I don't understand why people get so mad at me sometimes. I mean I get mad at people and they get mad at me in return. But what I don't understand is, how people can be mad when I have no sense of anger. I am emotionally and physically drained from what's been going on lately. I have been yelled, called a lyer and just been overwhelmed dealing with other people's superficial bullshit. And it's everywhere. I am not one to believe in conspiracies, but it's like all the people in my life and surroundings just decided to go crazy.
For the most part I am handling it well. I mean no extremes with me. I mean emotionally I am at extremes, but with my cutting I am good. I haven't tried to kill myself or anything. But I have been used "I wish I could just kill myself" line often. I don't mean it (at least I don't think I mean it). But it scares people and they get all nervous. And WBK yells at me...I mean not like mad yelling, but like the whole "Never ever EVER say that." What it really is old behavior. I want to go back to the past (which wasn't that good), to be away from all this new stress. I can handle the old stress because I have dealt with it my whole life. This new shit is just crazy.
The amount of times I have just deleted nasty voicemails has gone up 100%. Mostly because I never ever did that. I would listen to what they had to say. I would want to make sure I am being rational, but now I know that what I am doing is best for me. And I always so "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them!" What I really mean to say is "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!" I don't feel like deleting a viocemail is hurtful to anyone. I mean I would delete it after I listened to it right? So I just don't need to hear some bitch (and yes it's always females) going off about how much I suck. And God damn if I hear one more time "You make me...." I had a long conversation with WBK about I don't make you do shit. You do it yourself.
This is the point where I wish everyone had gone to therapy. You can't make people do anything. They will do themselves. Someone might feel mad, angry, pissed off because of something I did or said. But I didn't make them that feel or do anything. I wish I had that power. I would make people pay the fucking bills on time or just shut the fuck up sometimes. How awesome would that be? Being able to control people? Damn I would do it all the time. It's surprising that people don't realize this. I want to be like "Hell yeah, give me your will power! But if I had it you dumbass I wouldn't make you mad or whatever. I would make you clean the house or patch things up with so-and-so."
So yeah! I am trying to quit smoking again (for the 20th time). I am on Chantix or whatever its called. So I smoke for a week and then I stop (or as it goes try to smoke). I am happy yet nervous yet ready. I mean when I wake up in the morning, it hard core coughing. And I feel my lungs just totally sucking. I really need to start exercising again. I haven't gone in at least a month. I want WBK to join with me at the gym, but since un-employment doesn't pay well (but mummy and daddy do), he can't really afford it. Which sucks, but is a great reason not to go to the gym!