Anxiety CAN kill me

I am so excited about moving out! But I have a lot of questions and it makes me anxious that they are going to say no. I sent the question to my friend today so that she can talk about it with her husband before I get there. It's like I want to get the ball rolling. I would seriously consider giving them some money so they will hold a room for me.

I am almost obsessing about moving out. I can't really think of anything else. I have to go somewhere else now. Talk to you later.

Moving Out

I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!! Surprisingly my parents are being very helpful. My mom has asked some people at work if they have anything for me because all of their children are grown. I know that I have a TV and a sofa. Those are both important things for me to have.

Now all I need is a bed. I will helpfully get the master bedroom at the house I am moving into. That way I can have my own bathroom. I will hopefully moving in the beginning of April. I realize that April 1st is a Wednesday and I doubt that I can move in then, especailly with class. But I could move in the weekend before or the weekend after.

It's kind of rough moving into a house, because I have no furniture. I really want a new bed but mattresses are so expensive. The cheaper ones look so uncomforable. But the ones I want are like $200-$300. That is really expensive to a poor lowly admin!

February 22nd

I feel that this will be a very uneventual day. I am already bored and I've only been at work for a few hours.

My mom got back from London yesterday. It was nice to see her. I know that I am 22, but I really do miss the little things that she does for me. Like putting out my coffee cup in the morning. Not that is a hard thing for me to do in the morning, but it's nice.

So ShortGirl is not back with her husband. They are doing a trail separation. Its seems logical to me. But I guess not to him. He refused to take her back and then cried when she packed up her stuff. It just seems very weird to me. How can you be upset with someone who is just doing what is needed. I guess in the end he said he would try to stop drinking for her. He said he would try to do AA. I think this is a good positive step but maybe he won't go. And it will be hard to know from NYC.

Nothing more interesting to say.

My Life is Uneventful

I did go to the gym last night, but I really didn't want to. Then I got home and ate pizza. This morning for my snack I had two twinckies. So all the calories and fat I worked off (if any), I have now put back into my body.

I had a novel idea today. Instead of leaving early on Fridays I could come in late. By late I would probably mean like 9:30 or 10. That way I could work out in the morning. I have a long standing every Friday night plan with FridayFriend. We go to Fridays! Then we go shopping. We call it Fridays on Friday or Friday at Fridays. It just depends. And really we have only missed a few over the year that we have done it. Sometimes we have other plan or we get sick. But then we usually make it up later on in the weekend.

I am kind of excited about tonight. I feel good (well at least right now). I feel like I should go to the gym, but that would mean that I went Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thrusday and Friday. Which is crazy! I always said that I would take Wednesday and Fridays off. And if I had a late night on either Friday or Saturday that I wouldn't go the next day. I usually don't have late night though. I do when I am reading.

Speaking of reading I read Dead Until Dark. I loved it! I was kind of not that interested in reading at first. Then after the first few chapters, I couldn't put it down. It had a little bit of everything: sex, mystery, murder, romance, love, hate, supernatural etc etc. I can't wait to read the rest of the series. But right now I am reading Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which is also a series. I heard that the movie is not that great. But I love the book! It's like I feel her pain. Then I am going to read He's Just Not That into You. Which also happens to be a movie. I loved the movie but everyone says the book is better. So I am excited for that. Then I am going to on a shopping spree and get all the other books in the Dead Until Dark series. Then I will get the rest of the Confession of a Shopaholic series. I can't wait. I actually should buy them one at a time (which is what I am sure I will end up doing).

Other than that stuff and work, there's not much going on. I have a hysterical story about work. Email me and I will tell you!

My Schedule for Today

I have a plan for today...which may not happen but at least I have a plan.

I am here at work and I decided that I will leave a 4:30 since I got here at 7:45. Then I am going to go home and do my hair. I will get ready for tomorrow (lunch, clothes, etc). Then I am going to head to the gym. I feel like I really need to go because I talked to my mom this morning.

My aunt, cousin and mom got to London at 2 am EST, which was 7 am GMT. They can not check into their hotel until 3 pm GMT. So when I talked to my mom they were at my cousin's flat. Her husband did some really nice things for her. Like he left out her engagement ring (which they had been fighting over), he cleaned the flat, and laid out her mail. This made my cousin think that he was a really great guy that she didn't want to let go of if there was something to save. I can't believe it! I told her that her marriage was over even if she went back to him. I also told her that he would be nice to her in front of my mom and aunt. And in the end she would feel that it was easier just to stay with him. But did she listen to me? No!

My mom keeps telling me that it's not my place to decide about their marriage. I of course know that. But at the same time I know my cousin...and whatever easiest is what she is going to do. It's ridicuous. He may have done a few nice things for her, but in the end he said some really mean stuff to her as well. I feel that the bad words out weigh the good actions. And God only know what will happen when they see each other in a few days (I think they are meeting on Friday).

If I could say anything to my cousin right now it would be:

"Look, you are being a lustful wife! You told me that you wanted to leave him. You said you felt bad about doing it too. But in the end you said that he needs to stop drinking for you to go back to him. And has he? Has he said that he will stop drinking? I doubt it. ShortGirl, it's over! A few nice things that a husband should do for his wife anyways, does not out weigh the fact that he said that he would resent you for the rest of his life if he stopped drinking. Or the fact that he said that he was not sexually attracted to you anymore. Like I told you at the resturant, it may be easier to go back to him, but in the end we will end up right back here in maybe a few weeks, or maybe a few years. But in the end the marriage is over. He did not fight for you to come back. He never even said come back. All he said was 'I wish you would reconsider!' And you have considered everything. Weighed the pros and cons and in the end you found him coming up short. So go back to him if you really love him, but not because it's easier! It's not worth it."

*

"I remember what you were like in NYC. And I never want to see you back there again. You are better than that! Plus you are like 5 levels above him on the hottness scale. I love you and support whatever decision you make. But like I said when you were here, you have to call me and explain why you are staying yourself. And if it irrational, I will let you know. And if it a rational reason, then stay."

*

But of course she might flip out if I say this to her. But the more I think about it, the more I will want to say it. I am kind of at a lose of what to do. Hence why I will go to the gym and work my ass off to clear my head. And hopefully either give me the strength to not send it or give me the strength to send it. I just don't know what to do.

*

I realize that people have to make their own mistakes. But this is pretty big mistake to make to me. She hated London. She had no social life. She wasn't happy! And your husband didn't make it better. In fact, he made it worse. I just don't know what to do!

I Lie to Myself More Than Anyone Else

While I was smoking my after lunch cigarette, I thought "I really don't want to go to class tonight! I wish I could go to the gym instead!" Then I realize that's not true. I just want to go home and get in my pj's and watch American Idol.

I realize I do that a lot. I think about what I wish I could be doing right now instead of being at work doing nothing. I came up with all sorts of things. Like getting my bills in order or looking for a place to live or looking for another job just in case I get laid off. But actually none of those are true. If I was not a work right now, I would probably be home watching crap TV.

I also was telling myself how much I am going to miss my mom. But chances are that if she was home, I wouldn't see her. Especially on Wednesdays when I have class until 10 pm. She would be in bed before I got home and she is out of the house by 5:15 am to go to work. Maybe I would see her tomorrow night. But even then I might be mad at her.

I also tell myself that I either really hate my job or I really love my job. But truthfully neither is true. My job is just something I do during the week. I don't really care about it. If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow. And even if it doesn't get done by me, it will get done by someone else.

I also realize how antisocial I am. I hate leaving work to go to lunch. I always tell myself it's because I am hourly and then when I get to be salary it will be different. But I know that's not true. I will still have to work 40 hours a week and do what I need to do. The only difference will be that I don't have a hard stop on Friday's. I will be able to stay until 5. Which will frankly blows. I love getting out of work early on Fridays. It makes me really happy.

I also think that I am not judgement at all. But that's not true either. I either love people or I hate them. When I hate them, I can be really mean about them. Like for a few days, I have been hating on one of my closest friend FridaysFriend. I been saying things that are true, but it's not like I don't have things about myself that people can be mean about. And last night I found out that FridayMom, is having heart surgery on Wednesday. I mean everyone knew this would happen eventually but not when she is 50!! But now I feel all guilt about everything that I have said about FridaysFriend. I really need to be there for her right now. And I will be. But I was very judgemental.

England

It took me especially long to get into work today. I know that I left about 30 minutes later than I usually do, but it must have been all the snow and everything. I felt like I was at this one light for 20 minutes.

*

Today my family and my mom leaves for England. I am happy and sad. I am happy that they are leaving because I miss my routines and my bathroom to myself. But I am sad because my mom is leaving. I am always sad when my mom goes to England. I don't really know why. I mean I do...kind of. That was the first time I flipped out. Or at least that was the first time everyone noticed that I was really sick. So it's anxiety provoking! I know that she will have a wonderful time though. I know that she really really want to see LondonCousin. My mom is her Godmother. And of course we hardly ever see them because of the distance.

*

I am kind of sad that ShortGirl is going. She is like the big sister that I never had. I mean she and I do a lot together. We motativate each other to go to the gym. Like yesterday, I really didn't want to go but she really did so we went. It was actually not a good workout but it was better than nothing. And now I have a smoking buddy. My real sister was my smoking buddy before she went to college, but since she is gone it has only been me.

*

I won't miss all the stuff that FavoriteAuntie and ShortGirl use. It's crazy how much stuff we have gone through since they have been here. Thankfully they didn't like my shampoo and conditioner. But the amount of toliet paper and paper towels and food that we have gone through. I can't believe that at one time my brother and sister lived with us too. When it's just my parent and me, we run the dishwasher like everyother day. But now we have been having to run it everyday.

*

And I definitately won't miss the fighting that goes on. ShortGirl is always on the phone and no matter who she is talking to, there is a fight. It's like she wants to get into a fight or something. I am definitately not one for fighting. I feel like you don't get anything done other than get mad at the other person. Which I feel is stupid

*

I will miss FavoriteAuntie telling me how much I am helping ShortGirl and her. She pretty much tells me everyday. I think it's reason it works out is due to my age. ShortGirl and I are pretty close in age so I can tell her she is being irrational in a way that she will understand. I always can tell her honestly what I think about what she is doing without her getting mad at me. Because I've been through similar situations and know what should be said. I always say it in a way that doesn't offend her. Because I know what offended me when I was going through hell.

*

I know that my dad and I will have a good time without my mom. We always seem to get closer when she leaves. We watch crappy TV together and laugh about all the stupid things that happen on the show. Like right now our favorite show is American Idol. It's always fun to watch how stupid people are on the show, especially the judges. We alway have fun making dinner together. We pretty much like the same kinds of food and we make it in the way that we like. Our favorite meal is homemade hamburgers. I don't know why but they sometimes taste better than 5 Guys. And we never use buns. We always use toast, which makes it significantly better.

*

I am sure that my mom will have a good time and I know that ShortGirl won't. I am expecting a lot of calls from everyone when they are in England. Which I don't really mind because then I can tell them what English Chocolates they have to bring me back.

I COPE

So I am really stressed out. My therapist gave me this worksheet called I COPE. Now I am finally going to try it.

Identifying stress: What am I stressed about? I feel like saying everything under the sun, but I doubt that is really identifying the stress. I really think it has to be with a few things. First, is my family is still here, which I have bitched about a few times. But another is that my cousin keeps telling me to come home from work. Which really wouldn't be a big deal because obviously I am not doing much because I am blogging. But I don't really want to use my Paid Time Off. While it's boring it feels better to interact with people who are not my family.

Communiate Skills: Expressing your needs and saying "no." So far so good on that one. I am still at work. My need is to stay at work so that I can take time off in August to go to England for my cousin's wedding. I need to stay at work to feel somewhat sane. But it is getting harder and harder to say no. I mean why the hell can't I take off work. Does it really matter that much?

Organization Skills: Prioritizing. My number one priority is work. I can lose this job, especailly in this economy. And my cousin won't remember that I took off work to take care of her in a few weeks. She will be in NYC doing whatever she does. Maybe she will have a job or something and I will the furthest from her mind. But I know that my boss will remember that I took off and I certainly will.

Perception Skills: Letting go. I need to let go of the fact that my cousin just wants attention. Maybe that is accepting the fact...Anyway, I need to learn that she will do anything for attention especially right now. This is not a new behavior for her. So I need to let go of this anger that she is making me feel guilty. I mean this is how she is, right or wrong, it's how she is.

Enchancement Skills: Relaxation. I can't really do this at work. I usually would just read or blog. But I am at work. I could just go for a smoke. But I've already smoked like half my pack today. Anyone with suggestions?

Blah- I haven't been here in years!

I feel like I haven't been here in years. I feel like I haven't been to work in years. I feel like I haven't been emotionally and physically in the place I am in years. And truthfully I haven't.



I feel depressed and sick. Now am I feeling sick because I am depressed? Or am I feeling depressed because I am sick? I don't really know and it doesn't seem to really matter.



I am so done with my family being at my house. I love them but they are so messy and they mess up my schedule. Sometimes I just want to go home and read, but my cousin wants to talk about how horrible her life is. I feel obligated to listen. But she doesn't really want to hear how I feel about things. It's totally lame. My aunt is being helpful with dinner and stuff, but when she gets upset at my cousin, the whole house is in an uproar. It's frankly horrible.



My dad and I were talking this morning about how we just want them to leave. I do love them, but I am sick of the fighting and manipulation. My cousin everyday tries to get into a fight with my aunt about anything and everything. Then when I try to tell her that her mom is doing the best that she can, my cousin flips out. She talks about that it's not good enough and that no one understands her. I point out that it's because she is being unrational. She doesn't want to listen to anyone else.



My emotions are all over the place. I just freaking tired. Like now I am at work, but I can't stop thinking about what's going on at home. I am very grateful I am at work because then I don't have to deal with it, but it consumps my every thought and every feeling. And everyone in my family is stressed. Since my mom is going to London with them, she is stressed about packing and money. FavoriteAuntie is stressed that ShortGirl is trying to get into a fight with her every single second. ShortGirl is just being irrational about everything and anything that comes to mind. My dad just wants them to go and I just feel sick and depressed.



I know that the end is near. They are leaving tomorrow afternoon and I won't see them. I have work and then class. But I just want them to be gone tonight. My cousin really wants to go to the gym and my thing is that I'd rather go to the gym right after work. Instead we wait until much later to go to the gym. I know that it is less crowded but I'd rather wait for equipment then go late. I am an early to bed kind of person. I love sleeping so not sleeping is not an option. I might work longer today though so that I can leave early tomorrow and Thrusday. I am so sick of work right now.



I am so tired of people calling me too. I have no idea where things are at their desk or who to call to tell them they are going to be late. I don't really care. I just need some sleep.

Make a Command Decision

So I have decide that I need to love myself. I never have and I think it's about time. So this what I need to do.

1) Move out out of my house. Both my parents are depressed and have come very sick. They make me hate myself. They are very critical. This will have to be one of the last things I do. I am waiting for my friend A.C.E.S to get a full time job. She is a temp right now and they are going to offer her a job, but she is like me and thinks it might not be true. Then we will need to decide wehre we should live and how much it will cost

2) I need to stop talking about my weight as a horribel thing. Every blog I've read has given me ideas on how to do that. First, I joined a gym, so I would loss weight. Now I find out that I should go to the gym for other reason. The main other reason that I would go to the gym is stress relief. I makes me just less stressed. I also need to tell my mom to shut the fuck up when she gives me crap about how much I weigh. She tells me shit like, you don't look like you use to and we shoud go on a diet together. My response will be something to the effect "Thanks, but no thanks!" I have done the whole, "Mom shut up!" But that does not really work. I've said "Don't ever wonder why I got a eating disorder, if I get one."

3) STOP TELLING PEOPLE THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF. I feel like that reforces it in my mind. For a person who was once considered to have body dymorphic disorder, they are very few things I hate about myself. This is of course relative because maybe there are people out there that don't hate anything about themselves.

4) I need to leave my toxic friend. This is what I've been needing to do for a long time. OMGMyBoyfriend is the worst for me. But I don't really know how to finish it. I mean it is kind of done. She never calls anymore and always has to see her boyfriend. I do have a few other friends that are bad for me, like FridayFriend. But her's is more of a family thing. Her whole family is very critical of everyone. Including me because they consider me family as well. But I am kind of tired of it. Critize is not a good thing.

Okay so that's 4! Four is better than none, which is what I had before. I am trying here...

Whatever!!

So I am at work again! Which is not unusal for a Friday. But I feel like I live here. I never really felt that way when I was in college.

*

Today I am going to stay positive but it's becoming really hard. People are annoying me! And I am just plain tired. I awoke up this morning and my whole body was just tired. I went the computer to check my email and my hand could hardly hold the mouse. I thought I was going to fall asleep while I was driving. But I didn't and I made it here.

*

I am thankful that I don't have to go out with Friday'sFriend! I love going out with her but I am not really in the mood to deal with ShortGirl and her together for a few hours. I am looking forward to working out because finally my iPod is back in service. I have been reading while working out and that has been good. But I don't really focus on the work out when I am reading a really great part.

*

So my family wants to go to Richmond this weekend. And like said before I am not going to go. But it looks like they may not go because my sister is really sick. My mom feels like she should go done there to take care of her. But my sister is not a happy camper when she is sick. Like at all. She is winy and crappy. I do miss my sister but I want to see her when she is healthy and happy. But anyway, back to the original problem. They might not go down there and that means another day with ShortGirl. I do love her, don't get me wrong. But it is so stressful. I feel like I might hit her if she complains one more time. Woh is her right now. But I don't think she sould milk it for all it's worth. I feel angery that she's not grateful for what we have done with her. I mean she was suppose to go back to England, not come stay with us. She is ungrateful when we give her stuff. And it's like OH MY GOD, REALLY.

*

Enough about her. I offically hate Valentine's Day! It is a horrible holiday. I mean people get you chocolate that you don't like and if one gets you anything you feel lonely and upset. I do realize that today is Friday the 13th and V-Day is tomorrow, but of course I got stuff for people at work. Like my boss and some of my friends and I feel sad that no one remembered me. I have been telling FridaysFriend that I got her something, but now she feels like she has to get me something. And I know it's the thougth that counts and everything, but it does make me feel lonely. I am sure that my mom and dad will at least get me a card. They always do. And this year for once I did get my mom and dad a card. I never really thought about giving them stuff before. But I guess I am growing up and want them both to have something.

*

I can't believe about the plane crash in Buffalo. It makes me sad, but at least that is what taking up the news day instead of some bullshit that I couldn't care less about. But still it's really sad.

*

I want to thank everyone for their kind words on the whole weight thing.

Obsessing

So I am really obsessing about my weight. I just went to The-F-Word and asked what I should do about went people call me fat. But frankly it's only my mom and I calculated my BMI today and it's 23, which is normal. It wouldn't bother me as much if she didn't say it all the time and then tell me that I should go on a diet. I mean come on! I just don't get it.

I feel worthless when she tells me things like that. I think its her way of telling me something that she hates about herself. But I hate it... I can't even think right now...I'll finish this later.

I need to Journal

I feel like I need to journal but I am at work so I can't so here we go...

My cousin, Short Girl, is getting a divorce. Well not exactly. See she went to NYC for her birthday and then when it was time to go back to London, where her husband lives, she didn't get on the plane. She said "I just couldn't do it." So her mom, Favorite Auntie, told her to come down to us in VA. She fought about it when her mom, but eventually came.

At first, when it was just her and me. It was great. I would talk her through what she was feeling. She would just listen and do what I said because mostly she was so numb. But she would help me do things to. I join a gym so that we could get our nervous energy out. It was wonderful.

Then Favorite Auntie came on Monday. Which is fine...she is my favorite auntie after all. But then Short Girl got all needy. She didn't understand why her parents would only pay for half of her NYC apartment. She also didn't understand why they expected her to get a job as soon as possible.

I don't feel sorry for her in those areas. I mean if my parents paid for half of an apartment around her, I would be able to afford a great apartment. And of course she needs a job...SHE'S 25 YEARS OLD!! But I have learned that she is spoiled and that when she doesn't get what she wants she gets pissed.

Then on Tuesday, my mom, Short Girl, Favorite Auntie, and I went out to dinner. And for some freaking reason, my sexual abuse came up. I mean really?? What the hell?? And I started cry and then I was over it. I told them that I didn't want to talk about it and they didn't. GREAT!!!!!

Then as we were walking into the house. My cousin told me that I was allowed to be a slut because I was sexual abuse. And I started crying again. I mean What the hell?? I don't need someone to tell me what I can and cannot be. And why I am things. Then I was over that after a smoke.

But now she just "Me, me, me!" She feels the need to call me and just tell me how horrible her life is and that she doesn't know what she should do. I am like "Do what you can live with." But of course that's not the right answer. She wants me to help her decide. Which of course I won't do. Then this morning, while I am at work she calls to tell me she had a bad dream about the whole situation with her husband. So I listen and add "Oh" "Wow" etc. Then she asks me what it means. I tell her that she is stressing about the situation and fears the worst will happen. And that's what gave her a bad dream. Well that answer isn't good enough for her. She wants me to tell her what every part of the dream means. What she should do about. I am like "Nothing! Just journal about it" But still thats not good enough. I lie and say I have a meeting and get off the phone.

I am so tired! I don't want to try to fix her. I am done!!!!!!!!!!