Drinking Bad Coffee and Craving a Smoke

Yeah, its that time again! I need to bitch! I am quitting smoking so my emotions are more extreme then usual. So I might need to scream in a minutes...

So first, I finished Twilight the other night! I went out yesterday and got New Moon (which I always think of as Blue Moon, which is a beer). And I am not even half way through and I have cried. For those of you who haven't read it, Edward leaves...and I have an irrational fear of adondoment. I've had this my whole life, so by now you would think I was use to it, but of course not. So anyways, this book is certainly playing with my fears . Then WBK left last night because he couldn't sleep and kept waking me up. I mean I was grateful that I could finally sleep, but at the same time I woke up to no one. I don't want to say I am mad, I am sad that this is the 4th time this has happened. I don't really understand what I can do. I know that he couldn't sleep, but it's his own fault. He has a totally fucked up sleep schedule since he quit this job. I mean some days he sleeps til 1 pm and other times he gets up at 6 am. I really don't know how to help him. Mostly because I really wish that I could go home right now and sleep. Or reading New Moon. But instead I am sitting being in self hatred mode.

This morning WBK called me at 6 am to see if I was up and of course I wasn't. Then he called me at about 7 to see if I was up and I actually answered this time. He then said that he wanted to take me to lunch! I said that I would love that (which I actually would). But then I told him that I would have to cover DramaQueenWannaB. And since she can be the most selfish person I've ever met, I would have to work around her schedule. So I told him I would call. So anyway, I sent an email to her and asked if that was okay. Her only response was why did I cc someone that wasn't here (her boss, my big boss). I said that I had forgot that he was gone, which I had, but mostly I was cc-ing him because I want him to see how uncooperative she is. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. Nonetheless, she hasn't answered me. Which now is fine since I can't get a hold of WBK. I have called and text him! It makes me mad because I am sure that he is asleep again. I totally hate how I can't depend on him sometimes. I am really stressed and I need just a mental health day where I sleep in and do nothing. But I can't have one of those for the rest of the year because of England. I almost don't care if I go into the negatives at this point. I am ready to go home.

And no one really seems to be helping me. I reach out for help and people just are like whatever. I know that's mostly because it seems like I am just complaining. But I do feel overwhelming tired, which gives me the feel that I am going to cry. And I do feel very very drugged. I know that is because my Chantix dosage just went up! I also know that I feel fine in a few days. I will get over the side effects. But I doubt I will get over the overwhelming fact that I just want to go to sleep right now...I don't care about a few days from now or anything...sleep is what I crave...

Today is Friday July 24th

I am so happy it's Friday. I am doing Fridays on Fridays with FridaysFriend! I'm really happy, but since I am poor, I am nervous! I think it's her turn to pay, but I am not sure. Well I have a lot to talk about but unfortunately I have to work and have a meeting!! I really hate All Hands Meetings because they are way too long and people are very ungrateful for how much DramaQueenWannab do. People don't realize that I just send an hour setting up everything. Then I have to remind people that there is a meeting. Then they will get their slow asses upstairs to new place. And I have to clean up after them...f my life!

I'm so done!!

I am sure that I have said this often in my posts...that I am just done. But like before I really don't know what I am done with. I mean it would be nice to go to sleep without crying for 30 minutes. There are many reasons why I cry. I told WBK my deepest darkest secret which I have ony admitted out loud, twice before. He wasn't mad or shocked (or at least he didn't saw it). But he really wants me to work on it in therapy. But I haven't even told my therapist. I mean I have told psychological people. But not my thereapist, but I am sure she knows.



Then there is this whole shit with BasementRoommate. And with talking to my therapist and looking at it from a different presepective, I realize that she's not a bitch. Because a bitch would only do something once. But this chick is going overboard, therefore she might be sick. Like seriously ill. Normal people (who don't exist, but you know what I mean) don't keep doing this shit over and over. I mean she has turn almost every utility off and taken shit that isn't hers. Then calls and bitches (usually) me out about something that I can't control. I just done with her. But the surprising thing is, that we always counter act whatever she does. She or someone else she let into the house, took the kitchen table. And last night, we got a better one from my parents. It's a lot nicer and bigger...and it just looks better. Everything she had taken we have replaces within a week. She took her pots and pans (which were hers even though she never cooks). Before she could even take them out the kitchen we had new ones. She took all the glass and I replaced them by that weekend. And all of this has cost us nothing. I guess people are just giving away stuff.



Then there is work. I go to work get away from the drama of the house. I hate people being rude and ungrateful. So I go to work, where I am HR so they kind of can't be rude and the gratitude comes from the pay check. Well there is drama nonetheless. This girl who I am sure I have talked about but don't remember what I called her. So name now is DramaQueenWannab. She yelled at her boss today. And thinks its okay. I mean I can't believe she still works here. I just don't get it. She always refuses to do things for everyone and then acts surprised when no one gives her work. She gets very defensive when people tell her how to improve or just tell her how it is. I almost hope she gets fired. It would make my life a lot easier. Because then I would that I had to do something. Now she tells me like 5 minutes before something is going to happen that I need to do it. I fucking hate it.

BOTTOM LINE: the next person to bitch at me...well they will get a Liz Meader Beat Down and have no choice but to like it

Interesting Day

Today has certainly been an interesting day! And it's only 3 o'clock.

I got to work at my usual time (which is way earlier than it should be). And it my normal Monday morning routine. Then nothing....at all! I mean the rest of the people did their usual stuff...but I looked at my computer for about 4 hours doing nothing.

Then around 1:30 there was some drama with benefits. And it turns out that I've been right the whole time. What the hell? I know I was right and then my boss told I was only kind of right...but nonetheless...I was still right.

Tonight I am going to drop off April's rent! I am so excited! My first rent check!! SWEET!! I can't really believe it.

Now I am bored

I Just Don't Get It!

I feel like the theme of my life this week is: I just don't get it! At work, at home, with friends, everywhere...I just don't get it! But surprisingly have been okay with just don't getting it lately. I seem almost content with my life (almost being the key word).

So I am moving on the 4th to a Townhouse in Fairfax, which I am really excited about. My parents owe me close to $2,000 so they are paying for all the moving expenses. Which would be awesome if I didn't need all new funiture. Since have had the same funiture in my room since I was about 8, it can't be moved without following to pieces. Which makes part of me laugh because if I wasn't movie out I would never get new funiture. Anyways, my mom keeps telling me to look for sales and I've found many with the funiture I want...but then she tells me not to get it. I just don't get it! It's not like she doesn't have the money or anything, she just is waiting for something better. So I have taken the step to just buy stuff myself and pray that they just pay me back. But nonetheless I just don't get it!

Work has been really crazy because my boss has been in Mexico! She will be back tomorrow and I thank God because I can't do her job and I don't really want to anymore. But if she was here people would clear things with her before doing them, but not that surprisely they don't clear it with me. For example, I was suppose to interview someone at 12:20 and then they would be gone. But of course, someone decides (out of no where) that they are going to take him to lunch. Where did they go? I don't know! How long will they be gone? I don't know. Do they even know that I have a schedule to keep? I don't know. I find it interesting that if my boss was here, she would have beeen asked if that would be okay. But not to me! There would be no way for me to say no...but still it would have been nice to have been asked. I just don't get it!

So my roommates a few (2 to be exact) had a party and I was invited. I met most of their friends and had a great time. There was one guy that I thought was really hot, so I let my roommate know. She of course told him (hence why I told her). I got his number and we went out together. It was really great. And he seemed really interested. But then last night, he went out for St Patrick's Day and drunk texted me that he wished I was with him. I told him this morning that it just made me laugh because I figured he was drunk. We did a little text back and forth...and now he's not answering me. AT ALL!! We are suppose to go out tomorrow, but I don't think he wants to. I have done the whole "He must be asleep!" (because he has the day off) but he is still on Facebook....so maybe he just isn't by his phone. I just don't get it! It makes me nervous...I def thought that he liked me...but I guess not...WHATEVER!!

Work Is Crazy

Work for the past few days has been insane. I haven't work so hard at this job in the entire time I've been here. Right now of course I am doing nothing. I am just sitting waiting to do an interview with a potential (but unlikely) sales engineer.



There has been 4 candidates in today. 3 whom are sales engineer and 1 who is a test engineer. Most people in the company new 3 out the 4. It's been a bit crazy trying to have people's schedules work with the interviewees' schedule. Then tonight since 3 out the 4 are sales engineer, we are going to go over what each person thinks of that candidates. That is going to totally suck. One person, who would be the direct supervisor of the sales engineer, is a little crazy. He likes to micromanage. And you'd better bet that this potentailly 30 minute meeting will turn into an hour or so. After all the interviews I still have so much I will need to do. My boss is going out the country for the next week and I will be in charge of HR. Which means I will have to give feedback to all the candidates from today. It will suck!



I hopefully will find out my raise today. I am sure that is the last thing on my boss's mind, but of course that is the first thing on mine. Especially since I am signing my lease on Saturday. My rent isn't bad but still it would be more than half my paycheck as of now. Everyone says that I should be grateful that I have a job let alone getting a raise. But I feel like this raise will have something to do with how grateful they are to have me. But of course, it probably doesn't! For all I know they could be waiting to fire me. IDK!!

Thank God It's Friday!

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I got a call back from a house that I was very interested in living in. I loved it! I already picked out my room and everything. The down side is that I have to share a bathroom. But thankful it's with another girl. There will be 4 girls (including me) in a TownHouse in a nice area of NOVA. I <3 it!

I met two of the roommates yesterday. They seemed great! And they smoke! While I don't care if I live with people that don't smoke. It's helpful that they do smoke so that I am not the weird one out. I am moving in April 4th. They want me to move in the 1st but I have class on Wednesdays.

What would top off the whole day is if I find out what my raise is. I started out hoping to be salary and make 35 a year. But then I thought that maybe that was reaching too high. So then I thought want to get $1,000 after taxes per paycheck. That would be about $5 per hour raise. Then I had my performance review and once again that seemed too high. So now I am settling for $1 raise. I hope I find out today!

I COPE

Finally I got an appointment with my therapist. It's only taken a few weeks! Well more like 2 months. I am so glad that that is going to happen.

But now I am having one of the worst anxiety attacked that I've had in a while. So once again I will do the I COPE things

I: Identify Stress: 1) moving 2) class and 3) sickness

C: Communication Skills: 1) should be to seek out friends for support 2) assertiveness and just look at how I am feeling when its time for class and 3) once again assertiveness and see how I feel and if I need to go home then I will

O: Organization Skills: 1) Planning: I am looking a house and apartments. I need to realize that I really couldn't move out until April 1st. That is how I need to present my side when I look for a place to live 2) Priotizing: if I am sick I just need to go home. Class will go on without me 3) Pacing: I need to do what I am able to do. If I am working to fast and hard, then I need to slow down because I really can't get sicker

P: Perceptive Skills: 1) Letting go: I can't help the fact that I don't have a place to live so I am taking positive steps to get out of the house. I can't find a place any fast then I am looking. 2) Re-labling: class isn't the be all and end all of my Wednesday. Frankly if I miss this class no one will care or even notice I am gone. 3) Umm...sick is sick and I just have to live with it. So I guess accepting things I can't change??

E: Enhancement Skills: 1) Gentleness: I have to tell myself that it's okay to not have a place to live right now. 2 and 3) Take care of my body through eating, sleeping and excerise. If I can't go to class tonight, then I can't go to class tonight.

Snow Day

I hate hate hate snow. When I was in school I didn't mind it as long as we were off school. Now that I work and my company never closes, I hate it. Since I am admin there is always something for me to do and I can't work from home. So here I am at work with like the rest of my company at home.

I am really sick today. Well for the last few days. I thought that I just had a cold or something on Friday. So I just took it easy and didn't do Fridays on Friday. Then on Saturday my parents went out so I just stayed in my pjs all day. I watched crap TV and it felt GREAT!! On Sunday I met with people about moving out and that was very anxiety provoking. Then I had to see FridaysMom after her surgery. That was actually okay. Then about 2 o'clock. I thought that I was going to die just sitting there. So I went home and rested. That's kind of when I was thinking maybe this isn't a cold since my cough is so bad. But then I thought that it could be a chest cold.

Today I woke up at my regular time and did my routine. I went out for a smoke and realize how much snow there was. I knew that we were suppose to get 4-6 inches but those people are always wrong. So I was really surprised when it happened. Then I continued my routine. Then I heard my mom talking and usually she is at work by 6 am. So I thought something was wrong. Well it turns out that she is working 10 am - 6pm today. So once agian I was on my routine.

My blackberry gets my work emails. And the usually people were email in that they weren't able to make it. Some of them is because they are lazy and just want an excuse. Others I believe can't truly make it in because they live so far away. Then someone who always makes it said he was coming in late. That's when I started think that maybe I would go in late too. This guy lives like 3 miles from work and I live at least 5! Then I got an email from the CEO who said "use your best judgement." That was when I was thinking "My best judgement says that they don't pay me enough to risk my life to go into work."

Then unfortunately I talked with my dad, who grew up in the Mid-West where they never ever cancel schools etc. He said that if it takes "superhuman effort" to get into work then I shouldn't go. So of course I was like "It would take superhuman effort!" He then looked me straight in the eyes and said "I think you can make it in." I was like "FINE!!"

I called my mom right as I got to work to let her know I was okay. And to tell her that all the roads were crap. She then said to me "Well I wasn't going to go in but since my FairyBerry made it in I will go." Then I was like "What? Dad said I could make it in." She said "He just wanted to see some effort on your part. If you just cleaned off your car, it would have been enough." I couldn't believe it. My dad was playing mind games with me. I almost got into 2 crashes (with the same car :P) because my dad wanted me to make an effort! LAMENESS!!

I felt unsafe coming to work today, but I came. I feel like crap and have a horrible cough, but I am still here. I have nothing to do, but I still find busy work. All because my dad wanted me to make an effort. Like I am 12 years old! OMG my life is crap.