Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I Lie to Myself More Than Anyone Else

While I was smoking my after lunch cigarette, I thought "I really don't want to go to class tonight! I wish I could go to the gym instead!" Then I realize that's not true. I just want to go home and get in my pj's and watch American Idol.

I realize I do that a lot. I think about what I wish I could be doing right now instead of being at work doing nothing. I came up with all sorts of things. Like getting my bills in order or looking for a place to live or looking for another job just in case I get laid off. But actually none of those are true. If I was not a work right now, I would probably be home watching crap TV.

I also was telling myself how much I am going to miss my mom. But chances are that if she was home, I wouldn't see her. Especially on Wednesdays when I have class until 10 pm. She would be in bed before I got home and she is out of the house by 5:15 am to go to work. Maybe I would see her tomorrow night. But even then I might be mad at her.

I also tell myself that I either really hate my job or I really love my job. But truthfully neither is true. My job is just something I do during the week. I don't really care about it. If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow. And even if it doesn't get done by me, it will get done by someone else.

I also realize how antisocial I am. I hate leaving work to go to lunch. I always tell myself it's because I am hourly and then when I get to be salary it will be different. But I know that's not true. I will still have to work 40 hours a week and do what I need to do. The only difference will be that I don't have a hard stop on Friday's. I will be able to stay until 5. Which will frankly blows. I love getting out of work early on Fridays. It makes me really happy.

I also think that I am not judgement at all. But that's not true either. I either love people or I hate them. When I hate them, I can be really mean about them. Like for a few days, I have been hating on one of my closest friend FridaysFriend. I been saying things that are true, but it's not like I don't have things about myself that people can be mean about. And last night I found out that FridayMom, is having heart surgery on Wednesday. I mean everyone knew this would happen eventually but not when she is 50!! But now I feel all guilt about everything that I have said about FridaysFriend. I really need to be there for her right now. And I will be. But I was very judgemental.

1 comment:

liz said...

Hugs.

And know that we all do that.