Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So today...it's only 10 o'clock and I am bored out of my mind. I wish someone would just tell me to go home. That is my dream right now...my bed!! I am on Chantix, which is a stop smoking pill. For the first week you smoke and then you try and stop. I am "trying" to stop tomorrow. But back to my point. It makes you tried all day and then doesn't let you sleep at night. It's horrible.

I feel really sicky today, but mostly because I am tired! I have an overwhelming sense of guilt, loneliness and self hatred. I am not quite sure why. I think it's mostly because I'm PMSing and on this Chantix stuff. My temper is really getting the better of me lately. I'm very intense and feel like my heart is going to explode sometime. I sometimes wish it would! Not to die, but to be on bed rest or something. I really just need a nothing day, but that doesn't seem likely anytime soon. I think WBK and I have plans all weekend. But I am not sure if they are finalized.

I am reading Twilight...which of course I said I would never do. But nonetheless it's not that bad. I am actually getting to the good parts and can't wait to read more. I fortunately have not seen the movie, so I really have no idea what is going to happen. That's the way I like it. I love being able to get excited about books. And if this has a wonderful ending I am going to read the next one as well. I am hoping to finish this one before England. And since I have like two weeks and less than half the book left. I am sure I will be fine. I kind of wish that was what I was doing right now. Just home in my room reading with my boy right next to me. It makes me happy to be around him...

That reminds me...sometimes I feel like I need him around, rather than wanting him around. I feel like I am becoming dependent on him. He sleeps over everynight and he is the one that wakes me up in the morning. I am nervous that I am becoming too much for him (do you see my self hatred coming out?). I am worried that one day soon he will realize that I am such a failure at life. Then he will find someone better than me (which wouldn't be hard). I tell him that I miss him and he says that he misses me...but I worry that he prefers time away from me. I know that sometimes I would just like time to myself. Away from my roommates and him, but that doesn't happen often. And to be truthful, we spend all the weekdays apart. I am at work and he is looking for jobs and running errands.

I'm also really worried because he didn't go to church last night and I feel like that all my fault. Although I haven't been to the gym in forever and I know that's not his fault, it's my own. But this is my self doubt coming up hard core. I just need to stop thinking about all the negatives things that could happen and focus on the positive things that are happening. I believe that he does truly like me. But I am nervous that I am going to smother him with my feelings. I feel like he is too good for me. He is always nice to me (even when he is moody). And honestly I don't know why...see this me thinking again. I really need to just calm down and be happy that right now he is with me. You always lose when you play the "what if" game.

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