So I am completely bored again. Mostly because I am having issues with the fact that I am not in England yet. I am done to counting down the hours. Right now I am counting down the hours until I can go home and pack. Then when I can do the online check in. I am at work of course but it is almost painful to be here. I want to be home packing and getting all excited about how awesome my trip is going to be. I only work 4 hours tomorrow, but I know that that 4 hours is going to kill me because I will counting down the minutes until I leave America. I am so ready to be gone.

I have worked my ass off to be able to go on this trip and now I need a break. I am also making plans with everyone. My cousin and I are going out Friday, which happens to be the day I get there. It is definitetly going to be interesting. I of course have a plan on how to stay awake, but God only knows if it will turn out. Usually I am always excited about Fridays, but this week is especially true because it is one week from the wedding, the day I get to England, and I am actually going out! It's hard to sit still when I want to decide what I am going to wear.

Well I collected my suit case from my parent's house. I am really excited! And of course it is huge. I am hoping that there will be a lot of extra room in it so I can bring stuff back. I have more money than I expected. So that makes me happy. I can actually buy gifts. Of course I am buying gifts for my roommates, WBK, FridaysFriends and then a co-worker. I definitely believe that will be it. I don't have to buy for my family because they will be there. I'm sure that I will send a postcard to my brother and his girlfriend. That will have to do for him. And the next time I see him will be in October so I wouln't want to buy him something and then wait til October to give it to him.

I can't wait to start packing. I am getting a little ridicioulus on what I want to bring though. I have thinking about all the shoes I want to bring, but really I don't have room for them (going with my plan to have extra room). And the amount of clothes I have bring is insane as well. With my mum's family I will go through at least two outfits a day. Now my Auntie Sa does laundry every day so I could really just let her do my laundry, but I don't really want her to. I can certainly do my own. I know that it would make her happy if I gave her laundry to do, but nonetheless I feel like I shouldn't make her. Especially since her son is getting married in a week! I have to bring dresses to go out in, jeans to go sight seeing in, and all sorts of sweaters. It will only be in the 60's when I am there. Today it hit a high of 70 though. But since I will be leaving my favorite 80+ degree weather, 70 is going to feel freezing. My mum wants me to bring my swim suit. I honestly thought she was joking but of course she wasn't. I doubt that I will wear it.

I am also stressing about picking up some meds from the doctors. They gave me two weeks worth when I was down to zero. So I have to go back and yell at them! Well not yell, they said it would be ready this afternoon, so I can go after work. But I really want to pack.

I am seriously insanely insane today. I can't think about anything else but England. I have an awesome meeting at 3 but I can't think about it! I just want to be in England. Is it time to go yet?

I'm Ready For England

Is it the 13th yet?

Drinking Bad Coffee and Craving a Smoke

Yeah, its that time again! I need to bitch! I am quitting smoking so my emotions are more extreme then usual. So I might need to scream in a minutes...

So first, I finished Twilight the other night! I went out yesterday and got New Moon (which I always think of as Blue Moon, which is a beer). And I am not even half way through and I have cried. For those of you who haven't read it, Edward leaves...and I have an irrational fear of adondoment. I've had this my whole life, so by now you would think I was use to it, but of course not. So anyways, this book is certainly playing with my fears . Then WBK left last night because he couldn't sleep and kept waking me up. I mean I was grateful that I could finally sleep, but at the same time I woke up to no one. I don't want to say I am mad, I am sad that this is the 4th time this has happened. I don't really understand what I can do. I know that he couldn't sleep, but it's his own fault. He has a totally fucked up sleep schedule since he quit this job. I mean some days he sleeps til 1 pm and other times he gets up at 6 am. I really don't know how to help him. Mostly because I really wish that I could go home right now and sleep. Or reading New Moon. But instead I am sitting being in self hatred mode.

This morning WBK called me at 6 am to see if I was up and of course I wasn't. Then he called me at about 7 to see if I was up and I actually answered this time. He then said that he wanted to take me to lunch! I said that I would love that (which I actually would). But then I told him that I would have to cover DramaQueenWannaB. And since she can be the most selfish person I've ever met, I would have to work around her schedule. So I told him I would call. So anyway, I sent an email to her and asked if that was okay. Her only response was why did I cc someone that wasn't here (her boss, my big boss). I said that I had forgot that he was gone, which I had, but mostly I was cc-ing him because I want him to see how uncooperative she is. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. Nonetheless, she hasn't answered me. Which now is fine since I can't get a hold of WBK. I have called and text him! It makes me mad because I am sure that he is asleep again. I totally hate how I can't depend on him sometimes. I am really stressed and I need just a mental health day where I sleep in and do nothing. But I can't have one of those for the rest of the year because of England. I almost don't care if I go into the negatives at this point. I am ready to go home.

And no one really seems to be helping me. I reach out for help and people just are like whatever. I know that's mostly because it seems like I am just complaining. But I do feel overwhelming tired, which gives me the feel that I am going to cry. And I do feel very very drugged. I know that is because my Chantix dosage just went up! I also know that I feel fine in a few days. I will get over the side effects. But I doubt I will get over the overwhelming fact that I just want to go to sleep right now...I don't care about a few days from now or anything...sleep is what I crave...

Snow Day

I hate hate hate snow. When I was in school I didn't mind it as long as we were off school. Now that I work and my company never closes, I hate it. Since I am admin there is always something for me to do and I can't work from home. So here I am at work with like the rest of my company at home.

I am really sick today. Well for the last few days. I thought that I just had a cold or something on Friday. So I just took it easy and didn't do Fridays on Friday. Then on Saturday my parents went out so I just stayed in my pjs all day. I watched crap TV and it felt GREAT!! On Sunday I met with people about moving out and that was very anxiety provoking. Then I had to see FridaysMom after her surgery. That was actually okay. Then about 2 o'clock. I thought that I was going to die just sitting there. So I went home and rested. That's kind of when I was thinking maybe this isn't a cold since my cough is so bad. But then I thought that it could be a chest cold.

Today I woke up at my regular time and did my routine. I went out for a smoke and realize how much snow there was. I knew that we were suppose to get 4-6 inches but those people are always wrong. So I was really surprised when it happened. Then I continued my routine. Then I heard my mom talking and usually she is at work by 6 am. So I thought something was wrong. Well it turns out that she is working 10 am - 6pm today. So once agian I was on my routine.

My blackberry gets my work emails. And the usually people were email in that they weren't able to make it. Some of them is because they are lazy and just want an excuse. Others I believe can't truly make it in because they live so far away. Then someone who always makes it said he was coming in late. That's when I started think that maybe I would go in late too. This guy lives like 3 miles from work and I live at least 5! Then I got an email from the CEO who said "use your best judgement." That was when I was thinking "My best judgement says that they don't pay me enough to risk my life to go into work."

Then unfortunately I talked with my dad, who grew up in the Mid-West where they never ever cancel schools etc. He said that if it takes "superhuman effort" to get into work then I shouldn't go. So of course I was like "It would take superhuman effort!" He then looked me straight in the eyes and said "I think you can make it in." I was like "FINE!!"

I called my mom right as I got to work to let her know I was okay. And to tell her that all the roads were crap. She then said to me "Well I wasn't going to go in but since my FairyBerry made it in I will go." Then I was like "What? Dad said I could make it in." She said "He just wanted to see some effort on your part. If you just cleaned off your car, it would have been enough." I couldn't believe it. My dad was playing mind games with me. I almost got into 2 crashes (with the same car :P) because my dad wanted me to make an effort! LAMENESS!!

I felt unsafe coming to work today, but I came. I feel like crap and have a horrible cough, but I am still here. I have nothing to do, but I still find busy work. All because my dad wanted me to make an effort. Like I am 12 years old! OMG my life is crap.

February 22nd

I feel that this will be a very uneventual day. I am already bored and I've only been at work for a few hours.

My mom got back from London yesterday. It was nice to see her. I know that I am 22, but I really do miss the little things that she does for me. Like putting out my coffee cup in the morning. Not that is a hard thing for me to do in the morning, but it's nice.

So ShortGirl is not back with her husband. They are doing a trail separation. Its seems logical to me. But I guess not to him. He refused to take her back and then cried when she packed up her stuff. It just seems very weird to me. How can you be upset with someone who is just doing what is needed. I guess in the end he said he would try to stop drinking for her. He said he would try to do AA. I think this is a good positive step but maybe he won't go. And it will be hard to know from NYC.

Nothing more interesting to say.

I Lie to Myself More Than Anyone Else

While I was smoking my after lunch cigarette, I thought "I really don't want to go to class tonight! I wish I could go to the gym instead!" Then I realize that's not true. I just want to go home and get in my pj's and watch American Idol.

I realize I do that a lot. I think about what I wish I could be doing right now instead of being at work doing nothing. I came up with all sorts of things. Like getting my bills in order or looking for a place to live or looking for another job just in case I get laid off. But actually none of those are true. If I was not a work right now, I would probably be home watching crap TV.

I also was telling myself how much I am going to miss my mom. But chances are that if she was home, I wouldn't see her. Especially on Wednesdays when I have class until 10 pm. She would be in bed before I got home and she is out of the house by 5:15 am to go to work. Maybe I would see her tomorrow night. But even then I might be mad at her.

I also tell myself that I either really hate my job or I really love my job. But truthfully neither is true. My job is just something I do during the week. I don't really care about it. If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow. And even if it doesn't get done by me, it will get done by someone else.

I also realize how antisocial I am. I hate leaving work to go to lunch. I always tell myself it's because I am hourly and then when I get to be salary it will be different. But I know that's not true. I will still have to work 40 hours a week and do what I need to do. The only difference will be that I don't have a hard stop on Friday's. I will be able to stay until 5. Which will frankly blows. I love getting out of work early on Fridays. It makes me really happy.

I also think that I am not judgement at all. But that's not true either. I either love people or I hate them. When I hate them, I can be really mean about them. Like for a few days, I have been hating on one of my closest friend FridaysFriend. I been saying things that are true, but it's not like I don't have things about myself that people can be mean about. And last night I found out that FridayMom, is having heart surgery on Wednesday. I mean everyone knew this would happen eventually but not when she is 50!! But now I feel all guilt about everything that I have said about FridaysFriend. I really need to be there for her right now. And I will be. But I was very judgemental.

I COPE

So I am really stressed out. My therapist gave me this worksheet called I COPE. Now I am finally going to try it.

Identifying stress: What am I stressed about? I feel like saying everything under the sun, but I doubt that is really identifying the stress. I really think it has to be with a few things. First, is my family is still here, which I have bitched about a few times. But another is that my cousin keeps telling me to come home from work. Which really wouldn't be a big deal because obviously I am not doing much because I am blogging. But I don't really want to use my Paid Time Off. While it's boring it feels better to interact with people who are not my family.

Communiate Skills: Expressing your needs and saying "no." So far so good on that one. I am still at work. My need is to stay at work so that I can take time off in August to go to England for my cousin's wedding. I need to stay at work to feel somewhat sane. But it is getting harder and harder to say no. I mean why the hell can't I take off work. Does it really matter that much?

Organization Skills: Prioritizing. My number one priority is work. I can lose this job, especailly in this economy. And my cousin won't remember that I took off work to take care of her in a few weeks. She will be in NYC doing whatever she does. Maybe she will have a job or something and I will the furthest from her mind. But I know that my boss will remember that I took off and I certainly will.

Perception Skills: Letting go. I need to let go of the fact that my cousin just wants attention. Maybe that is accepting the fact...Anyway, I need to learn that she will do anything for attention especially right now. This is not a new behavior for her. So I need to let go of this anger that she is making me feel guilty. I mean this is how she is, right or wrong, it's how she is.

Enchancement Skills: Relaxation. I can't really do this at work. I usually would just read or blog. But I am at work. I could just go for a smoke. But I've already smoked like half my pack today. Anyone with suggestions?

Morning Bitchiness

So I have decided that tires in general suck. I got up today very stressed out...but hey its Friday and I have nothing to do. I was checking my e-mail to see if people from my study group have e-mailed me...and they haven't. Then my sister called to tell me that she has to change a flat tire. I of course asked Which Fucking Tire Is It?? It turns out that it is the front drivers side tire...yeah the one I just changed. I told her that since we haven't gotten a new tire from Wednesday crap, that she would have to put the crap-no-tread-tire back on. Then there was compliation with getting the flat tire off, but I guess she figured it out. I couldn't help but over the phone because I don't have a car. I guess it is at the point that we need to pay two new tires. One as a spare and one to go on the car. But really you're not suppose to do that. You should put the two new tires on the car and make the front passagener side tire the spare...all I have to say is WHATEVER!!

Then with that situation kind of resolves (well as much as can be with her at school) I called my internship...or should I say the place I am trying to get an internship. I'm pretty sure that the woman I talked to was telling me that I wasn't going to get it. But she didn't actually come out and say it. Those of you that know me, know that this pisses me off. I need the straight, upfront new, not some "well I don't know...maybe...we'll see" shit that people do. This made me decided that I need to start looking for a job now...for the Summer of course. So I sent my resume to place that is looking for an HR assistant right now. They said they would keep my resume and if there is openings in May, they would let me know...great...so still nothing!

I have officially hate everything that is going on in my life...bottom line! I have two test on Tuesday, and a rought draft due. I also have to read like 40 some pages for another class. Then I have homework due on Thursday...fuck it all. I am like passed stress and going into an emotional and mental break down. I am beyond done with everything! So I don't have a job/internship, and I have an ass load of homework to do. It fucking sucks! I feel like I need a break, but I haven't really done anything today. I am so angry that I don't even know what to do. I really should find a way to de-stress/stop a mental break down. But I am so bored that I can't think of anything...this sucks.

On top of it all, finger really hurts! I really shouldn't be typing right now...I am sure my finger is bleeding or some shit. I feel like people don't believe me...but why would I lie about that??? Really I don't want sympathy I just want people to understand that I am so overwhelmed I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I need to make a plan for my homework. That way I will feel better about getting everything done. But right now I just want to sleep...

Super Bowl Sunday

So I've decided that my family is not too much fun. Usually we have the family friend's over for the super bowl but since we were there last night...until 1 am...my parents decided that we just watch it ourselves. Thats not the "not too much fun" part though. Right this very second is not the fun part. My dad is sitting on this computer in my brother's (old) room, listen to the radio that the whole fucking house can here. My mom is sitting on her bed watching some TV show, that has to be louder than my dad's radio. Then my sister is in her room, she is either asleep or she is reading a book. This is not fun! And this is what we do every fucking Sunday, without fail.

My plan for today, was to do some homework so that I wouldn't have to do anything tomorrow. Monday is by day off from school (because I wanted to work) and I don't want to do anything. But instead, I didn't get up until 10 o'clock, which isn't that bad. Then I sat around for awhile thinking I was going to throw up due to the drinking last night. Then my head really started to hurt, so I went back to bed. I got up at 3 and took a shower and now I am sitting here writing another blog. This is not fun!

Well, writing a blog is better than writing a memo about an interview that I did, but still...I mean I am on the computer. I often wonder "What do normal people do??" This then implies that I don't think I am normal, which I know I am not. But who cares about what "normal people" do? It can't be that much fun, otherwise I would have already been invited, right??

Sunday has always been my homework day. When I worked and had an internship, Sunday was my day off, so that is all I would do...HOMEWORK!! Now that I have many days off, Sunday is just my sit-around-and-be-bored day. I wish something would happen on Sunday's! I know that the Super Bowl is today, but that means that my family will try and watch the game, but I want the Patriots and my sister and mom want the Gaints, so we will get in some kind of fight! Then I will get all pissed off because it's just a stupid game.

Okay, now you see what I do!! I start freaking out about something that hasn't even happened yet. The ball hasn't even gotten on to the field. The game doesn't start until like 6 EST and now it is only like 4...I hate this about myself. I also hate that I read this person's blog and now I have so many questions, but I don't want to act like a dump ass and ask them. It was The-f-word and I just have question about "good" and "bad" food...how do I change that?? Whatever! I sure that the person could say whatever they want I would still do my own shit. I hate this!

Okay so now I need to de-stress. I have to think of happy things. Like how soon it is the even light and dark!! I can't wait because I hate walking out of my class in the dark and its only like 6 o'clock. I also can't wait for it to be warm! It is kind of nice today, like I don't have to go outside with a coat or anything, but it's not nice enough that I can be warm without long-sleeves. I also am excited about Feb. 21st because I am going to the Spice Girls concert with my sister. I have never seen them because I wasn't "allowed" to go to concert when they were popular. My sister and I are going to have so much fun!! Well that's all I got for now!