Just a bunch of Superficial Bullshit

I don't understand why people get so mad at me sometimes. I mean I get mad at people and they get mad at me in return. But what I don't understand is, how people can be mad when I have no sense of anger. I am emotionally and physically drained from what's been going on lately. I have been yelled, called a lyer and just been overwhelmed dealing with other people's superficial bullshit. And it's everywhere. I am not one to believe in conspiracies, but it's like all the people in my life and surroundings just decided to go crazy.

For the most part I am handling it well. I mean no extremes with me. I mean emotionally I am at extremes, but with my cutting I am good. I haven't tried to kill myself or anything. But I have been used "I wish I could just kill myself" line often. I don't mean it (at least I don't think I mean it). But it scares people and they get all nervous. And WBK yells at me...I mean not like mad yelling, but like the whole "Never ever EVER say that." What it really is old behavior. I want to go back to the past (which wasn't that good), to be away from all this new stress. I can handle the old stress because I have dealt with it my whole life. This new shit is just crazy.

The amount of times I have just deleted nasty voicemails has gone up 100%. Mostly because I never ever did that. I would listen to what they had to say. I would want to make sure I am being rational, but now I know that what I am doing is best for me. And I always so "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them!" What I really mean to say is "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!" I don't feel like deleting a viocemail is hurtful to anyone. I mean I would delete it after I listened to it right? So I just don't need to hear some bitch (and yes it's always females) going off about how much I suck. And God damn if I hear one more time "You make me...." I had a long conversation with WBK about I don't make you do shit. You do it yourself.

This is the point where I wish everyone had gone to therapy. You can't make people do anything. They will do themselves. Someone might feel mad, angry, pissed off because of something I did or said. But I didn't make them that feel or do anything. I wish I had that power. I would make people pay the fucking bills on time or just shut the fuck up sometimes. How awesome would that be? Being able to control people? Damn I would do it all the time. It's surprising that people don't realize this. I want to be like "Hell yeah, give me your will power! But if I had it you dumbass I wouldn't make you mad or whatever. I would make you clean the house or patch things up with so-and-so."

So yeah! I am trying to quit smoking again (for the 20th time). I am on Chantix or whatever its called. So I smoke for a week and then I stop (or as it goes try to smoke). I am happy yet nervous yet ready. I mean when I wake up in the morning, it hard core coughing. And I feel my lungs just totally sucking. I really need to start exercising again. I haven't gone in at least a month. I want WBK to join with me at the gym, but since un-employment doesn't pay well (but mummy and daddy do), he can't really afford it. Which sucks, but is a great reason not to go to the gym!

Midday Bitch

I am so bored at school right now! I know that I have to do homework with OMGMyBoyfriend this afternoon, but I am not really in the mood. Thrusday is my no homework day...but whatever.

I was in the bookstore today and was looking at the psychology books because I am doing a project on the Histroy of Hysteria and its Treatment. I just want to see if there was anything interesting, but there wasn't anything for my project. I did however see a book about cutting. I have always had a thing for cutting...not just doing it, but learning about it. But sadly I felt embarassed because someone might see me! I mean who really cares?? Its my interested and not there. Besides the fact that I can't afford it, I feel really stupid about not buying! I know that I am totally lame but I can't help it.

I am really stressed to say the least and my finger really fucking hurts!! I really hate this shit...I am so done!!

PS The picture is NOT what I want to do...it just is

My Monday

So far today has been rather boring. I've been reading everyone's blog and stuff and commenting. I feel sometimes like an idiot though. Like I ask question and people give the answers, but like I don't understand what they are saying. Plus I've been feeling done in the dumps lately. I've been trying to find a blog that is about ex-cutter and shit, but none are out there. All my friends that use to cut don't talk about it. And all the blogs online are about people still cutting. Frankly I don't need that shit...I'm not saying that I'm better than that but I don't want people to "help" me out. I mean everyone needs help sometimes but I don't need people telling how not to cut because I haven't in awhile.

But right now I just need to vent about all the shit thats been going on. I didn't hang out with that guy I talked about because I honestly wasn't feeling well because I was freaking out about having to go to school tomorrow. Now I have to go to school every fucking Tuesday at 9 am. I have to get up at fucking 5:30...but its like whatever...I have to do it. But today was freaking me out because I just don't want to go anymore. I feel like I should be done with school. I am so over school work...especially homework, that is more like busy work.

This one class is freaking me out. First off, the professor has never taught at Mason before, which is fine because that has happened to me twice. But like this dude is completely insane. He can't explain himself at all. Like last class he was telling us how to round and it was a joke. He kept changing his mind and finally after everyone had left he got it "right"! It was over complicated. Then there is a website for Mason that puts all the notes on line, Webct. He has been trying to set it up for three weeks now...its like "Oh my fucking God, its not that hard!!" Then we have a test next Tuesday, but he said we would have all the notes by last Thrusday, so none of us took really good notes. Now since Webct isn't up yet, we are all going to fail the test because our notes suck. I know mine do! Then also for the class, attendence is required...which by Mason policy you can't do that! But he does and fuck it if I am going to go to every single class. I know already one in which I will miss. For Christmas, my sister and I got Spice Girls ticket for a Thrusday night. I can't go to class and make it to the concert in time, so I am just going to miss it. And I know that one night I will be like "I just want to go home!" so I will. FUCK IT!!

As you can tell I am fucking stressed. I am usually like this but right now I am really feeling it. I know its because I feel all depressed about something. I'm not sure what it is, but its probably that I feel stupid about this one thing that I did! Like anyone will remember! But hey whatever! Really what I need is some support from someone who fucking cares

(okay this kind of a woh is me blog...but whatever! You're the one that read the whole thing. so ha!)