I Hate Moving Funiture

My anxiety level is very high today. I would say I don't know the reason, but I semi-understand what is going on...

My mum called my work today and said we were moving funiture. And that WBK had to help! Then I went to the bathroom and while I was gone she left me a message changing the plan!! I am a planning! I plan every second of my life. I follow that plan to the end. I am a little OCD about it. I had a plan for this afternoon. I was going to go home and then go the bank. Then I would continue to read New Moon. Then probably nap before FridaysFriend came over. BUT NO!! My sister is moving tomorrow and my mum wants to get everything done by the time my dad get off of work. I guess he's stressed out or something. Maybe as stressed out as I am that my mum changed my plans.

But this situation doesn't for all the anxiety I am feeling. WBK and I got into a fight last night. I want to say it was a stupid fight, but it wasn't. I really wanted him to understand the way I feel about something. I mean I shouldn't have said it how I did, but nonetheless I meant what I said. By the time I was going to sleep we were fine. So how does that stress me out? Maybe it's guilt! It certainly wouldn't be the first time that I had some much guilt that I felt anxious.

Another possibility is that time is going by so slow. I feel like I have been here for hours, but I've only been here for 2! I really hate when that happens! But the problem with this being the reason I am so anxious, can't quit be true. Because when I am extremely anxious, time goes by so slow. I mean 15 minutes can feel like 3 hours. It is especially true when I have somewhere to be. And I kind of have somewhere to be. I really want to get this moving funiture thing over with, so I have to be at my mum's house. I wish I could just say no! But I can't

I am feeling really dizzy right now...talk to you later

What the hell happened?

This morning I wrote a post about how pissed off I was and how much I hated myself. But it is gone! What the hell did I do? And can I do it every time I feel that way....so lets follow my day.

Well I finished the blogging. I talked to MasterBedroom and she was just being cool about the whole thing with WBK. She said that she understood. Then I eat lunch at my desk. Then instead of smoking I read New Moon for ten minutes outside. Then WBK called and that certainly made me happy. He said that he was sleeping and that he was sorry. He asked if we could do it tomorrow and I said no because I get off so early. Then I said that we could definitately do it next week. Especailly since I am going to England soon. Then I worked a bit. Then I sat around for like 45 minutes. Then I packed up the office supplies. Then I got back on the computer.

I could just say that it was WBK, but I doubt that he really has that much influence on how I feel at work. I hate this job sometimes. The people can be awesome. But they can also suck. So he could tell me he loved me a thousand times I would still be pissed at someone in my office. So maybe it was the fact that physically did something. Rather than typing on this stupid blog that no one reads, I got up out of my chair and moved the office supplies. I mean it wasn't hard or anything. But I feel happy! At least for now :)

Drinking Bad Coffee and Craving a Smoke

Yeah, its that time again! I need to bitch! I am quitting smoking so my emotions are more extreme then usual. So I might need to scream in a minutes...

So first, I finished Twilight the other night! I went out yesterday and got New Moon (which I always think of as Blue Moon, which is a beer). And I am not even half way through and I have cried. For those of you who haven't read it, Edward leaves...and I have an irrational fear of adondoment. I've had this my whole life, so by now you would think I was use to it, but of course not. So anyways, this book is certainly playing with my fears . Then WBK left last night because he couldn't sleep and kept waking me up. I mean I was grateful that I could finally sleep, but at the same time I woke up to no one. I don't want to say I am mad, I am sad that this is the 4th time this has happened. I don't really understand what I can do. I know that he couldn't sleep, but it's his own fault. He has a totally fucked up sleep schedule since he quit this job. I mean some days he sleeps til 1 pm and other times he gets up at 6 am. I really don't know how to help him. Mostly because I really wish that I could go home right now and sleep. Or reading New Moon. But instead I am sitting being in self hatred mode.

This morning WBK called me at 6 am to see if I was up and of course I wasn't. Then he called me at about 7 to see if I was up and I actually answered this time. He then said that he wanted to take me to lunch! I said that I would love that (which I actually would). But then I told him that I would have to cover DramaQueenWannaB. And since she can be the most selfish person I've ever met, I would have to work around her schedule. So I told him I would call. So anyway, I sent an email to her and asked if that was okay. Her only response was why did I cc someone that wasn't here (her boss, my big boss). I said that I had forgot that he was gone, which I had, but mostly I was cc-ing him because I want him to see how uncooperative she is. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. Nonetheless, she hasn't answered me. Which now is fine since I can't get a hold of WBK. I have called and text him! It makes me mad because I am sure that he is asleep again. I totally hate how I can't depend on him sometimes. I am really stressed and I need just a mental health day where I sleep in and do nothing. But I can't have one of those for the rest of the year because of England. I almost don't care if I go into the negatives at this point. I am ready to go home.

And no one really seems to be helping me. I reach out for help and people just are like whatever. I know that's mostly because it seems like I am just complaining. But I do feel overwhelming tired, which gives me the feel that I am going to cry. And I do feel very very drugged. I know that is because my Chantix dosage just went up! I also know that I feel fine in a few days. I will get over the side effects. But I doubt I will get over the overwhelming fact that I just want to go to sleep right now...I don't care about a few days from now or anything...sleep is what I crave...

So today...it's only 10 o'clock and I am bored out of my mind. I wish someone would just tell me to go home. That is my dream right now...my bed!! I am on Chantix, which is a stop smoking pill. For the first week you smoke and then you try and stop. I am "trying" to stop tomorrow. But back to my point. It makes you tried all day and then doesn't let you sleep at night. It's horrible.

I feel really sicky today, but mostly because I am tired! I have an overwhelming sense of guilt, loneliness and self hatred. I am not quite sure why. I think it's mostly because I'm PMSing and on this Chantix stuff. My temper is really getting the better of me lately. I'm very intense and feel like my heart is going to explode sometime. I sometimes wish it would! Not to die, but to be on bed rest or something. I really just need a nothing day, but that doesn't seem likely anytime soon. I think WBK and I have plans all weekend. But I am not sure if they are finalized.

I am reading Twilight...which of course I said I would never do. But nonetheless it's not that bad. I am actually getting to the good parts and can't wait to read more. I fortunately have not seen the movie, so I really have no idea what is going to happen. That's the way I like it. I love being able to get excited about books. And if this has a wonderful ending I am going to read the next one as well. I am hoping to finish this one before England. And since I have like two weeks and less than half the book left. I am sure I will be fine. I kind of wish that was what I was doing right now. Just home in my room reading with my boy right next to me. It makes me happy to be around him...

That reminds me...sometimes I feel like I need him around, rather than wanting him around. I feel like I am becoming dependent on him. He sleeps over everynight and he is the one that wakes me up in the morning. I am nervous that I am becoming too much for him (do you see my self hatred coming out?). I am worried that one day soon he will realize that I am such a failure at life. Then he will find someone better than me (which wouldn't be hard). I tell him that I miss him and he says that he misses me...but I worry that he prefers time away from me. I know that sometimes I would just like time to myself. Away from my roommates and him, but that doesn't happen often. And to be truthful, we spend all the weekdays apart. I am at work and he is looking for jobs and running errands.

I'm also really worried because he didn't go to church last night and I feel like that all my fault. Although I haven't been to the gym in forever and I know that's not his fault, it's my own. But this is my self doubt coming up hard core. I just need to stop thinking about all the negatives things that could happen and focus on the positive things that are happening. I believe that he does truly like me. But I am nervous that I am going to smother him with my feelings. I feel like he is too good for me. He is always nice to me (even when he is moody). And honestly I don't know why...see this me thinking again. I really need to just calm down and be happy that right now he is with me. You always lose when you play the "what if" game.

Today is Friday July 24th

I am so happy it's Friday. I am doing Fridays on Fridays with FridaysFriend! I'm really happy, but since I am poor, I am nervous! I think it's her turn to pay, but I am not sure. Well I have a lot to talk about but unfortunately I have to work and have a meeting!! I really hate All Hands Meetings because they are way too long and people are very ungrateful for how much DramaQueenWannab do. People don't realize that I just send an hour setting up everything. Then I have to remind people that there is a meeting. Then they will get their slow asses upstairs to new place. And I have to clean up after them...f my life!

Just a bunch of Superficial Bullshit

I don't understand why people get so mad at me sometimes. I mean I get mad at people and they get mad at me in return. But what I don't understand is, how people can be mad when I have no sense of anger. I am emotionally and physically drained from what's been going on lately. I have been yelled, called a lyer and just been overwhelmed dealing with other people's superficial bullshit. And it's everywhere. I am not one to believe in conspiracies, but it's like all the people in my life and surroundings just decided to go crazy.

For the most part I am handling it well. I mean no extremes with me. I mean emotionally I am at extremes, but with my cutting I am good. I haven't tried to kill myself or anything. But I have been used "I wish I could just kill myself" line often. I don't mean it (at least I don't think I mean it). But it scares people and they get all nervous. And WBK yells at me...I mean not like mad yelling, but like the whole "Never ever EVER say that." What it really is old behavior. I want to go back to the past (which wasn't that good), to be away from all this new stress. I can handle the old stress because I have dealt with it my whole life. This new shit is just crazy.

The amount of times I have just deleted nasty voicemails has gone up 100%. Mostly because I never ever did that. I would listen to what they had to say. I would want to make sure I am being rational, but now I know that what I am doing is best for me. And I always so "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them!" What I really mean to say is "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!" I don't feel like deleting a viocemail is hurtful to anyone. I mean I would delete it after I listened to it right? So I just don't need to hear some bitch (and yes it's always females) going off about how much I suck. And God damn if I hear one more time "You make me...." I had a long conversation with WBK about I don't make you do shit. You do it yourself.

This is the point where I wish everyone had gone to therapy. You can't make people do anything. They will do themselves. Someone might feel mad, angry, pissed off because of something I did or said. But I didn't make them that feel or do anything. I wish I had that power. I would make people pay the fucking bills on time or just shut the fuck up sometimes. How awesome would that be? Being able to control people? Damn I would do it all the time. It's surprising that people don't realize this. I want to be like "Hell yeah, give me your will power! But if I had it you dumbass I wouldn't make you mad or whatever. I would make you clean the house or patch things up with so-and-so."

So yeah! I am trying to quit smoking again (for the 20th time). I am on Chantix or whatever its called. So I smoke for a week and then I stop (or as it goes try to smoke). I am happy yet nervous yet ready. I mean when I wake up in the morning, it hard core coughing. And I feel my lungs just totally sucking. I really need to start exercising again. I haven't gone in at least a month. I want WBK to join with me at the gym, but since un-employment doesn't pay well (but mummy and daddy do), he can't really afford it. Which sucks, but is a great reason not to go to the gym!

I'm so done!!

I am sure that I have said this often in my posts...that I am just done. But like before I really don't know what I am done with. I mean it would be nice to go to sleep without crying for 30 minutes. There are many reasons why I cry. I told WBK my deepest darkest secret which I have ony admitted out loud, twice before. He wasn't mad or shocked (or at least he didn't saw it). But he really wants me to work on it in therapy. But I haven't even told my therapist. I mean I have told psychological people. But not my thereapist, but I am sure she knows.



Then there is this whole shit with BasementRoommate. And with talking to my therapist and looking at it from a different presepective, I realize that she's not a bitch. Because a bitch would only do something once. But this chick is going overboard, therefore she might be sick. Like seriously ill. Normal people (who don't exist, but you know what I mean) don't keep doing this shit over and over. I mean she has turn almost every utility off and taken shit that isn't hers. Then calls and bitches (usually) me out about something that I can't control. I just done with her. But the surprising thing is, that we always counter act whatever she does. She or someone else she let into the house, took the kitchen table. And last night, we got a better one from my parents. It's a lot nicer and bigger...and it just looks better. Everything she had taken we have replaces within a week. She took her pots and pans (which were hers even though she never cooks). Before she could even take them out the kitchen we had new ones. She took all the glass and I replaced them by that weekend. And all of this has cost us nothing. I guess people are just giving away stuff.



Then there is work. I go to work get away from the drama of the house. I hate people being rude and ungrateful. So I go to work, where I am HR so they kind of can't be rude and the gratitude comes from the pay check. Well there is drama nonetheless. This girl who I am sure I have talked about but don't remember what I called her. So name now is DramaQueenWannab. She yelled at her boss today. And thinks its okay. I mean I can't believe she still works here. I just don't get it. She always refuses to do things for everyone and then acts surprised when no one gives her work. She gets very defensive when people tell her how to improve or just tell her how it is. I almost hope she gets fired. It would make my life a lot easier. Because then I would that I had to do something. Now she tells me like 5 minutes before something is going to happen that I need to do it. I fucking hate it.

BOTTOM LINE: the next person to bitch at me...well they will get a Liz Meader Beat Down and have no choice but to like it