So I am completely bored again. Mostly because I am having issues with the fact that I am not in England yet. I am done to counting down the hours. Right now I am counting down the hours until I can go home and pack. Then when I can do the online check in. I am at work of course but it is almost painful to be here. I want to be home packing and getting all excited about how awesome my trip is going to be. I only work 4 hours tomorrow, but I know that that 4 hours is going to kill me because I will counting down the minutes until I leave America. I am so ready to be gone.

I have worked my ass off to be able to go on this trip and now I need a break. I am also making plans with everyone. My cousin and I are going out Friday, which happens to be the day I get there. It is definitetly going to be interesting. I of course have a plan on how to stay awake, but God only knows if it will turn out. Usually I am always excited about Fridays, but this week is especially true because it is one week from the wedding, the day I get to England, and I am actually going out! It's hard to sit still when I want to decide what I am going to wear.

Well I collected my suit case from my parent's house. I am really excited! And of course it is huge. I am hoping that there will be a lot of extra room in it so I can bring stuff back. I have more money than I expected. So that makes me happy. I can actually buy gifts. Of course I am buying gifts for my roommates, WBK, FridaysFriends and then a co-worker. I definitely believe that will be it. I don't have to buy for my family because they will be there. I'm sure that I will send a postcard to my brother and his girlfriend. That will have to do for him. And the next time I see him will be in October so I wouln't want to buy him something and then wait til October to give it to him.

I can't wait to start packing. I am getting a little ridicioulus on what I want to bring though. I have thinking about all the shoes I want to bring, but really I don't have room for them (going with my plan to have extra room). And the amount of clothes I have bring is insane as well. With my mum's family I will go through at least two outfits a day. Now my Auntie Sa does laundry every day so I could really just let her do my laundry, but I don't really want her to. I can certainly do my own. I know that it would make her happy if I gave her laundry to do, but nonetheless I feel like I shouldn't make her. Especially since her son is getting married in a week! I have to bring dresses to go out in, jeans to go sight seeing in, and all sorts of sweaters. It will only be in the 60's when I am there. Today it hit a high of 70 though. But since I will be leaving my favorite 80+ degree weather, 70 is going to feel freezing. My mum wants me to bring my swim suit. I honestly thought she was joking but of course she wasn't. I doubt that I will wear it.

I am also stressing about picking up some meds from the doctors. They gave me two weeks worth when I was down to zero. So I have to go back and yell at them! Well not yell, they said it would be ready this afternoon, so I can go after work. But I really want to pack.

I am seriously insanely insane today. I can't think about anything else but England. I have an awesome meeting at 3 but I can't think about it! I just want to be in England. Is it time to go yet?

Drinking Bad Coffee and Craving a Smoke

Yeah, its that time again! I need to bitch! I am quitting smoking so my emotions are more extreme then usual. So I might need to scream in a minutes...

So first, I finished Twilight the other night! I went out yesterday and got New Moon (which I always think of as Blue Moon, which is a beer). And I am not even half way through and I have cried. For those of you who haven't read it, Edward leaves...and I have an irrational fear of adondoment. I've had this my whole life, so by now you would think I was use to it, but of course not. So anyways, this book is certainly playing with my fears . Then WBK left last night because he couldn't sleep and kept waking me up. I mean I was grateful that I could finally sleep, but at the same time I woke up to no one. I don't want to say I am mad, I am sad that this is the 4th time this has happened. I don't really understand what I can do. I know that he couldn't sleep, but it's his own fault. He has a totally fucked up sleep schedule since he quit this job. I mean some days he sleeps til 1 pm and other times he gets up at 6 am. I really don't know how to help him. Mostly because I really wish that I could go home right now and sleep. Or reading New Moon. But instead I am sitting being in self hatred mode.

This morning WBK called me at 6 am to see if I was up and of course I wasn't. Then he called me at about 7 to see if I was up and I actually answered this time. He then said that he wanted to take me to lunch! I said that I would love that (which I actually would). But then I told him that I would have to cover DramaQueenWannaB. And since she can be the most selfish person I've ever met, I would have to work around her schedule. So I told him I would call. So anyway, I sent an email to her and asked if that was okay. Her only response was why did I cc someone that wasn't here (her boss, my big boss). I said that I had forgot that he was gone, which I had, but mostly I was cc-ing him because I want him to see how uncooperative she is. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. Nonetheless, she hasn't answered me. Which now is fine since I can't get a hold of WBK. I have called and text him! It makes me mad because I am sure that he is asleep again. I totally hate how I can't depend on him sometimes. I am really stressed and I need just a mental health day where I sleep in and do nothing. But I can't have one of those for the rest of the year because of England. I almost don't care if I go into the negatives at this point. I am ready to go home.

And no one really seems to be helping me. I reach out for help and people just are like whatever. I know that's mostly because it seems like I am just complaining. But I do feel overwhelming tired, which gives me the feel that I am going to cry. And I do feel very very drugged. I know that is because my Chantix dosage just went up! I also know that I feel fine in a few days. I will get over the side effects. But I doubt I will get over the overwhelming fact that I just want to go to sleep right now...I don't care about a few days from now or anything...sleep is what I crave...

So today...it's only 10 o'clock and I am bored out of my mind. I wish someone would just tell me to go home. That is my dream right now...my bed!! I am on Chantix, which is a stop smoking pill. For the first week you smoke and then you try and stop. I am "trying" to stop tomorrow. But back to my point. It makes you tried all day and then doesn't let you sleep at night. It's horrible.

I feel really sicky today, but mostly because I am tired! I have an overwhelming sense of guilt, loneliness and self hatred. I am not quite sure why. I think it's mostly because I'm PMSing and on this Chantix stuff. My temper is really getting the better of me lately. I'm very intense and feel like my heart is going to explode sometime. I sometimes wish it would! Not to die, but to be on bed rest or something. I really just need a nothing day, but that doesn't seem likely anytime soon. I think WBK and I have plans all weekend. But I am not sure if they are finalized.

I am reading Twilight...which of course I said I would never do. But nonetheless it's not that bad. I am actually getting to the good parts and can't wait to read more. I fortunately have not seen the movie, so I really have no idea what is going to happen. That's the way I like it. I love being able to get excited about books. And if this has a wonderful ending I am going to read the next one as well. I am hoping to finish this one before England. And since I have like two weeks and less than half the book left. I am sure I will be fine. I kind of wish that was what I was doing right now. Just home in my room reading with my boy right next to me. It makes me happy to be around him...

That reminds me...sometimes I feel like I need him around, rather than wanting him around. I feel like I am becoming dependent on him. He sleeps over everynight and he is the one that wakes me up in the morning. I am nervous that I am becoming too much for him (do you see my self hatred coming out?). I am worried that one day soon he will realize that I am such a failure at life. Then he will find someone better than me (which wouldn't be hard). I tell him that I miss him and he says that he misses me...but I worry that he prefers time away from me. I know that sometimes I would just like time to myself. Away from my roommates and him, but that doesn't happen often. And to be truthful, we spend all the weekdays apart. I am at work and he is looking for jobs and running errands.

I'm also really worried because he didn't go to church last night and I feel like that all my fault. Although I haven't been to the gym in forever and I know that's not his fault, it's my own. But this is my self doubt coming up hard core. I just need to stop thinking about all the negatives things that could happen and focus on the positive things that are happening. I believe that he does truly like me. But I am nervous that I am going to smother him with my feelings. I feel like he is too good for me. He is always nice to me (even when he is moody). And honestly I don't know why...see this me thinking again. I really need to just calm down and be happy that right now he is with me. You always lose when you play the "what if" game.

I'm so done!!

I am sure that I have said this often in my posts...that I am just done. But like before I really don't know what I am done with. I mean it would be nice to go to sleep without crying for 30 minutes. There are many reasons why I cry. I told WBK my deepest darkest secret which I have ony admitted out loud, twice before. He wasn't mad or shocked (or at least he didn't saw it). But he really wants me to work on it in therapy. But I haven't even told my therapist. I mean I have told psychological people. But not my thereapist, but I am sure she knows.



Then there is this whole shit with BasementRoommate. And with talking to my therapist and looking at it from a different presepective, I realize that she's not a bitch. Because a bitch would only do something once. But this chick is going overboard, therefore she might be sick. Like seriously ill. Normal people (who don't exist, but you know what I mean) don't keep doing this shit over and over. I mean she has turn almost every utility off and taken shit that isn't hers. Then calls and bitches (usually) me out about something that I can't control. I just done with her. But the surprising thing is, that we always counter act whatever she does. She or someone else she let into the house, took the kitchen table. And last night, we got a better one from my parents. It's a lot nicer and bigger...and it just looks better. Everything she had taken we have replaces within a week. She took her pots and pans (which were hers even though she never cooks). Before she could even take them out the kitchen we had new ones. She took all the glass and I replaced them by that weekend. And all of this has cost us nothing. I guess people are just giving away stuff.



Then there is work. I go to work get away from the drama of the house. I hate people being rude and ungrateful. So I go to work, where I am HR so they kind of can't be rude and the gratitude comes from the pay check. Well there is drama nonetheless. This girl who I am sure I have talked about but don't remember what I called her. So name now is DramaQueenWannab. She yelled at her boss today. And thinks its okay. I mean I can't believe she still works here. I just don't get it. She always refuses to do things for everyone and then acts surprised when no one gives her work. She gets very defensive when people tell her how to improve or just tell her how it is. I almost hope she gets fired. It would make my life a lot easier. Because then I would that I had to do something. Now she tells me like 5 minutes before something is going to happen that I need to do it. I fucking hate it.

BOTTOM LINE: the next person to bitch at me...well they will get a Liz Meader Beat Down and have no choice but to like it

"When you share a sorrow it is halfed. When you share a joy it is doubled"

So long time since I've written on here. I like to say it's because I am really busy. But I have time. So what's going on with me...

Well my awesome house that I moved into is not so awesome. I mean the house for the most part is fine. And two of the roommates are fine. But it has gotten messy. The house is just old and the landlord just doesn't seem to care. And the BasementRoommate being childish about something. I could tell you but it might be too much for my first blog back. Bottom Line: People are lot more crazy than I am! And I didn't know that.

Then there is FridaysFriend. She is suicidal. She has tried to kill herself 4 time in about 4 weeks. I am so angry, but sad. But then I want to kill her myself and then save her. I hate it!! I have cried so many time and it makes me so sad. I want to know why she thinks she can do this to me. And I know that it is not to me, but it feels that way sometimes. I talk to her a lot about it. And make sure the right people know what's going on with her. I'm angry at her parent too! They don't hospitalize her enough. She has only been hospitalized once and the last time she tried to kill herself, she took downers and should have gone to the hospital. I don't know what stupid therapist they talked to said not to take her, but they didn't. I then asked my therapist why they would say that and she said that she doesn't have a medical degree so she doesn't know. Her parents are in such denial and it makes me sad for her because she might die because of their denial. I gave her the link to this so I hope she read it.

Then there is a guy, who I would love to spend the rest of my life with. We will call him WBK. I love him so much! Right now he is sleeping on my bed. He said that he hates sleeping past 9:30 am and it is now. I kind of just want to wake him up. But at the same time he looks so cute sleeping. Sometimes he snores so loud that he wakes himself up. It makes me laugh. I don't mind it at all.

So he is looking for a job....and I know someone works at Verizon and was wondering if there are any job openings...He had a security clearence, so he could get one again. He's not an engineer or anything...but any job will do.

I love you all!