Stressing

I am so stressed about everything right now! I just want to finish my paper and find out if I have a job or not. But instead I can't do either. I can't finish my paper because I don't know if I have a job and I can't find out if I have a job because the company has to call me. I just can't do anything right now.

I am waiting for my mom to get home so that I can go to school and hopefully finish my paper there. I doubt that I will finish my paper today but as long as I have something for tomorrow in class. I don't really care about this English class anymore! It is really lame and I don't know my grade, which stresses me out even more. I just want to be done. But to be done I need to finish my paper. I will get it done this weekend and hand it in the next time that I am on campus, which will probably be next Tuesday! That means that I have less than a week to finish it up. But like I said I can't really care at all.

This whole job thing is stressing me out too. I mean I would like to know what the future after graduation looks like for me. Do I have a job? Will I have to work retail again? I don't know! I have never had such uncertainly about my future as I do now. I am ready for graduation but I don't know what my life after graduation holds.

Last Week Of Classes

It is the last week of classes and I am so happy. I only have like 3 days of classes left. I know that most of them there is just lecture but my Wednesday class I have quiz, but I don't really care about it. She is giving us two quizzes and the highest one she will keep. I think I got an 85 on the first quiz and I am pretty much just getting a B in that class, so I am not worried.

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My study group is really pissing me off though. Most of them are not showing up for classes and anymore. I also got an e-mail from a group member asking me to help her with a project that I handed in over a month ago. She is still working on it, but the professor is not going to accept it. I pretty much told her that if she had a specific question I would help her, but other than that she is out of luck. I ran many study groups on how to do that project and everyone in my group handed it in on time. We haven't gotten it back yet but I sure that I got an okay grade on it. Then someone else e-mailed me to ask what pages we need to read for class, since he hadn't given us any. I did but how do you think I found them? I just looked in the book to see what was where. It makes me angry that everyone is just skating by on what I know. I am actually earning my grade in that school, so I should know what is going on, but it makes me angry that everyone is depending on me because they don't care enough. I am thinking about cancelling one of the study groups because it is on the last days for the semester and usually I don't do anything. I am thinking that it would be mean if I did though, but hell I have a life too. Plus the only people that will show up are people that haven't done shit all semester. I don't know what my problem is about this study group lately. I think that I don't respect any of them because they are all taking grades that they don't desire or earn!!

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Right now I am trying to order graduation picture and the site is so slow that I can write this whole blog! I know that this is very important to my mom, so that is the only reason I am doing it. But she told me that she only wanted pictures that look like I am graduating. There are only two kind of picture like that. One where I am holding my cap and the other where my cap is on. Only two out of the 8 pictures they took like that look good. But she wants a package where you can get 3 different poses, so I don't know what to do. I guess that we will have more than two picture of me in the same size even though we could get three different pictures of my in the same size. Whatever!!

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I can't wait until I find out if I have a job or not. They said that they would hopefully have a decision by Tuesday or Wednesday, so if they don't call I am calling them on Thrusday. I really don't want to find out Wednesday that I don't have a job, but I sure since that is the day that I definitley don't want to find out they aren't hiring me, that will be the day they call. I wish I could find out next week if I don't have the job. Can you e-mail them and say "If your not hiring me, please wait to tell me until Monday?" I doubt it but it has definitely come into my mind. But the last thing that come into my mind is probably is the thing that won't get me hired. So God only knows what I need to do.

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I have made a command decision that I will not look for another job until my finals are finished because the stress that it creates is overwhelming. Plus by the time that I get another interview it will be like graduation week and there is not way that I doing job stuff then. My family is coming in like all week, but luckily they all leave by the end of the week. My brother and his girlfriend are coming, which makes me super excited. I love his girlfriend, she is so awesome! I like her better than every other girlfriend that my brother has had. Plus he said that he is very serious about her, which for him is very surprising because usually he is not like that at all.

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STILL TRYING TO ORDER PICTURES

One Week Left

One of the last Sundays I will be working on homework. At least until I go to grad school...if I ever do. I am so happy because everything is "final!" My final paper, my final assignment, my final chapter I have to read. I am so happy.

While I am happy, I am sad too. I have been feeling very depressed lately because I am graduating. All of my issues from the past keep coming up. I know this is what will always happen when something significant comes up, but I haven't accepted that fact yet. It still upsets me that I get depressed and all I want to do is sleep. My parents have tried to get me out of my head and everything, but sometimes it doesn't matter what I do...I am in my head. I know there are a lot things going on that make me want to just kill myself. Like the fact I don't have a job. I don't want a shitty job!!!!!!! I want a job that I can do something with. But of course that doesn't mean anything to the people that are hiring me. Also all the shit with my sister. It is like I am a after thought. I know that I am not but if you look up middle child syndrom in the dictionary you will see a picture of me.

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I also hate that my graduation is coming up so fast and I feel so far behind in all my classes. I have to read like a million pages before finals and there doesn't seem to be enough time in the world. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay. I have two weeks until finals and then all my finals are spread out. But it still doesn't matter.

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Plus I have a really hard final and I run a study group. Everyone in my study group expects me to know everything and I don't. Plus no one takes notes except for me and then I have to lecture to them. I feel like I should tell them that if they have question then we can do the study group. I also know that I am pissed because everyone keeps talking about how they "deserve" grades that they don't. I know this one girl who I really do like, but she keeps saying that she deserves a C, which she doesn't. My sister came to school with me on Thrusday and took more notes then her. My sister doesn't understand IQ testing or anything in psychology, but she took more notes. I want to say to these people that if they don't have notes, they can't come to the study group! But of course I won't and I will be all pissed off the whole time that I am "teaching" them the material that they should at least have some idea about.

Bitching

Last night was alright...surprisingly. But then my Girl Scout leader concelled on coffee today. This of course is good thing because I need to do homework, but I am really stressed so I feel like I should have time to bitch to her. I am sad about it. So instead of talking to her, I am going to bitch over the blog.

My family has recovered from my parents family therapy session. My dad is still in therapy even though he is not taking his meds. My mom and dad had family therapy with my dad's therapist and I guess it didn't go so well. See my parents have all this unspoken tention that they think no one knows about but of course we all do. They must have said some things to each other that wasn't so great. So they fought about it all weekend. It was of course great fun because my mom has decided to clean the whole house before my family gets here for my graduation. She needs my dad's help because half of the crap is his from the 70's. While I was doing homework they were fighting about everything. It was lame...

Also my sister is making me upset because she keeps telling me how great her life will be when she moves out. This is not exactly what is bothering me because I know that she will have a good time. However, I am not moving out nor have I ever, so while she is doing what she wants in Richmond. I will be in NOVA with my parents hearing them bitch together. I am hopefully that the whole house will change once my sister leaves. I hope that my parents will be more relaxed about her drugs addict-ness. But truthfully they should be more concerned then ever. But what do I know, I've just been in therapy for half my life...

Another thing that is making me angry is my friend OMGMyBoyfriend. We meet every Thrusday between class to just eat and chat. Well two Thrusday's ago I was sick so I didn't go to any of my class. But this Thrusday she didn't call or show up. I called her 3 times. The first to ask if she was coming. The middle to see if everything was alright and the last to make sure she got the first two. I know a little insane, but this is the second time that she has done this. She still hasn't called and I don't really know if I want to call her. She is not exactly one of the good kind of friends that I need. In fact is she is really mean about things sometimes. She is very much wanting to have a better job than me, which she will!! She is a double major and that looks good. So for every job I interview for she tells me how bad it is. I haven't told her about this job interview that I have on Wednesday because I don't want to hear her shit. I am sick of everyone bitching to me.

I also hate how everyone is stressing about job and thinking that I am fine...The recession is everywhere! I have accepted the fact that either I am going to have to take a job that I dislike or I going to paid badly. My big problem right now is that I am so positive that I am going to get this job on Wednesday. I mean I might now get it on Wednesday but they will offer me job. So of course I have stopped looking for a job, which is really bad. I have to keep looking just in case because I might not get the job because I have no experience. This makes me very upset that I am counting on something that might not come through. I am just very stressed right now.

Graduation

I am freaking out about graduation. I not only know this from my everyday thinking about it but also my dreams. I know it sounds a bit Freudian, but hey I am a psyc major.

So my dream last night was that I was at a mall - a huge mall that had 3 floors - with HSfriend1 and HSfriend2. I haven't seen either of these "friends" in about 4 years, except maybe in passing at the store. We never talk or hang out or call or really anything. So HSfriend1 was looking for a prom dress, but not a dress. She wanted to stand out, so she was going to where a suit. Now this would totally happen when we were back in HS so no biggy. Then HSfriend2 decided that she wanted to look at make-up. And we went in to a store that I use to work at, but it was different because it was at this huge 3-level mall. HSfriend1 did not want to do that, but she only said something to me. So I had to try to work with both of them and either wanted to do what the other wanted to do. Once again this what really happened at the end of our friendship so no big deal. Then in the dream I started to freak out because I was missing a final that I had to take. Then I started to leave, but HSfriend1 decided that I had to stay. Then I wake up.

So now the real Freudian thing. First the reason my HS friends were in my dream because I keep comparing my Uni graduation to my HS graduation. Because it feels the same way. I feel like I am not really "ready" to graduation. I feel like I have a few more class that I have to take. I have become obsessed with checking my graduation status online. But it hasn't changed since I registered for class last Fall. In HS my last day I cried all day long. I just wasn't old enough!

The mall thing really happened yesterday, but not with HSfriend1 and 2. But with my other friend MissKnowItAll. I don't think I have talked about her, but lets just say she only cares about herself. We did go to a huge mall yesterday, but it was only one floor. I feel like it is 2 or 3 miles (not kinding) from one end to the other. She is going to grad school so everything was about her. I would look for like two seconds and she would let out a big sigh and just stand there. I seriously tried on one shirt. Which brings me to...

The suit in the dream, was my suit of my interview on Wednesday. The suit is done now with my hair and everything already decided. But of course last night I was still obsessing over it. Now I am "done" with my suit. But I have to wash the shirt that goes under it, which of course will skrink it, which is what I want. But watch me wash it and it get horribly distroyed. So now I am obsessing about that. But I can't wash it until tomorrow because that is "my day" to do laundry. My house is insane.

The finals thing in my dream, is really about finals, but my English final paper. So I really need to do it but instead of doing it, I am blogging. This is completely old behavior. But I didn't blog back then, so I would just sleep. Which I have already done today. I don't want to do it because my professor is an ass. He approved of my final paper and then he didn't. It has been really fun to say the else.

Today my mom is all on me to get my graduation announcements done, but I don't really want to. Plus we don't have the pictures yet so what the hell would these people get. A paper that says that I am graduating? I don't think people really want that!! WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

I am so ready

I am so done with school. It is to the point where if I have sit through another lecture I am going to shoot myself. But that is not what this blog is about...its about boys!!

I had a weird dream last night about my ex-boyfriend and now I can't stop think about the fact that I am single. Now I am happy (somewhat) that I don't have boyfriend because its the end of the semester and I don't have time to give a shit about someone's feelings. I know that sounds mean but it is the truth.

But I am kind of sad that I can't bring a boy to my cousin's wedding in June. And it pisses me off how much my mom talks about me meeting the "perfect guy." I don't even believe in the perfect guy. My mom made it up to make me feel bad I think. She also keeps talking about how she met my dad when she was my age. WHATEVER!! I am so ready to give up on her and men in general.

Journal Entry

Today when I was waiting for my first class I wrote in my journal.:

I've been really sick lately and I've had a lot of time to think about my sexual abuse. My mom at the time kept asking me if I has been raped at homecoming. See my mom was in England at the time of Homecoming and my dad reported that I was a horrible child after Homecoming. So when I was going crazy it had something to do with Homecoming. Thats when I told the "story" about my uncle.

Now I wonder if she had suggested it to me. I have been learning a lot about Freud lately, who claimed that that repressed memories are real. So are they real?

I have found my mind wondering. Did my mom suggest it to me? Or did learning that I can be suggested because I was mental ill make me believe it wasn't true? Or is it all the above or none of the above? Is it normal to not remember something that you remembered at some time?

I mean at the time that I was telling my doctor what happened, I believed it. I had many talks with one of my friends at the time about it. I remember remembering the bathroom. Then as time when on I don't know what I knew. I don't remember anything anymore. I wonder if I made it up because my mom wanted a reason. She suggested that it had something to with sex therefore my answer had something to do with sexual abuse.

But then again what if I am only focused on this whole suggestability thing because I was suggested by my psychology classes. Then I could be really suggestable or not at all. What if this is commonly normal? But what if its completely insane? What if its both?

How come this happened to me...

I am so Tired!!

I have been so tired lately because of school and everything that has been going on. This semester has been unusually rough for me. I can't even explain why. I am not working or anything, but I am running this study group that is liking having a full time job. Everyone thinks I know the answers to everything, when really I don't. It is a very stressful class. The professor is very unorganized which makes the class even more confusing. But anyway, people keep sending him bitchy e-mails and then he talks to me about them. I don't really care, but when it turns out to be people in my group, it really pisses me off. Then I get even more stressed out and want to hurt someone.

Then whole boy thing...I am so like whatever because he is a dog and I know it, but I can't stop obsessing about him. Whatever!!!!!!1