The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.


I keep saying this over and over it my head. But its not exactly what I need right now. I really to need to "Accept the wisdom to know the difference." I know the difference but I just can't accept it. I have the courage to change the things I can, but the things that I can't is what worrying me more now! I don't know what to do!

I COPE

So I am really stressed out. My therapist gave me this worksheet called I COPE. Now I am finally going to try it.

Identifying stress: What am I stressed about? I feel like saying everything under the sun, but I doubt that is really identifying the stress. I really think it has to be with a few things. First, is my family is still here, which I have bitched about a few times. But another is that my cousin keeps telling me to come home from work. Which really wouldn't be a big deal because obviously I am not doing much because I am blogging. But I don't really want to use my Paid Time Off. While it's boring it feels better to interact with people who are not my family.

Communiate Skills: Expressing your needs and saying "no." So far so good on that one. I am still at work. My need is to stay at work so that I can take time off in August to go to England for my cousin's wedding. I need to stay at work to feel somewhat sane. But it is getting harder and harder to say no. I mean why the hell can't I take off work. Does it really matter that much?

Organization Skills: Prioritizing. My number one priority is work. I can lose this job, especailly in this economy. And my cousin won't remember that I took off work to take care of her in a few weeks. She will be in NYC doing whatever she does. Maybe she will have a job or something and I will the furthest from her mind. But I know that my boss will remember that I took off and I certainly will.

Perception Skills: Letting go. I need to let go of the fact that my cousin just wants attention. Maybe that is accepting the fact...Anyway, I need to learn that she will do anything for attention especially right now. This is not a new behavior for her. So I need to let go of this anger that she is making me feel guilty. I mean this is how she is, right or wrong, it's how she is.

Enchancement Skills: Relaxation. I can't really do this at work. I usually would just read or blog. But I am at work. I could just go for a smoke. But I've already smoked like half my pack today. Anyone with suggestions?

Obsessing

So I am really obsessing about my weight. I just went to The-F-Word and asked what I should do about went people call me fat. But frankly it's only my mom and I calculated my BMI today and it's 23, which is normal. It wouldn't bother me as much if she didn't say it all the time and then tell me that I should go on a diet. I mean come on! I just don't get it.

I feel worthless when she tells me things like that. I think its her way of telling me something that she hates about herself. But I hate it... I can't even think right now...I'll finish this later.

Yesterday

My test was okay yesterday! I think it was what the professor wanted! There were some really hard questions that I didn't even know what he was asking and then there were others that were really simple! I am glad the first test is over!! It makes me feel so much better! Now we all know what his test are going to be like!

Voting was fine too! I got out of class at 5:40, and the polls closed at 7, so I thought I would have plenty of time. But then my car was frozen and traffic was horrible! But I made it there at about 6:35, so it was all good. Then one guy asked me if it was my first time voting...I didn't know if I should be offended or glad that I look like I could be 18! I even think that guy has seen me before...because he is always at the voting place. I usually vote a lot earlier but yesterday morning was stressful with all the test and everything for school!

Everyone was asking me what happened to my finger...and I just was like "I was changing a tire!" I didn't want to get into the whole I did it wrong and everything because people in my neighborhood are very much like women can't do anything themselves. Whatever! But hey I can do whatever I want!

Today I have to write a paper for my class tomorrow! I am really mad that Mason didn't cancel the classes for today. But everyone is give me shit about not telling my teacher about missing class next Thrusday for the Spice Girls Concert! It like doesn't really matter, right now! My dad keeps letting me that I need to do it in person, but I keep forgetting so I am just going to e-mail him! When class is over, I can't wait to leave, so I just do!

There I finally e-mailed him...because when I am at home I always remember that I am going to the Spice Girls because it is written everywhere...well better write my paper!

Test day/Primiaries day

So today should have been a good day, but actually its really stressful. So far I've had only one test, which was relatively easy and now I am waiting for another class to start. I am nervous about voting...not the actual picking the person, but the whole having to drive there after school and get in a fucking line with people that are bitchy. So how I always get behind the person who wants to complain about everything. Most of the time I just nod my head and are grateful I won't have to do this shit again for a year...but not this year!! But today would not be a good day to fuck with me...I am stressed.

My second test today is freaking me out and I really don't want to take it! I don't know difference between certain things and I really hope that I don't get shit wrong...I want to get a 100, just to piss him off! He said that no one would get a 100 on any of his test...so of course I want to prove him wrong! Even if I don't get a 100, I want like a 98 or something close...just as long as its an A! I really want to get straight A's this semester which is what I did last semester, but I so don't care about my classes. I really don't want to go to my class that starts in an hour! Fuck that English bullshit!!

The medical tape on my finger smells funny...I know random, but I been smelling it all day and I finally figured out what it was! I hate this whole finger thing...I can't even bend my finger very well...Like right now it is really hard to type and I have to type funny so that I can get all the keys. Fuck this bullshit!!

So today I brought an LSAT's book! I am thinking about taking it,but I don't really know yet. And the book is not helping me in that situation! It pretty much told me that this would be the hardest test I would ever have to take, and that it is really important that I do well...well fuck that! I am just reviewing because it is not a content based test it is more logical shit!

Midday Bitch

I am so bored at school right now! I know that I have to do homework with OMGMyBoyfriend this afternoon, but I am not really in the mood. Thrusday is my no homework day...but whatever.

I was in the bookstore today and was looking at the psychology books because I am doing a project on the Histroy of Hysteria and its Treatment. I just want to see if there was anything interesting, but there wasn't anything for my project. I did however see a book about cutting. I have always had a thing for cutting...not just doing it, but learning about it. But sadly I felt embarassed because someone might see me! I mean who really cares?? Its my interested and not there. Besides the fact that I can't afford it, I feel really stupid about not buying! I know that I am totally lame but I can't help it.

I am really stressed to say the least and my finger really fucking hurts!! I really hate this shit...I am so done!!

PS The picture is NOT what I want to do...it just is