One of the last Sundays I will be working on homework. At least until I go to grad school...if I ever do. I am so happy because everything is "final!" My final paper, my final assignment, my final chapter I have to read. I am so happy.
While I am happy, I am sad too. I have been feeling very depressed lately because I am graduating. All of my issues from the past keep coming up. I know this is what will always happen when something significant comes up, but I haven't accepted that fact yet. It still upsets me that I get depressed and all I want to do is sleep. My parents have tried to get me out of my head and everything, but sometimes it doesn't matter what I do...I am in my head. I know there are a lot things going on that make me want to just kill myself. Like the fact I don't have a job. I don't want a shitty job!!!!!!! I want a job that I can do something with. But of course that doesn't mean anything to the people that are hiring me. Also all the shit with my sister. It is like I am a after thought. I know that I am not but if you look up middle child syndrom in the dictionary you will see a picture of me.
I also hate that my graduation is coming up so fast and I feel so far behind in all my classes. I have to read like a million pages before finals and there doesn't seem to be enough time in the world. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay. I have two weeks until finals and then all my finals are spread out. But it still doesn't matter.
Plus I have a really hard final and I run a study group. Everyone in my study group expects me to know everything and I don't. Plus no one takes notes except for me and then I have to lecture to them. I feel like I should tell them that if they have question then we can do the study group. I also know that I am pissed because everyone keeps talking about how they "deserve" grades that they don't. I know this one girl who I really do like, but she keeps saying that she deserves a C, which she doesn't. My sister came to school with me on Thrusday and took more notes then her. My sister doesn't understand IQ testing or anything in psychology, but she took more notes. I want to say to these people that if they don't have notes, they can't come to the study group! But of course I won't and I will be all pissed off the whole time that I am "teaching" them the material that they should at least have some idea about.