Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Journal Entry

Today when I was waiting for my first class I wrote in my journal.:

I've been really sick lately and I've had a lot of time to think about my sexual abuse. My mom at the time kept asking me if I has been raped at homecoming. See my mom was in England at the time of Homecoming and my dad reported that I was a horrible child after Homecoming. So when I was going crazy it had something to do with Homecoming. Thats when I told the "story" about my uncle.

Now I wonder if she had suggested it to me. I have been learning a lot about Freud lately, who claimed that that repressed memories are real. So are they real?

I have found my mind wondering. Did my mom suggest it to me? Or did learning that I can be suggested because I was mental ill make me believe it wasn't true? Or is it all the above or none of the above? Is it normal to not remember something that you remembered at some time?

I mean at the time that I was telling my doctor what happened, I believed it. I had many talks with one of my friends at the time about it. I remember remembering the bathroom. Then as time when on I don't know what I knew. I don't remember anything anymore. I wonder if I made it up because my mom wanted a reason. She suggested that it had something to with sex therefore my answer had something to do with sexual abuse.

But then again what if I am only focused on this whole suggestability thing because I was suggested by my psychology classes. Then I could be really suggestable or not at all. What if this is commonly normal? But what if its completely insane? What if its both?

How come this happened to me...


liz said...

I think that memories lose their vividness when they lose their power.

Have you denied the memory its power to hurt you anymore?

liz said...

No matter whether that incident happened, it's clear that your youth has been traumatic.

My own feeling is that it probably did happen and that for healthy reasons you are blocking it now.