Anxiety CAN kill me

I am so excited about moving out! But I have a lot of questions and it makes me anxious that they are going to say no. I sent the question to my friend today so that she can talk about it with her husband before I get there. It's like I want to get the ball rolling. I would seriously consider giving them some money so they will hold a room for me.

I am almost obsessing about moving out. I can't really think of anything else. I have to go somewhere else now. Talk to you later.

Moving Out

I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!! Surprisingly my parents are being very helpful. My mom has asked some people at work if they have anything for me because all of their children are grown. I know that I have a TV and a sofa. Those are both important things for me to have.

Now all I need is a bed. I will helpfully get the master bedroom at the house I am moving into. That way I can have my own bathroom. I will hopefully moving in the beginning of April. I realize that April 1st is a Wednesday and I doubt that I can move in then, especailly with class. But I could move in the weekend before or the weekend after.

It's kind of rough moving into a house, because I have no furniture. I really want a new bed but mattresses are so expensive. The cheaper ones look so uncomforable. But the ones I want are like $200-$300. That is really expensive to a poor lowly admin!

February 22nd

I feel that this will be a very uneventual day. I am already bored and I've only been at work for a few hours.

My mom got back from London yesterday. It was nice to see her. I know that I am 22, but I really do miss the little things that she does for me. Like putting out my coffee cup in the morning. Not that is a hard thing for me to do in the morning, but it's nice.

So ShortGirl is not back with her husband. They are doing a trail separation. Its seems logical to me. But I guess not to him. He refused to take her back and then cried when she packed up her stuff. It just seems very weird to me. How can you be upset with someone who is just doing what is needed. I guess in the end he said he would try to stop drinking for her. He said he would try to do AA. I think this is a good positive step but maybe he won't go. And it will be hard to know from NYC.

Nothing more interesting to say.

My Life is Uneventful

I did go to the gym last night, but I really didn't want to. Then I got home and ate pizza. This morning for my snack I had two twinckies. So all the calories and fat I worked off (if any), I have now put back into my body.

I had a novel idea today. Instead of leaving early on Fridays I could come in late. By late I would probably mean like 9:30 or 10. That way I could work out in the morning. I have a long standing every Friday night plan with FridayFriend. We go to Fridays! Then we go shopping. We call it Fridays on Friday or Friday at Fridays. It just depends. And really we have only missed a few over the year that we have done it. Sometimes we have other plan or we get sick. But then we usually make it up later on in the weekend.

I am kind of excited about tonight. I feel good (well at least right now). I feel like I should go to the gym, but that would mean that I went Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thrusday and Friday. Which is crazy! I always said that I would take Wednesday and Fridays off. And if I had a late night on either Friday or Saturday that I wouldn't go the next day. I usually don't have late night though. I do when I am reading.

Speaking of reading I read Dead Until Dark. I loved it! I was kind of not that interested in reading at first. Then after the first few chapters, I couldn't put it down. It had a little bit of everything: sex, mystery, murder, romance, love, hate, supernatural etc etc. I can't wait to read the rest of the series. But right now I am reading Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which is also a series. I heard that the movie is not that great. But I love the book! It's like I feel her pain. Then I am going to read He's Just Not That into You. Which also happens to be a movie. I loved the movie but everyone says the book is better. So I am excited for that. Then I am going to on a shopping spree and get all the other books in the Dead Until Dark series. Then I will get the rest of the Confession of a Shopaholic series. I can't wait. I actually should buy them one at a time (which is what I am sure I will end up doing).

Other than that stuff and work, there's not much going on. I have a hysterical story about work. Email me and I will tell you!

My Schedule for Today

I have a plan for today...which may not happen but at least I have a plan.

I am here at work and I decided that I will leave a 4:30 since I got here at 7:45. Then I am going to go home and do my hair. I will get ready for tomorrow (lunch, clothes, etc). Then I am going to head to the gym. I feel like I really need to go because I talked to my mom this morning.

My aunt, cousin and mom got to London at 2 am EST, which was 7 am GMT. They can not check into their hotel until 3 pm GMT. So when I talked to my mom they were at my cousin's flat. Her husband did some really nice things for her. Like he left out her engagement ring (which they had been fighting over), he cleaned the flat, and laid out her mail. This made my cousin think that he was a really great guy that she didn't want to let go of if there was something to save. I can't believe it! I told her that her marriage was over even if she went back to him. I also told her that he would be nice to her in front of my mom and aunt. And in the end she would feel that it was easier just to stay with him. But did she listen to me? No!

My mom keeps telling me that it's not my place to decide about their marriage. I of course know that. But at the same time I know my cousin...and whatever easiest is what she is going to do. It's ridicuous. He may have done a few nice things for her, but in the end he said some really mean stuff to her as well. I feel that the bad words out weigh the good actions. And God only know what will happen when they see each other in a few days (I think they are meeting on Friday).

If I could say anything to my cousin right now it would be:

"Look, you are being a lustful wife! You told me that you wanted to leave him. You said you felt bad about doing it too. But in the end you said that he needs to stop drinking for you to go back to him. And has he? Has he said that he will stop drinking? I doubt it. ShortGirl, it's over! A few nice things that a husband should do for his wife anyways, does not out weigh the fact that he said that he would resent you for the rest of his life if he stopped drinking. Or the fact that he said that he was not sexually attracted to you anymore. Like I told you at the resturant, it may be easier to go back to him, but in the end we will end up right back here in maybe a few weeks, or maybe a few years. But in the end the marriage is over. He did not fight for you to come back. He never even said come back. All he said was 'I wish you would reconsider!' And you have considered everything. Weighed the pros and cons and in the end you found him coming up short. So go back to him if you really love him, but not because it's easier! It's not worth it."

*

"I remember what you were like in NYC. And I never want to see you back there again. You are better than that! Plus you are like 5 levels above him on the hottness scale. I love you and support whatever decision you make. But like I said when you were here, you have to call me and explain why you are staying yourself. And if it irrational, I will let you know. And if it a rational reason, then stay."

*

But of course she might flip out if I say this to her. But the more I think about it, the more I will want to say it. I am kind of at a lose of what to do. Hence why I will go to the gym and work my ass off to clear my head. And hopefully either give me the strength to not send it or give me the strength to send it. I just don't know what to do.

*

I realize that people have to make their own mistakes. But this is pretty big mistake to make to me. She hated London. She had no social life. She wasn't happy! And your husband didn't make it better. In fact, he made it worse. I just don't know what to do!

I Lie to Myself More Than Anyone Else

While I was smoking my after lunch cigarette, I thought "I really don't want to go to class tonight! I wish I could go to the gym instead!" Then I realize that's not true. I just want to go home and get in my pj's and watch American Idol.

I realize I do that a lot. I think about what I wish I could be doing right now instead of being at work doing nothing. I came up with all sorts of things. Like getting my bills in order or looking for a place to live or looking for another job just in case I get laid off. But actually none of those are true. If I was not a work right now, I would probably be home watching crap TV.

I also was telling myself how much I am going to miss my mom. But chances are that if she was home, I wouldn't see her. Especially on Wednesdays when I have class until 10 pm. She would be in bed before I got home and she is out of the house by 5:15 am to go to work. Maybe I would see her tomorrow night. But even then I might be mad at her.

I also tell myself that I either really hate my job or I really love my job. But truthfully neither is true. My job is just something I do during the week. I don't really care about it. If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow. And even if it doesn't get done by me, it will get done by someone else.

I also realize how antisocial I am. I hate leaving work to go to lunch. I always tell myself it's because I am hourly and then when I get to be salary it will be different. But I know that's not true. I will still have to work 40 hours a week and do what I need to do. The only difference will be that I don't have a hard stop on Friday's. I will be able to stay until 5. Which will frankly blows. I love getting out of work early on Fridays. It makes me really happy.

I also think that I am not judgement at all. But that's not true either. I either love people or I hate them. When I hate them, I can be really mean about them. Like for a few days, I have been hating on one of my closest friend FridaysFriend. I been saying things that are true, but it's not like I don't have things about myself that people can be mean about. And last night I found out that FridayMom, is having heart surgery on Wednesday. I mean everyone knew this would happen eventually but not when she is 50!! But now I feel all guilt about everything that I have said about FridaysFriend. I really need to be there for her right now. And I will be. But I was very judgemental.

England

It took me especially long to get into work today. I know that I left about 30 minutes later than I usually do, but it must have been all the snow and everything. I felt like I was at this one light for 20 minutes.

*

Today my family and my mom leaves for England. I am happy and sad. I am happy that they are leaving because I miss my routines and my bathroom to myself. But I am sad because my mom is leaving. I am always sad when my mom goes to England. I don't really know why. I mean I do...kind of. That was the first time I flipped out. Or at least that was the first time everyone noticed that I was really sick. So it's anxiety provoking! I know that she will have a wonderful time though. I know that she really really want to see LondonCousin. My mom is her Godmother. And of course we hardly ever see them because of the distance.

*

I am kind of sad that ShortGirl is going. She is like the big sister that I never had. I mean she and I do a lot together. We motativate each other to go to the gym. Like yesterday, I really didn't want to go but she really did so we went. It was actually not a good workout but it was better than nothing. And now I have a smoking buddy. My real sister was my smoking buddy before she went to college, but since she is gone it has only been me.

*

I won't miss all the stuff that FavoriteAuntie and ShortGirl use. It's crazy how much stuff we have gone through since they have been here. Thankfully they didn't like my shampoo and conditioner. But the amount of toliet paper and paper towels and food that we have gone through. I can't believe that at one time my brother and sister lived with us too. When it's just my parent and me, we run the dishwasher like everyother day. But now we have been having to run it everyday.

*

And I definitately won't miss the fighting that goes on. ShortGirl is always on the phone and no matter who she is talking to, there is a fight. It's like she wants to get into a fight or something. I am definitately not one for fighting. I feel like you don't get anything done other than get mad at the other person. Which I feel is stupid

*

I will miss FavoriteAuntie telling me how much I am helping ShortGirl and her. She pretty much tells me everyday. I think it's reason it works out is due to my age. ShortGirl and I are pretty close in age so I can tell her she is being irrational in a way that she will understand. I always can tell her honestly what I think about what she is doing without her getting mad at me. Because I've been through similar situations and know what should be said. I always say it in a way that doesn't offend her. Because I know what offended me when I was going through hell.

*

I know that my dad and I will have a good time without my mom. We always seem to get closer when she leaves. We watch crappy TV together and laugh about all the stupid things that happen on the show. Like right now our favorite show is American Idol. It's always fun to watch how stupid people are on the show, especially the judges. We alway have fun making dinner together. We pretty much like the same kinds of food and we make it in the way that we like. Our favorite meal is homemade hamburgers. I don't know why but they sometimes taste better than 5 Guys. And we never use buns. We always use toast, which makes it significantly better.

*

I am sure that my mom will have a good time and I know that ShortGirl won't. I am expecting a lot of calls from everyone when they are in England. Which I don't really mind because then I can tell them what English Chocolates they have to bring me back.