. 3 whom are sales engineer and 1 who is a test engineer. Most people in the company new 3 out the 4. It's been a bit crazy trying to have people's schedules work with the interviewees' schedule. Then tonight since 3 out the 4 are sales engineer, we are going to go over what each person thinks of that candidates. That is going to totally suck. One person, who would be the direct supervisor of the sales engineer, is a little crazy. He likes to micromanage. And you'd better bet that this potentailly 30 minute meeting will turn into an hour or so. After all the interviews I still have so much I will need to do. My boss is going out the country for the next week and I will be in charge of HR. Which means I will have to give feedback to all the candidates from today. It will suck!



I hopefully will find out my raise today. I am sure that is the last thing on my boss's mind, but of course that is the first thing on mine. Especially since I am signing my lease on Saturday. My rent isn't bad but still it would be more than half my paycheck as of now. Everyone says that I should be grateful that I have a job let alone getting a raise. But I feel like this raise will have something to do with how grateful they are to have me. But of course, it probably doesn't! For all I know they could be waiting to fire me. IDK!!

Signing My Lease

On Saturday at 11 am, I will be signing my lease. That means that this whole thing is becoming real. I am actually moving out of my parent's house. I honestly can't believe it.

Last Saturday I went to a party at my future house and had so much fun. I did drink a little too much and then the whole time change messed me up, but other than that I had a real good time. It was fun to be with my roommates. They will definitely bring out the fun side of me. Of course I will make sure that I won't have too much fun. But nonetheless, I won't be boring anymore.

Thank God It's Friday!

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I got a call back from a house that I was very interested in living in. I loved it! I already picked out my room and everything. The down side is that I have to share a bathroom. But thankful it's with another girl. There will be 4 girls (including me) in a TownHouse in a nice area of NOVA. I <3 it!

I met two of the roommates yesterday. They seemed great! And they smoke! While I don't care if I live with people that don't smoke. It's helpful that they do smoke so that I am not the weird one out. I am moving in April 4th. They want me to move in the 1st but I have class on Wednesdays.

What would top off the whole day is if I find out what my raise is. I started out hoping to be salary and make 35 a year. But then I thought that maybe that was reaching too high. So then I thought want to get $1,000 after taxes per paycheck. That would be about $5 per hour raise. Then I had my performance review and once again that seemed too high. So now I am settling for $1 raise. I hope I find out today!

I COPE

Finally I got an appointment with my therapist. It's only taken a few weeks! Well more like 2 months. I am so glad that that is going to happen.

But now I am having one of the worst anxiety attacked that I've had in a while. So once again I will do the I COPE things

I: Identify Stress: 1) moving 2) class and 3) sickness

C: Communication Skills: 1) should be to seek out friends for support 2) assertiveness and just look at how I am feeling when its time for class and 3) once again assertiveness and see how I feel and if I need to go home then I will

O: Organization Skills: 1) Planning: I am looking a house and apartments. I need to realize that I really couldn't move out until April 1st. That is how I need to present my side when I look for a place to live 2) Priotizing: if I am sick I just need to go home. Class will go on without me 3) Pacing: I need to do what I am able to do. If I am working to fast and hard, then I need to slow down because I really can't get sicker

P: Perceptive Skills: 1) Letting go: I can't help the fact that I don't have a place to live so I am taking positive steps to get out of the house. I can't find a place any fast then I am looking. 2) Re-labling: class isn't the be all and end all of my Wednesday. Frankly if I miss this class no one will care or even notice I am gone. 3) Umm...sick is sick and I just have to live with it. So I guess accepting things I can't change??

E: Enhancement Skills: 1) Gentleness: I have to tell myself that it's okay to not have a place to live right now. 2 and 3) Take care of my body through eating, sleeping and excerise. If I can't go to class tonight, then I can't go to class tonight.

I'm Going Crazy :(

I can't believe how sick a person can get in a few hours! I've been at work since about 8 am. I felt perfectly fine. I mean I was coughing and had a headache, but that was it. Now I feel my eyes closing when I am doing nothing and they are watering like no other. My head feels like it weights 20 pounds. My noise won't stop running. When I cough, it hurts my chest. WOH IS ME!

But then I think I only have a few hours left so I should just stay. Then I can go home and sleep. Then I realize I am suppose to be looking at an apartment today. I think I can cancel it because hell I'm sick. But what if it is the one! The one and only that I will want to live in. Truthfully I probably couldn't pull the money together to get it. But what if! Really? I mean I found a perfect I mean perfect place, but I turned it down because of a lot of things. And I know that I'm not going to be so in love with place like that. What if the place I am going to see today is better than the one I turned down. I mean I seriously doubt it is. The area in which it is in isn't a bad place, but it's not the place that people who have liked in NOVA there whole lives want to move.

I really don't know. So what am I doing about? I am being very grown up and calling my mom. Well actually I texted her to call me when she is out of work. I know I know! But I just need resurance! That doesn't seem that bad to me. She will probably tell me just to come home. I know she will. And really I have fallen in love with another place (which I haven't seen yet) and I am going there on Saturday.

Dude! If I could go back in time, I would say to my mom and dad that there is no rush for me to move out (which is completely true). I also wouldn't have told anyone that I am looking to move out. Well in fact I didn't, it was my mom. Now people ask me everyday if I have found somewhere. Or you need to look here or at this place or "You can have this." It's really stressful. So God only know why I am doing this to myself.

Snow Day

I hate hate hate snow. When I was in school I didn't mind it as long as we were off school. Now that I work and my company never closes, I hate it. Since I am admin there is always something for me to do and I can't work from home. So here I am at work with like the rest of my company at home.

I am really sick today. Well for the last few days. I thought that I just had a cold or something on Friday. So I just took it easy and didn't do Fridays on Friday. Then on Saturday my parents went out so I just stayed in my pjs all day. I watched crap TV and it felt GREAT!! On Sunday I met with people about moving out and that was very anxiety provoking. Then I had to see FridaysMom after her surgery. That was actually okay. Then about 2 o'clock. I thought that I was going to die just sitting there. So I went home and rested. That's kind of when I was thinking maybe this isn't a cold since my cough is so bad. But then I thought that it could be a chest cold.

Today I woke up at my regular time and did my routine. I went out for a smoke and realize how much snow there was. I knew that we were suppose to get 4-6 inches but those people are always wrong. So I was really surprised when it happened. Then I continued my routine. Then I heard my mom talking and usually she is at work by 6 am. So I thought something was wrong. Well it turns out that she is working 10 am - 6pm today. So once agian I was on my routine.

My blackberry gets my work emails. And the usually people were email in that they weren't able to make it. Some of them is because they are lazy and just want an excuse. Others I believe can't truly make it in because they live so far away. Then someone who always makes it said he was coming in late. That's when I started think that maybe I would go in late too. This guy lives like 3 miles from work and I live at least 5! Then I got an email from the CEO who said "use your best judgement." That was when I was thinking "My best judgement says that they don't pay me enough to risk my life to go into work."

Then unfortunately I talked with my dad, who grew up in the Mid-West where they never ever cancel schools etc. He said that if it takes "superhuman effort" to get into work then I shouldn't go. So of course I was like "It would take superhuman effort!" He then looked me straight in the eyes and said "I think you can make it in." I was like "FINE!!"

I called my mom right as I got to work to let her know I was okay. And to tell her that all the roads were crap. She then said to me "Well I wasn't going to go in but since my FairyBerry made it in I will go." Then I was like "What? Dad said I could make it in." She said "He just wanted to see some effort on your part. If you just cleaned off your car, it would have been enough." I couldn't believe it. My dad was playing mind games with me. I almost got into 2 crashes (with the same car :P) because my dad wanted me to make an effort! LAMENESS!!

I felt unsafe coming to work today, but I came. I feel like crap and have a horrible cough, but I am still here. I have nothing to do, but I still find busy work. All because my dad wanted me to make an effort. Like I am 12 years old! OMG my life is crap.

Anxiety CAN kill me

I am so excited about moving out! But I have a lot of questions and it makes me anxious that they are going to say no. I sent the question to my friend today so that she can talk about it with her husband before I get there. It's like I want to get the ball rolling. I would seriously consider giving them some money so they will hold a room for me.

I am almost obsessing about moving out. I can't really think of anything else. I have to go somewhere else now. Talk to you later.

Moving Out

I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!! Surprisingly my parents are being very helpful. My mom has asked some people at work if they have anything for me because all of their children are grown. I know that I have a TV and a sofa. Those are both important things for me to have.

Now all I need is a bed. I will helpfully get the master bedroom at the house I am moving into. That way I can have my own bathroom. I will hopefully moving in the beginning of April. I realize that April 1st is a Wednesday and I doubt that I can move in then, especailly with class. But I could move in the weekend before or the weekend after.

It's kind of rough moving into a house, because I have no furniture. I really want a new bed but mattresses are so expensive. The cheaper ones look so uncomforable. But the ones I want are like $200-$300. That is really expensive to a poor lowly admin!

February 22nd

I feel that this will be a very uneventual day. I am already bored and I've only been at work for a few hours.

My mom got back from London yesterday. It was nice to see her. I know that I am 22, but I really do miss the little things that she does for me. Like putting out my coffee cup in the morning. Not that is a hard thing for me to do in the morning, but it's nice.

So ShortGirl is not back with her husband. They are doing a trail separation. Its seems logical to me. But I guess not to him. He refused to take her back and then cried when she packed up her stuff. It just seems very weird to me. How can you be upset with someone who is just doing what is needed. I guess in the end he said he would try to stop drinking for her. He said he would try to do AA. I think this is a good positive step but maybe he won't go. And it will be hard to know from NYC.

Nothing more interesting to say.

My Life is Uneventful

I did go to the gym last night, but I really didn't want to. Then I got home and ate pizza. This morning for my snack I had two twinckies. So all the calories and fat I worked off (if any), I have now put back into my body.

I had a novel idea today. Instead of leaving early on Fridays I could come in late. By late I would probably mean like 9:30 or 10. That way I could work out in the morning. I have a long standing every Friday night plan with FridayFriend. We go to Fridays! Then we go shopping. We call it Fridays on Friday or Friday at Fridays. It just depends. And really we have only missed a few over the year that we have done it. Sometimes we have other plan or we get sick. But then we usually make it up later on in the weekend.

I am kind of excited about tonight. I feel good (well at least right now). I feel like I should go to the gym, but that would mean that I went Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thrusday and Friday. Which is crazy! I always said that I would take Wednesday and Fridays off. And if I had a late night on either Friday or Saturday that I wouldn't go the next day. I usually don't have late night though. I do when I am reading.

Speaking of reading I read Dead Until Dark. I loved it! I was kind of not that interested in reading at first. Then after the first few chapters, I couldn't put it down. It had a little bit of everything: sex, mystery, murder, romance, love, hate, supernatural etc etc. I can't wait to read the rest of the series. But right now I am reading Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which is also a series. I heard that the movie is not that great. But I love the book! It's like I feel her pain. Then I am going to read He's Just Not That into You. Which also happens to be a movie. I loved the movie but everyone says the book is better. So I am excited for that. Then I am going to on a shopping spree and get all the other books in the Dead Until Dark series. Then I will get the rest of the Confession of a Shopaholic series. I can't wait. I actually should buy them one at a time (which is what I am sure I will end up doing).

Other than that stuff and work, there's not much going on. I have a hysterical story about work. Email me and I will tell you!

My Schedule for Today

I have a plan for today...which may not happen but at least I have a plan.

I am here at work and I decided that I will leave a 4:30 since I got here at 7:45. Then I am going to go home and do my hair. I will get ready for tomorrow (lunch, clothes, etc). Then I am going to head to the gym. I feel like I really need to go because I talked to my mom this morning.

My aunt, cousin and mom got to London at 2 am EST, which was 7 am GMT. They can not check into their hotel until 3 pm GMT. So when I talked to my mom they were at my cousin's flat. Her husband did some really nice things for her. Like he left out her engagement ring (which they had been fighting over), he cleaned the flat, and laid out her mail. This made my cousin think that he was a really great guy that she didn't want to let go of if there was something to save. I can't believe it! I told her that her marriage was over even if she went back to him. I also told her that he would be nice to her in front of my mom and aunt. And in the end she would feel that it was easier just to stay with him. But did she listen to me? No!

My mom keeps telling me that it's not my place to decide about their marriage. I of course know that. But at the same time I know my cousin...and whatever easiest is what she is going to do. It's ridicuous. He may have done a few nice things for her, but in the end he said some really mean stuff to her as well. I feel that the bad words out weigh the good actions. And God only know what will happen when they see each other in a few days (I think they are meeting on Friday).

If I could say anything to my cousin right now it would be:

"Look, you are being a lustful wife! You told me that you wanted to leave him. You said you felt bad about doing it too. But in the end you said that he needs to stop drinking for you to go back to him. And has he? Has he said that he will stop drinking? I doubt it. ShortGirl, it's over! A few nice things that a husband should do for his wife anyways, does not out weigh the fact that he said that he would resent you for the rest of his life if he stopped drinking. Or the fact that he said that he was not sexually attracted to you anymore. Like I told you at the resturant, it may be easier to go back to him, but in the end we will end up right back here in maybe a few weeks, or maybe a few years. But in the end the marriage is over. He did not fight for you to come back. He never even said come back. All he said was 'I wish you would reconsider!' And you have considered everything. Weighed the pros and cons and in the end you found him coming up short. So go back to him if you really love him, but not because it's easier! It's not worth it."

*

"I remember what you were like in NYC. And I never want to see you back there again. You are better than that! Plus you are like 5 levels above him on the hottness scale. I love you and support whatever decision you make. But like I said when you were here, you have to call me and explain why you are staying yourself. And if it irrational, I will let you know. And if it a rational reason, then stay."

*

But of course she might flip out if I say this to her. But the more I think about it, the more I will want to say it. I am kind of at a lose of what to do. Hence why I will go to the gym and work my ass off to clear my head. And hopefully either give me the strength to not send it or give me the strength to send it. I just don't know what to do.

*

I realize that people have to make their own mistakes. But this is pretty big mistake to make to me. She hated London. She had no social life. She wasn't happy! And your husband didn't make it better. In fact, he made it worse. I just don't know what to do!

I Lie to Myself More Than Anyone Else

While I was smoking my after lunch cigarette, I thought "I really don't want to go to class tonight! I wish I could go to the gym instead!" Then I realize that's not true. I just want to go home and get in my pj's and watch American Idol.

I realize I do that a lot. I think about what I wish I could be doing right now instead of being at work doing nothing. I came up with all sorts of things. Like getting my bills in order or looking for a place to live or looking for another job just in case I get laid off. But actually none of those are true. If I was not a work right now, I would probably be home watching crap TV.

I also was telling myself how much I am going to miss my mom. But chances are that if she was home, I wouldn't see her. Especially on Wednesdays when I have class until 10 pm. She would be in bed before I got home and she is out of the house by 5:15 am to go to work. Maybe I would see her tomorrow night. But even then I might be mad at her.

I also tell myself that I either really hate my job or I really love my job. But truthfully neither is true. My job is just something I do during the week. I don't really care about it. If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow. And even if it doesn't get done by me, it will get done by someone else.

I also realize how antisocial I am. I hate leaving work to go to lunch. I always tell myself it's because I am hourly and then when I get to be salary it will be different. But I know that's not true. I will still have to work 40 hours a week and do what I need to do. The only difference will be that I don't have a hard stop on Friday's. I will be able to stay until 5. Which will frankly blows. I love getting out of work early on Fridays. It makes me really happy.

I also think that I am not judgement at all. But that's not true either. I either love people or I hate them. When I hate them, I can be really mean about them. Like for a few days, I have been hating on one of my closest friend FridaysFriend. I been saying things that are true, but it's not like I don't have things about myself that people can be mean about. And last night I found out that FridayMom, is having heart surgery on Wednesday. I mean everyone knew this would happen eventually but not when she is 50!! But now I feel all guilt about everything that I have said about FridaysFriend. I really need to be there for her right now. And I will be. But I was very judgemental.

England

It took me especially long to get into work today. I know that I left about 30 minutes later than I usually do, but it must have been all the snow and everything. I felt like I was at this one light for 20 minutes.

*

Today my family and my mom leaves for England. I am happy and sad. I am happy that they are leaving because I miss my routines and my bathroom to myself. But I am sad because my mom is leaving. I am always sad when my mom goes to England. I don't really know why. I mean I do...kind of. That was the first time I flipped out. Or at least that was the first time everyone noticed that I was really sick. So it's anxiety provoking! I know that she will have a wonderful time though. I know that she really really want to see LondonCousin. My mom is her Godmother. And of course we hardly ever see them because of the distance.

*

I am kind of sad that ShortGirl is going. She is like the big sister that I never had. I mean she and I do a lot together. We motativate each other to go to the gym. Like yesterday, I really didn't want to go but she really did so we went. It was actually not a good workout but it was better than nothing. And now I have a smoking buddy. My real sister was my smoking buddy before she went to college, but since she is gone it has only been me.

*

I won't miss all the stuff that FavoriteAuntie and ShortGirl use. It's crazy how much stuff we have gone through since they have been here. Thankfully they didn't like my shampoo and conditioner. But the amount of toliet paper and paper towels and food that we have gone through. I can't believe that at one time my brother and sister lived with us too. When it's just my parent and me, we run the dishwasher like everyother day. But now we have been having to run it everyday.

*

And I definitately won't miss the fighting that goes on. ShortGirl is always on the phone and no matter who she is talking to, there is a fight. It's like she wants to get into a fight or something. I am definitately not one for fighting. I feel like you don't get anything done other than get mad at the other person. Which I feel is stupid

*

I will miss FavoriteAuntie telling me how much I am helping ShortGirl and her. She pretty much tells me everyday. I think it's reason it works out is due to my age. ShortGirl and I are pretty close in age so I can tell her she is being irrational in a way that she will understand. I always can tell her honestly what I think about what she is doing without her getting mad at me. Because I've been through similar situations and know what should be said. I always say it in a way that doesn't offend her. Because I know what offended me when I was going through hell.

*

I know that my dad and I will have a good time without my mom. We always seem to get closer when she leaves. We watch crappy TV together and laugh about all the stupid things that happen on the show. Like right now our favorite show is American Idol. It's always fun to watch how stupid people are on the show, especially the judges. We alway have fun making dinner together. We pretty much like the same kinds of food and we make it in the way that we like. Our favorite meal is homemade hamburgers. I don't know why but they sometimes taste better than 5 Guys. And we never use buns. We always use toast, which makes it significantly better.

*

I am sure that my mom will have a good time and I know that ShortGirl won't. I am expecting a lot of calls from everyone when they are in England. Which I don't really mind because then I can tell them what English Chocolates they have to bring me back.

I COPE

So I am really stressed out. My therapist gave me this worksheet called I COPE. Now I am finally going to try it.

Identifying stress: What am I stressed about? I feel like saying everything under the sun, but I doubt that is really identifying the stress. I really think it has to be with a few things. First, is my family is still here, which I have bitched about a few times. But another is that my cousin keeps telling me to come home from work. Which really wouldn't be a big deal because obviously I am not doing much because I am blogging. But I don't really want to use my Paid Time Off. While it's boring it feels better to interact with people who are not my family.

Communiate Skills: Expressing your needs and saying "no." So far so good on that one. I am still at work. My need is to stay at work so that I can take time off in August to go to England for my cousin's wedding. I need to stay at work to feel somewhat sane. But it is getting harder and harder to say no. I mean why the hell can't I take off work. Does it really matter that much?

Organization Skills: Prioritizing. My number one priority is work. I can lose this job, especailly in this economy. And my cousin won't remember that I took off work to take care of her in a few weeks. She will be in NYC doing whatever she does. Maybe she will have a job or something and I will the furthest from her mind. But I know that my boss will remember that I took off and I certainly will.

Perception Skills: Letting go. I need to let go of the fact that my cousin just wants attention. Maybe that is accepting the fact...Anyway, I need to learn that she will do anything for attention especially right now. This is not a new behavior for her. So I need to let go of this anger that she is making me feel guilty. I mean this is how she is, right or wrong, it's how she is.

Enchancement Skills: Relaxation. I can't really do this at work. I usually would just read or blog. But I am at work. I could just go for a smoke. But I've already smoked like half my pack today. Anyone with suggestions?

Blah- I haven't been here in years!

I feel like I haven't been here in years. I feel like I haven't been to work in years. I feel like I haven't been emotionally and physically in the place I am in years. And truthfully I haven't.



I feel depressed and sick. Now am I feeling sick because I am depressed? Or am I feeling depressed because I am sick? I don't really know and it doesn't seem to really matter.



I am so done with my family being at my house. I love them but they are so messy and they mess up my schedule. Sometimes I just want to go home and read, but my cousin wants to talk about how horrible her life is. I feel obligated to listen. But she doesn't really want to hear how I feel about things. It's totally lame. My aunt is being helpful with dinner and stuff, but when she gets upset at my cousin, the whole house is in an uproar. It's frankly horrible.



My dad and I were talking this morning about how we just want them to leave. I do love them, but I am sick of the fighting and manipulation. My cousin everyday tries to get into a fight with my aunt about anything and everything. Then when I try to tell her that her mom is doing the best that she can, my cousin flips out. She talks about that it's not good enough and that no one understands her. I point out that it's because she is being unrational. She doesn't want to listen to anyone else.



My emotions are all over the place. I just freaking tired. Like now I am at work, but I can't stop thinking about what's going on at home. I am very grateful I am at work because then I don't have to deal with it, but it consumps my every thought and every feeling. And everyone in my family is stressed. Since my mom is going to London with them, she is stressed about packing and money. FavoriteAuntie is stressed that ShortGirl is trying to get into a fight with her every single second. ShortGirl is just being irrational about everything and anything that comes to mind. My dad just wants them to go and I just feel sick and depressed.



I know that the end is near. They are leaving tomorrow afternoon and I won't see them. I have work and then class. But I just want them to be gone tonight. My cousin really wants to go to the gym and my thing is that I'd rather go to the gym right after work. Instead we wait until much later to go to the gym. I know that it is less crowded but I'd rather wait for equipment then go late. I am an early to bed kind of person. I love sleeping so not sleeping is not an option. I might work longer today though so that I can leave early tomorrow and Thrusday. I am so sick of work right now.



I am so tired of people calling me too. I have no idea where things are at their desk or who to call to tell them they are going to be late. I don't really care. I just need some sleep.

Make a Command Decision

So I have decide that I need to love myself. I never have and I think it's about time. So this what I need to do.

1) Move out out of my house. Both my parents are depressed and have come very sick. They make me hate myself. They are very critical. This will have to be one of the last things I do. I am waiting for my friend A.C.E.S to get a full time job. She is a temp right now and they are going to offer her a job, but she is like me and thinks it might not be true. Then we will need to decide wehre we should live and how much it will cost

2) I need to stop talking about my weight as a horribel thing. Every blog I've read has given me ideas on how to do that. First, I joined a gym, so I would loss weight. Now I find out that I should go to the gym for other reason. The main other reason that I would go to the gym is stress relief. I makes me just less stressed. I also need to tell my mom to shut the fuck up when she gives me crap about how much I weigh. She tells me shit like, you don't look like you use to and we shoud go on a diet together. My response will be something to the effect "Thanks, but no thanks!" I have done the whole, "Mom shut up!" But that does not really work. I've said "Don't ever wonder why I got a eating disorder, if I get one."

3) STOP TELLING PEOPLE THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF. I feel like that reforces it in my mind. For a person who was once considered to have body dymorphic disorder, they are very few things I hate about myself. This is of course relative because maybe there are people out there that don't hate anything about themselves.

4) I need to leave my toxic friend. This is what I've been needing to do for a long time. OMGMyBoyfriend is the worst for me. But I don't really know how to finish it. I mean it is kind of done. She never calls anymore and always has to see her boyfriend. I do have a few other friends that are bad for me, like FridayFriend. But her's is more of a family thing. Her whole family is very critical of everyone. Including me because they consider me family as well. But I am kind of tired of it. Critize is not a good thing.

Okay so that's 4! Four is better than none, which is what I had before. I am trying here...

Whatever!!

So I am at work again! Which is not unusal for a Friday. But I feel like I live here. I never really felt that way when I was in college.

*

Today I am going to stay positive but it's becoming really hard. People are annoying me! And I am just plain tired. I awoke up this morning and my whole body was just tired. I went the computer to check my email and my hand could hardly hold the mouse. I thought I was going to fall asleep while I was driving. But I didn't and I made it here.

*

I am thankful that I don't have to go out with Friday'sFriend! I love going out with her but I am not really in the mood to deal with ShortGirl and her together for a few hours. I am looking forward to working out because finally my iPod is back in service. I have been reading while working out and that has been good. But I don't really focus on the work out when I am reading a really great part.

*

So my family wants to go to Richmond this weekend. And like said before I am not going to go. But it looks like they may not go because my sister is really sick. My mom feels like she should go done there to take care of her. But my sister is not a happy camper when she is sick. Like at all. She is winy and crappy. I do miss my sister but I want to see her when she is healthy and happy. But anyway, back to the original problem. They might not go down there and that means another day with ShortGirl. I do love her, don't get me wrong. But it is so stressful. I feel like I might hit her if she complains one more time. Woh is her right now. But I don't think she sould milk it for all it's worth. I feel angery that she's not grateful for what we have done with her. I mean she was suppose to go back to England, not come stay with us. She is ungrateful when we give her stuff. And it's like OH MY GOD, REALLY.

*

Enough about her. I offically hate Valentine's Day! It is a horrible holiday. I mean people get you chocolate that you don't like and if one gets you anything you feel lonely and upset. I do realize that today is Friday the 13th and V-Day is tomorrow, but of course I got stuff for people at work. Like my boss and some of my friends and I feel sad that no one remembered me. I have been telling FridaysFriend that I got her something, but now she feels like she has to get me something. And I know it's the thougth that counts and everything, but it does make me feel lonely. I am sure that my mom and dad will at least get me a card. They always do. And this year for once I did get my mom and dad a card. I never really thought about giving them stuff before. But I guess I am growing up and want them both to have something.

*

I can't believe about the plane crash in Buffalo. It makes me sad, but at least that is what taking up the news day instead of some bullshit that I couldn't care less about. But still it's really sad.

*

I want to thank everyone for their kind words on the whole weight thing.

Obsessing

So I am really obsessing about my weight. I just went to The-F-Word and asked what I should do about went people call me fat. But frankly it's only my mom and I calculated my BMI today and it's 23, which is normal. It wouldn't bother me as much if she didn't say it all the time and then tell me that I should go on a diet. I mean come on! I just don't get it.

I feel worthless when she tells me things like that. I think its her way of telling me something that she hates about herself. But I hate it... I can't even think right now...I'll finish this later.

I need to Journal

I feel like I need to journal but I am at work so I can't so here we go...

My cousin, Short Girl, is getting a divorce. Well not exactly. See she went to NYC for her birthday and then when it was time to go back to London, where her husband lives, she didn't get on the plane. She said "I just couldn't do it." So her mom, Favorite Auntie, told her to come down to us in VA. She fought about it when her mom, but eventually came.

At first, when it was just her and me. It was great. I would talk her through what she was feeling. She would just listen and do what I said because mostly she was so numb. But she would help me do things to. I join a gym so that we could get our nervous energy out. It was wonderful.

Then Favorite Auntie came on Monday. Which is fine...she is my favorite auntie after all. But then Short Girl got all needy. She didn't understand why her parents would only pay for half of her NYC apartment. She also didn't understand why they expected her to get a job as soon as possible.

I don't feel sorry for her in those areas. I mean if my parents paid for half of an apartment around her, I would be able to afford a great apartment. And of course she needs a job...SHE'S 25 YEARS OLD!! But I have learned that she is spoiled and that when she doesn't get what she wants she gets pissed.

Then on Tuesday, my mom, Short Girl, Favorite Auntie, and I went out to dinner. And for some freaking reason, my sexual abuse came up. I mean really?? What the hell?? And I started cry and then I was over it. I told them that I didn't want to talk about it and they didn't. GREAT!!!!!

Then as we were walking into the house. My cousin told me that I was allowed to be a slut because I was sexual abuse. And I started crying again. I mean What the hell?? I don't need someone to tell me what I can and cannot be. And why I am things. Then I was over that after a smoke.

But now she just "Me, me, me!" She feels the need to call me and just tell me how horrible her life is and that she doesn't know what she should do. I am like "Do what you can live with." But of course that's not the right answer. She wants me to help her decide. Which of course I won't do. Then this morning, while I am at work she calls to tell me she had a bad dream about the whole situation with her husband. So I listen and add "Oh" "Wow" etc. Then she asks me what it means. I tell her that she is stressing about the situation and fears the worst will happen. And that's what gave her a bad dream. Well that answer isn't good enough for her. She wants me to tell her what every part of the dream means. What she should do about. I am like "Nothing! Just journal about it" But still thats not good enough. I lie and say I have a meeting and get off the phone.

I am so tired! I don't want to try to fix her. I am done!!!!!!!!!!