Fairy Berry 1986

It's Been Awhile

2010-02-16T13:10:00.003-05:00

I haven't written in a very long time. But once again I have an office job where I can get bored, so my posting will probably increase. Right now I am sitting at work in my office in Tyson Corner. I love my new job. But right now there is just nothing to do. I have training all this week so I am at impasse of work. I don't even talk to half the people that I talked about on this blog. I no longer have a boyfriend. And I live with 4 people instead of 3. But soon it will go back to 3. Then someone else will move it. It's all very confusing and I am not sure I even follow. I have twitter now and I love it. It's the best thing that has ever happened to be. Well better get back to work.

2009-08-12T10:45:00.003-04:00

So I am completely bored again. Mostly because I am having issues with the fact that I am not in England yet. I am done to counting down the hours. Right now I am counting down the hours until I can go home and pack. Then when I can do the online check in. I am at work of course but it is almost painful to be here. I want to be home packing and getting all excited about how awesome my trip is going to be. I only work 4 hours tomorrow, but I know that that 4 hours is going to kill me because I will counting down the minutes until I leave America. I am so ready to be gone.

I have worked my ass off to be able to go on this trip and now I need a break. I am also making plans with everyone. My cousin and I are going out Friday, which happens to be the day I get there. It is definitetly going to be interesting. I of course have a plan on how to stay awake, but God only knows if it will turn out. Usually I am always excited about Fridays, but this week is especially true because it is one week from the wedding, the day I get to England, and I am actually going out! It's hard to sit still when I want to decide what I am going to wear.

Well I collected my suit case from my parent's house. I am really excited! And of course it is huge. I am hoping that there will be a lot of extra room in it so I can bring stuff back. I have more money than I expected. So that makes me happy. I can actually buy gifts. Of course I am buying gifts for my roommates, WBK, FridaysFriends and then a co-worker. I definitely believe that will be it. I don't have to buy for my family because they will be there. I'm sure that I will send a postcard to my brother and his girlfriend. That will have to do for him. And the next time I see him will be in October so I wouln't want to buy him something and then wait til October to give it to him.

I can't wait to start packing. I am getting a little ridicioulus on what I want to bring though. I have thinking about all the shoes I want to bring, but really I don't have room for them (going with my plan to have extra room). And the amount of clothes I have bring is insane as well. With my mum's family I will go through at least two outfits a day. Now my Auntie Sa does laundry every day so I could really just let her do my laundry, but I don't really want her to. I can certainly do my own. I know that it would make her happy if I gave her laundry to do, but nonetheless I feel like I shouldn't make her. Especially since her son is getting married in a week! I have to bring dresses to go out in, jeans to go sight seeing in, and all sorts of sweaters. It will only be in the 60's when I am there. Today it hit a high of 70 though. But since I will be leaving my favorite 80+ degree weather, 70 is going to feel freezing. My mum wants me to bring my swim suit. I honestly thought she was joking but of course she wasn't. I doubt that I will wear it.

I am also stressing about picking up some meds from the doctors. They gave me two weeks worth when I was down to zero. So I have to go back and yell at them! Well not yell, they said it would be ready this afternoon, so I can go after work. But I really want to pack.

I am seriously insanely insane today. I can't think about anything else but England. I have an awesome meeting at 3 but I can't think about it! I just want to be in England. Is it time to go yet?

The boredum is overwhelming

2009-08-11T13:06:00.002-04:00

I'm at work and all I can think about is England. I wish I was there right now. Or at least at home getting stuff done for England. I feel like I have so much to do, but truly it's not that much. I have to pack and paint my toe nails. That's about it. But I guess to pack I have to have a suit case and decide what I am going to bring. Everytime I look at a dress in my closet, I throw it on the pile of stuff I am going to pack. It's kind of amazing the amount of clothes that I think I will need. I mean I am only going for 13 days. And two of those days I can where the same thing.

Work is super slow because of the move. I thought that I would be unpacking for days and today is really my last day. But I did everything I needed to do so that I could leave on Thursday. I am leaving work at noon. And then probably doing a few things before going to the airport. I can't stand it anymore. It almost seems like a waste for me to be at work. I am not getting anything done. If I had a lot of time to take off, I would. But unfortunately after England, I won't be able to take another day off the entire year. Oh well! England is worth it! Well at least it seems that way.

I am also very tired. I wish I could take a nap. I don't know if because I am physically doing stuff at work or if I am not sleeping well. Or it just could be boredum. If I am not doing anything then I feel tired. I'm extremely hungry. I def believe that is from the physical labor I am experiencing at work. I am also mental far off...I believe that my body believes I am already in England!

I feel like time is passing so slowly. And I know this is due to the fact that I am doing nothing. When I write blogs or chat online, time goes by so quickly, but if I am sitting around waiting for something to happen, I am looking at the clock every two seconds. It's actually become every 30 minutes. I am sure then next time I look at the clock it will be 1:29! It is so obnoxious. I hate it more than I hate being at work. I feel like I have nothing to do. I know that I have a few things that I could be doing, but I just don't care. I should be doing "How to" stuff for the temps that are coming in while I am away. But I feel like nothing will help them. They kind of need to be thrown into the situation. I could make a birthday list...maybe I should do that....we'll see...

I haven't smoked since the 5th. I haven't had time at work to even step outside and smoke. And at home I am happy to just chill. I sometimes feel like I could have a cig (like right now), but that is usually due to boredum or just routine. My routine in the morning use to be to get up and smoke, but now I just get up and sit outside. I am sure that will end soon especially if it rains or it's cold. I know in England that I will just do whatever. In England, you have to smoke outside everywhere (Virginia doesn't have that law yet) and it will only be in the 60's (or the upper teens if you are in metric) the whole time I am there, so coldness doesn't make me want to go outside. I am staying with my Auntie Sas, and she doesn't smoke, my Uncle K might but I am not sure. I believe that LondonCuz doesn't smoke. So that will be good. I know my sister will be smoking but I always see her and I will want to be with my Cuzs. And there significant others! Okay...maybe birthday list time?

Nap, Smoke and Book...sounds good to me

2009-08-05T11:35:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been thinking that my life is kind of boring right now. That all I have to say is really just complaints about my life sucking. But truly my life has become somewhat interesting.

So on last Monday morning. I got to work and was hoping that I didn't have to pack anything. See my office is moving (only upstairs). I have found that I hate packing more than anything else in my life. So anyway, I was reading some blogs that I follow when DramaQueenWannaB come over to bosses office, but she was busy so she talked to me for a bit. Then finally she said "Let go outside." My reaction was of course "I don't smoke anymore." She said "Oh well. Lets just talk then." At that time she told me she was quitting. Her last day is the 14th and I leave for England the afternoon of the 13th. This really sucks! . Then I realized that no one would be at the front desk from the 14th through the 27th. And I also realized that since her boss and my boss are so picky that they probably won't have the temp stay. In fact they haven't decided if they are hiring anyone.

Fortunately, this made me every excited. I finally get to do more with my job. Of couse now it is Tuesday the 11th and I still have time to blog...but nonetheless it is exciting. Fortunately I have unpacked mostly everything that needs unpacking. I think that I have a few boxes left to unpack, but other than that, I am done. I finally get to wear work clothes to work. I been wearing jeans for the past few weeks and it makes me so hot. I go into room that feel like there is no ac and I'm in there until all 15 boxes are unpacked. I just want to go to work and no sweat.

Back to DramaQueenWannaB, she has become a real bitch about everything. She is doesn't want to help with anything. She acts like she is already gone and then gets mad when she is treated like she is already gone. I am kind of sick of her.

On a side note, I really want chocolate!

On to happier things! ENGLAND IS ALMOST HERE! I work a full day today and tomorrow and then a half day on Thursday then I am out of here. I can't wait! But it feels like it is taking forever! I just want to go and be there. So the plan is...that WBK will drop me off at the airport so that I can really say goodbye to him. This should be around 3 even though my flight isn't until 7. My dad is a bit crazy about the whole international flighing situation. We always have to be there really early. Then on the plane I will have some alcoholic drinks so that I pass out. Then once I get to London, I will drink Red Bull (or some other energy drink). Fligh to Newcastle then drink like 10 Red Bulls so that I don't fall asleep. This when then be Friday and I am going out with my sister, cousin and his girlfriend. I am really excited! I can't stand it much longer.

I'm Ready For England

2009-08-04T11:14:00.001-04:00

Is it the 13th yet?

I Hate Moving Funiture

2009-07-31T09:45:00.002-04:00

My anxiety level is very high today. I would say I don't know the reason, but I semi-understand what is going on...

My mum called my work today and said we were moving funiture. And that WBK had to help! Then I went to the bathroom and while I was gone she left me a message changing the plan!! I am a planning! I plan every second of my life. I follow that plan to the end. I am a little OCD about it. I had a plan for this afternoon. I was going to go home and then go the bank. Then I would continue to read New Moon. Then probably nap before FridaysFriend came over. BUT NO!! My sister is moving tomorrow and my mum wants to get everything done by the time my dad get off of work. I guess he's stressed out or something. Maybe as stressed out as I am that my mum changed my plans.

But this situation doesn't for all the anxiety I am feeling. WBK and I got into a fight last night. I want to say it was a stupid fight, but it wasn't. I really wanted him to understand the way I feel about something. I mean I shouldn't have said it how I did, but nonetheless I meant what I said. By the time I was going to sleep we were fine. So how does that stress me out? Maybe it's guilt! It certainly wouldn't be the first time that I had some much guilt that I felt anxious.

Another possibility is that time is going by so slow. I feel like I have been here for hours, but I've only been here for 2! I really hate when that happens! But the problem with this being the reason I am so anxious, can't quit be true. Because when I am extremely anxious, time goes by so slow. I mean 15 minutes can feel like 3 hours. It is especially true when I have somewhere to be. And I kind of have somewhere to be. I really want to get this moving funiture thing over with, so I have to be at my mum's house. I wish I could just say no! But I can't

I am feeling really dizzy right now...talk to you later

What the hell happened?

2009-07-30T13:26:00.002-04:00

This morning I wrote a post about how pissed off I was and how much I hated myself. But it is gone! What the hell did I do? And can I do it every time I feel that way....so lets follow my day.

Well I finished the blogging. I talked to MasterBedroom and she was just being cool about the whole thing with WBK. She said that she understood. Then I eat lunch at my desk. Then instead of smoking I read New Moon for ten minutes outside. Then WBK called and that certainly made me happy. He said that he was sleeping and that he was sorry. He asked if we could do it tomorrow and I said no because I get off so early. Then I said that we could definitately do it next week. Especailly since I am going to England soon. Then I worked a bit. Then I sat around for like 45 minutes. Then I packed up the office supplies. Then I got back on the computer.

I could just say that it was WBK, but I doubt that he really has that much influence on how I feel at work. I hate this job sometimes. The people can be awesome. But they can also suck. So he could tell me he loved me a thousand times I would still be pissed at someone in my office. So maybe it was the fact that physically did something. Rather than typing on this stupid blog that no one reads, I got up out of my chair and moved the office supplies. I mean it wasn't hard or anything. But I feel happy! At least for now :)

Drinking Bad Coffee and Craving a Smoke

2009-07-30T10:00:00.005-04:00

Yeah, its that time again! I need to bitch! I am quitting smoking so my emotions are more extreme then usual. So I might need to scream in a minutes...

So first, I finished Twilight the other night! I went out yesterday and got New Moon (which I always think of as Blue Moon, which is a beer). And I am not even half way through and I have cried. For those of you who haven't read it, Edward leaves...and I have an irrational fear of adondoment. I've had this my whole life, so by now you would think I was use to it, but of course not. So anyways, this book is certainly playing with my fears . Then WBK left last night because he couldn't sleep and kept waking me up. I mean I was grateful that I could finally sleep, but at the same time I woke up to no one. I don't want to say I am mad, I am sad that this is the 4th time this has happened. I don't really understand what I can do. I know that he couldn't sleep, but it's his own fault. He has a totally fucked up sleep schedule since he quit this job. I mean some days he sleeps til 1 pm and other times he gets up at 6 am. I really don't know how to help him. Mostly because I really wish that I could go home right now and sleep. Or reading New Moon. But instead I am sitting being in self hatred mode.

This morning WBK called me at 6 am to see if I was up and of course I wasn't. Then he called me at about 7 to see if I was up and I actually answered this time. He then said that he wanted to take me to lunch! I said that I would love that (which I actually would). But then I told him that I would have to cover DramaQueenWannaB. And since she can be the most selfish person I've ever met, I would have to work around her schedule. So I told him I would call. So anyway, I sent an email to her and asked if that was okay. Her only response was why did I cc someone that wasn't here (her boss, my big boss). I said that I had forgot that he was gone, which I had, but mostly I was cc-ing him because I want him to see how uncooperative she is. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. Nonetheless, she hasn't answered me. Which now is fine since I can't get a hold of WBK. I have called and text him! It makes me mad because I am sure that he is asleep again. I totally hate how I can't depend on him sometimes. I am really stressed and I need just a mental health day where I sleep in and do nothing. But I can't have one of those for the rest of the year because of England. I almost don't care if I go into the negatives at this point. I am ready to go home.

And no one really seems to be helping me. I reach out for help and people just are like whatever. I know that's mostly because it seems like I am just complaining. But I do feel overwhelming tired, which gives me the feel that I am going to cry. And I do feel very very drugged. I know that is because my Chantix dosage just went up! I also know that I feel fine in a few days. I will get over the side effects. But I doubt I will get over the overwhelming fact that I just want to go to sleep right now...I don't care about a few days from now or anything...sleep is what I crave...

2009-07-28T10:04:00.002-04:00

So today...it's only 10 o'clock and I am bored out of my mind. I wish someone would just tell me to go home. That is my dream right now...my bed!! I am on Chantix, which is a stop smoking pill. For the first week you smoke and then you try and stop. I am "trying" to stop tomorrow. But back to my point. It makes you tried all day and then doesn't let you sleep at night. It's horrible.

I feel really sicky today, but mostly because I am tired! I have an overwhelming sense of guilt, loneliness and self hatred. I am not quite sure why. I think it's mostly because I'm PMSing and on this Chantix stuff. My temper is really getting the better of me lately. I'm very intense and feel like my heart is going to explode sometime. I sometimes wish it would! Not to die, but to be on bed rest or something. I really just need a nothing day, but that doesn't seem likely anytime soon. I think WBK and I have plans all weekend. But I am not sure if they are finalized.

I am reading Twilight...which of course I said I would never do. But nonetheless it's not that bad. I am actually getting to the good parts and can't wait to read more. I fortunately have not seen the movie, so I really have no idea what is going to happen. That's the way I like it. I love being able to get excited about books. And if this has a wonderful ending I am going to read the next one as well. I am hoping to finish this one before England. And since I have like two weeks and less than half the book left. I am sure I will be fine. I kind of wish that was what I was doing right now. Just home in my room reading with my boy right next to me. It makes me happy to be around him...

That reminds me...sometimes I feel like I need him around, rather than wanting him around. I feel like I am becoming dependent on him. He sleeps over everynight and he is the one that wakes me up in the morning. I am nervous that I am becoming too much for him (do you see my self hatred coming out?). I am worried that one day soon he will realize that I am such a failure at life. Then he will find someone better than me (which wouldn't be hard). I tell him that I miss him and he says that he misses me...but I worry that he prefers time away from me. I know that sometimes I would just like time to myself. Away from my roommates and him, but that doesn't happen often. And to be truthful, we spend all the weekdays apart. I am at work and he is looking for jobs and running errands.

I'm also really worried because he didn't go to church last night and I feel like that all my fault. Although I haven't been to the gym in forever and I know that's not his fault, it's my own. But this is my self doubt coming up hard core. I just need to stop thinking about all the negatives things that could happen and focus on the positive things that are happening. I believe that he does truly like me. But I am nervous that I am going to smother him with my feelings. I feel like he is too good for me. He is always nice to me (even when he is moody). And honestly I don't know why...see this me thinking again. I really need to just calm down and be happy that right now he is with me. You always lose when you play the "what if" game.

Today is Friday July 24th

2009-07-24T11:12:00.002-04:00

I am so happy it's Friday. I am doing Fridays on Fridays with FridaysFriend! I'm really happy, but since I am poor, I am nervous! I think it's her turn to pay, but I am not sure. Well I have a lot to talk about but unfortunately I have to work and have a meeting!! I really hate All Hands Meetings because they are way too long and people are very ungrateful for how much DramaQueenWannab do. People don't realize that I just send an hour setting up everything. Then I have to remind people that there is a meeting. Then they will get their slow asses upstairs to new place. And I have to clean up after them...f my life!

Just a bunch of Superficial Bullshit

2009-07-23T13:31:00.003-04:00

I don't understand why people get so mad at me sometimes. I mean I get mad at people and they get mad at me in return. But what I don't understand is, how people can be mad when I have no sense of anger. I am emotionally and physically drained from what's been going on lately. I have been yelled, called a lyer and just been overwhelmed dealing with other people's superficial bullshit. And it's everywhere. I am not one to believe in conspiracies, but it's like all the people in my life and surroundings just decided to go crazy.

For the most part I am handling it well. I mean no extremes with me. I mean emotionally I am at extremes, but with my cutting I am good. I haven't tried to kill myself or anything. But I have been used "I wish I could just kill myself" line often. I don't mean it (at least I don't think I mean it). But it scares people and they get all nervous. And WBK yells at me...I mean not like mad yelling, but like the whole "Never ever EVER say that." What it really is old behavior. I want to go back to the past (which wasn't that good), to be away from all this new stress. I can handle the old stress because I have dealt with it my whole life. This new shit is just crazy.

The amount of times I have just deleted nasty voicemails has gone up 100%. Mostly because I never ever did that. I would listen to what they had to say. I would want to make sure I am being rational, but now I know that what I am doing is best for me. And I always so "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them!" What I really mean to say is "You can't blame people for doing what's best for them, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!" I don't feel like deleting a viocemail is hurtful to anyone. I mean I would delete it after I listened to it right? So I just don't need to hear some bitch (and yes it's always females) going off about how much I suck. And God damn if I hear one more time "You make me...." I had a long conversation with WBK about I don't make you do shit. You do it yourself.

This is the point where I wish everyone had gone to therapy. You can't make people do anything. They will do themselves. Someone might feel mad, angry, pissed off because of something I did or said. But I didn't make them that feel or do anything. I wish I had that power. I would make people pay the fucking bills on time or just shut the fuck up sometimes. How awesome would that be? Being able to control people? Damn I would do it all the time. It's surprising that people don't realize this. I want to be like "Hell yeah, give me your will power! But if I had it you dumbass I wouldn't make you mad or whatever. I would make you clean the house or patch things up with so-and-so."

So yeah! I am trying to quit smoking again (for the 20th time). I am on Chantix or whatever its called. So I smoke for a week and then I stop (or as it goes try to smoke). I am happy yet nervous yet ready. I mean when I wake up in the morning, it hard core coughing. And I feel my lungs just totally sucking. I really need to start exercising again. I haven't gone in at least a month. I want WBK to join with me at the gym, but since un-employment doesn't pay well (but mummy and daddy do), he can't really afford it. Which sucks, but is a great reason not to go to the gym!

I'm so done!!

2009-07-23T11:36:00.003-04:00

I am sure that I have said this often in my posts...that I am just done. But like before I really don't know what I am done with. I mean it would be nice to go to sleep without crying for 30 minutes. There are many reasons why I cry. I told WBK my deepest darkest secret which I have ony admitted out loud, twice before. He wasn't mad or shocked (or at least he didn't saw it). But he really wants me to work on it in therapy. But I haven't even told my therapist. I mean I have told psychological people. But not my thereapist, but I am sure she knows.

Then there is this whole shit with BasementRoommate. And with talking to my therapist and looking at it from a different presepective, I realize that she's not a bitch. Because a bitch would only do something once. But this chick is going overboard, therefore she might be sick. Like seriously ill. Normal people (who don't exist, but you know what I mean) don't keep doing this shit over and over. I mean she has turn almost every utility off and taken shit that isn't hers. Then calls and bitches (usually) me out about something that I can't control. I just done with her. But the surprising thing is, that we always counter act whatever she does. She or someone else she let into the house, took the kitchen table. And last night, we got a better one from my parents. It's a lot nicer and bigger...and it just looks better. Everything she had taken we have replaces within a week. She took her pots and pans (which were hers even though she never cooks). Before she could even take them out the kitchen we had new ones. She took all the glass and I replaced them by that weekend. And all of this has cost us nothing. I guess people are just giving away stuff.

Then there is work. I go to work get away from the drama of the house. I hate people being rude and ungrateful. So I go to work, where I am HR so they kind of can't be rude and the gratitude comes from the pay check. Well there is drama nonetheless. This girl who I am sure I have talked about but don't remember what I called her. So name now is DramaQueenWannab. She yelled at her boss today. And thinks its okay. I mean I can't believe she still works here. I just don't get it. She always refuses to do things for everyone and then acts surprised when no one gives her work. She gets very defensive when people tell her how to improve or just tell her how it is. I almost hope she gets fired. It would make my life a lot easier. Because then I would that I had to do something. Now she tells me like 5 minutes before something is going to happen that I need to do it. I fucking hate it.

BOTTOM LINE: the next person to bitch at me...well they will get a Liz Meader Beat Down and have no choice but to like it

Sometimes I just don't understand

2009-07-22T09:22:00.002-04:00

Well the last few days have been interesting. I have gotten into at least two fights with WBK, which makes me up. Then the gas was turned off, so cold showers for last two day. And then my landlord told me that if BasementRoommate tried to sue us, he would love to defend us again her. (He's a lawyer)

WBK told me this morning that I was almost a perfect girlfriend (that makes me a bit nervous) and I would be ever more perfect if I wanted to learn about cars. I told him that I wanted him to teach me everything he knows. He seems very interested and loves it. I wish I was that way about something. I can be about books and series of books. But right now I have no book to read. I promised my cousin I would read Twilight. So I guess that's the next book on this list. But anyway, his face lights up when ever we talk about cars. And I wish I had that. I really only light up when I talk about him. He seriously makes me so happy. Sometimes he just looks at me and makes me feel beautiful.

Today my mum, WBK, and I are picking up a kitchen table, since BasementRoommate took the other one. I honestly don't want to, but I am sure I will be fine later. Really all I want to do is take a hot shower instead of a freezing cold one. And I really want to have sex. It's only been since Sunday, but he really wanted it last night and I would have given it if it wasn't so late.

That's enough for now...A bit bored

I think I might cry

2009-07-13T14:37:00.004-04:00

Today, has been a rough day so far. This morning I wake up late but would have still been to work by 8:30. Until less than a mile away from work my car over heated. Now I would have probably driven all the way to work if this had been 2 weeks ago, but 2 weeks ago I drive like 15 miles while my car was overheating and I broke the radiator. That is now fixed. Back to this morning, I assumed that it must be out of fluid. I call my dad and he comes and puts the antifreeze in. We both look under the car at the same time and it was like a waterfall of anti-freeze. SWEET!! So we call AAA and get a tow and get it to the shop. I'm at work by 10:45. Maybe this seems all fine and shit, but this whole time I am calling people for a ride. WBK spend the night at my house last night and I assumed he would be up by 11, so I kept calling him to see if he could give me a ride home. So he didn't answer and his mailbox was full. So I of course texted him. Finally I gave up on that shit. And have a ride home from FridaysFriend. Then he finally called at like 2 o'clock. NICE

Alright once again if it was only that situation it might seem fine. But last night my BasementRoommate lets some people take stuff from our house. Now technically this stuff isn't mine or any of the other roommates, but technically it's not her's either. I of course was very angry. After a lot of thinking and getting upset, I realized that I had more of a problem with the fact that she didn't tell us. I can't believe how much I want her to move out. I mean I hate change, but it's like hurry up and get the fuck out.

Today, my MasterBedroomRoommate, called the LandLord to see if we could get satille TV, since Verizon only has FiOS in our neighborhood and we were paying almost $200. Maybe I should start from the beginning:
"At our house, each of the roommates has a bill in their name. Mine is power. BasementRoommate is cable. MasterBedroomRoommate is water. And gas is OtherRoommate (not a creative name...I will come up with a different one later). So before all the drama happened (which I still haven't told you about), it was all fine. We paid 1/4 of each bill to the person it was owed. Since the drama has happened, BasementRoommate has become a real bitch about it. If the bill is due on the 22nd, she wants the money on the 21st. Yet she doesn't say that, so we are suppose to read her mind and know. ANYWAY, last cable bill someone ordered "adult entertainment" and a few other movies off ON Demand. I (course of) opened the bill and through a series of phone calls and bitching, found out who got what. So we were clean. SoandSo had to pay the $15. Fine and fine. Since BasementRoommate is not talking to us, I decided not to tell her. Then she took the bill, called Verizon and the cable is being turned off as of the 15th ."
In the course of asking the LandLord about the satielle, MasterBedRoommate, asked about if he had approved the sublease for the BasementRoommate. The LandLord said that he doesn't care as long as we all approve of the replacement. Well that was certainly news to us. However, we had talked about how this should be the case. The LandLord also told MasterBedroomRoommate, that he had told BasementRoommate this. Oh really...interesting! So she has already found a person to replace her, and from what we hear, a few of us are a little nervous. And know we know for a fact, that we can say "Hell no!" But then the problem is that BasementRoommate has to keep living there until we agree on a person. And I have decided to take no responsibility in finding a new roommate! My name is on the lease and I am paying for my room! Maybe that's selfish...but that's life.

My life has been better, but it has certainly been worse!

"When you share a sorrow it is halfed. When you share a joy it is doubled"

2009-07-12T09:09:00.003-04:00

So long time since I've written on here. I like to say it's because I am really busy. But I have time. So what's going on with me...

Well my awesome house that I moved into is not so awesome. I mean the house for the most part is fine. And two of the roommates are fine. But it has gotten messy. The house is just old and the landlord just doesn't seem to care. And the BasementRoommate being childish about something. I could tell you but it might be too much for my first blog back. Bottom Line: People are lot more crazy than I am! And I didn't know that.

Then there is FridaysFriend. She is suicidal. She has tried to kill herself 4 time in about 4 weeks. I am so angry, but sad. But then I want to kill her myself and then save her. I hate it!! I have cried so many time and it makes me so sad. I want to know why she thinks she can do this to me. And I know that it is not to me, but it feels that way sometimes. I talk to her a lot about it. And make sure the right people know what's going on with her. I'm angry at her parent too! They don't hospitalize her enough. She has only been hospitalized once and the last time she tried to kill herself, she took downers and should have gone to the hospital. I don't know what stupid therapist they talked to said not to take her, but they didn't. I then asked my therapist why they would say that and she said that she doesn't have a medical degree so she doesn't know. Her parents are in such denial and it makes me sad for her because she might die because of their denial. I gave her the link to this so I hope she read it.

Then there is a guy, who I would love to spend the rest of my life with. We will call him WBK. I love him so much! Right now he is sleeping on my bed. He said that he hates sleeping past 9:30 am and it is now. I kind of just want to wake him up. But at the same time he looks so cute sleeping. Sometimes he snores so loud that he wakes himself up. It makes me laugh. I don't mind it at all.

So he is looking for a job....and I know someone works at Verizon and was wondering if there are any job openings...He had a security clearence, so he could get one again. He's not an engineer or anything...but any job will do.

I love you all!

Everything is New!

2009-04-05T11:41:00.004-04:00

So here I sit in my new room, in my new house, on my new computer. It is very exciting I can't believe it! YES!!!!!!

The Serenity Prayer

2009-04-02T10:58:00.002-04:00

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I keep saying this over and over it my head. But its not exactly what I need right now. I really to need to "Accept the wisdom to know the difference." I know the difference but I just can't accept it. I have the courage to change the things I can, but the things that I can't is what worrying me more now! I don't know what to do!

Interesting Day

2009-03-30T14:55:00.002-04:00

Today has certainly been an interesting day! And it's only 3 o'clock.

I got to work at my usual time (which is way earlier than it should be). And it my normal Monday morning routine. Then nothing....at all! I mean the rest of the people did their usual stuff...but I looked at my computer for about 4 hours doing nothing.

Then around 1:30 there was some drama with benefits. And it turns out that I've been right the whole time. What the hell? I know I was right and then my boss told I was only kind of right...but nonetheless...I was still right.

Tonight I am going to drop off April's rent! I am so excited! My first rent check!! SWEET!! I can't really believe it.

Now I am bored

I Just Don't Get It!

2009-03-18T12:25:00.003-04:00

I feel like the theme of my life this week is: I just don't get it! At work, at home, with friends, everywhere...I just don't get it! But surprisingly have been okay with just don't getting it lately. I seem almost content with my life (almost being the key word).

So I am moving on the 4th to a Townhouse in Fairfax, which I am really excited about. My parents owe me close to $2,000 so they are paying for all the moving expenses. Which would be awesome if I didn't need all new funiture. Since have had the same funiture in my room since I was about 8, it can't be moved without following to pieces. Which makes part of me laugh because if I wasn't movie out I would never get new funiture. Anyways, my mom keeps telling me to look for sales and I've found many with the funiture I want...but then she tells me not to get it. I just don't get it! It's not like she doesn't have the money or anything, she just is waiting for something better. So I have taken the step to just buy stuff myself and pray that they just pay me back. But nonetheless I just don't get it!

Work has been really crazy because my boss has been in Mexico! She will be back tomorrow and I thank God because I can't do her job and I don't really want to anymore. But if she was here people would clear things with her before doing them, but not that surprisely they don't clear it with me. For example, I was suppose to interview someone at 12:20 and then they would be gone. But of course, someone decides (out of no where) that they are going to take him to lunch. Where did they go? I don't know! How long will they be gone? I don't know. Do they even know that I have a schedule to keep? I don't know. I find it interesting that if my boss was here, she would have beeen asked if that would be okay. But not to me! There would be no way for me to say no...but still it would have been nice to have been asked. I just don't get it!

So my roommates a few (2 to be exact) had a party and I was invited. I met most of their friends and had a great time. There was one guy that I thought was really hot, so I let my roommate know. She of course told him (hence why I told her). I got his number and we went out together. It was really great. And he seemed really interested. But then last night, he went out for St Patrick's Day and drunk texted me that he wished I was with him. I told him this morning that it just made me laugh because I figured he was drunk. We did a little text back and forth...and now he's not answering me. AT ALL!! We are suppose to go out tomorrow, but I don't think he wants to. I have done the whole "He must be asleep!" (because he has the day off) but he is still on Facebook....so maybe he just isn't by his phone. I just don't get it! It makes me nervous...I def thought that he liked me...but I guess not...WHATEVER!!

Freezing and Tired

2009-03-11T09:54:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, while at the gym, I was thinking a lot. I mostly thought I was going to die if I stayed too long. But when I could actually think clearly, I thought how pointless working out is. I was on the eleptical and I wasn't going anywhere. I mean anywhere. I was running in place. And for that 40 minutes I didn't do anything but think and run. It was weird because I thought about all the other things that I could be doing with that 40 minutes. Like washing my hair (which I did this morning and still got to work before 8) or doing homework for my class. What makes it weird is when I am doing stuff like blogging for a half an hour, I think about the exercise I could be doing. I wish I could do both at the same time. I probably couldn't because I would be more focus on one than the other (it would probably depend on how I felt that day). But in the end all exercising does for me is work off calories and make me hot and sweaty.

I am freezing and tired today. But for the first time this week I have actually got up on time. Monday I didn't get up until 7:30 and then on Tuesday I didn't get up until 8:30. Both are very late, since I am suppose to get up at 6:00 or 6:15. Monday I didn't get into work until 8:50 then Tuesday I didn't get into work until almost 10. It was really bad. But today I got up at 6:00 and then got into work at 7:55. It somewhat amazes me how the in the same week I get here before 8 then other days I don't get here until after 9. This is what I was like in college. I would get there when I got there. When I am done getting ready in the morning I leave. No if, and, or but! I hate waiting around for a time to come. It makes me anxious. I get ready and go.

My co-worker is hopefully getting me some Starbucks because we are both tired and freezing. He slept way less than me last night (because I got the normal 8 hours). He was doing some kind of sleep study and he didn't sleep. That makes me laugh. I guess he thinks that he has some problem with sleeping. I don't really know! But if I had a problem with sleeping I would take like 3 sleeping pills and be done. I don't really understand people's problems with sleeping pills. I don't know a single person who sleeps through the whole night without waking up, unless they are sleeping pills. I do understand the whole "being dependent" on them. But if I have to take sleeping pills for the rest of my life just to sleep through the night, then that's fine with me. I love sleeping.

I am getting really excited about moving. I have picked out all the furiture that I want for my room. My mom says that she is going to buy it for me since she owes me so much money. And I am fine with it. I found a whole collection at Target that I loved. I really want black furiture this time. Maybe it will make my room darker, but I don't really care. I really want to have matching furiture this time. My room has just gotten stuff from all over the place. It's kind of crazy how much stuff I have. My room is smaller in my new place, but I don't really care because it's mine. I get really excited when I think about moving. I am trying to get my mom to order stuff soon. I am not a last minute person. Like I wanted to have my taxes already done by now. But my dad keeps telling me that "we will do next weekend." I am not that kind of person! I want to do it this weekend and get it over with. People are so annoying!

Work Is Crazy

2009-03-10T15:06:00.004-04:00

Work for the past few days has been insane. I haven't work so hard at this job in the entire time I've been here. Right now of course I am doing nothing. I am just sitting waiting to do an interview with a potential (but unlikely) sales engineer.

There has been 4 candidates in today. 3 whom are sales engineer and 1 who is a test engineer. Most people in the company new 3 out the 4. It's been a bit crazy trying to have people's schedules work with the interviewees' schedule. Then tonight since 3 out the 4 are sales engineer, we are going to go over what each person thinks of that candidates. That is going to totally suck. One person, who would be the direct supervisor of the sales engineer, is a little crazy. He likes to micromanage. And you'd better bet that this potentailly 30 minute meeting will turn into an hour or so. After all the interviews I still have so much I will need to do. My boss is going out the country for the next week and I will be in charge of HR. Which means I will have to give feedback to all the candidates from today. It will suck!

I hopefully will find out my raise today. I am sure that is the last thing on my boss's mind, but of course that is the first thing on mine. Especially since I am signing my lease on Saturday. My rent isn't bad but still it would be more than half my paycheck as of now. Everyone says that I should be grateful that I have a job let alone getting a raise. But I feel like this raise will have something to do with how grateful they are to have me. But of course, it probably doesn't! For all I know they could be waiting to fire me. IDK!!

Signing My Lease

2009-03-10T13:12:00.002-04:00

On Saturday at 11 am, I will be signing my lease. That means that this whole thing is becoming real. I am actually moving out of my parent's house. I honestly can't believe it.

Last Saturday I went to a party at my future house and had so much fun. I did drink a little too much and then the whole time change messed me up, but other than that I had a real good time. It was fun to be with my roommates. They will definitely bring out the fun side of me. Of course I will make sure that I won't have too much fun. But nonetheless, I won't be boring anymore.

Thank God It's Friday!

2009-03-06T07:52:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I got a call back from a house that I was very interested in living in. I loved it! I already picked out my room and everything. The down side is that I have to share a bathroom. But thankful it's with another girl. There will be 4 girls (including me) in a TownHouse in a nice area of NOVA. I <3 it!

I met two of the roommates yesterday. They seemed great! And they smoke! While I don't care if I live with people that don't smoke. It's helpful that they do smoke so that I am not the weird one out. I am moving in April 4th. They want me to move in the 1st but I have class on Wednesdays.

What would top off the whole day is if I find out what my raise is. I started out hoping to be salary and make 35 a year. But then I thought that maybe that was reaching too high. So then I thought want to get $1,000 after taxes per paycheck. That would be about $5 per hour raise. Then I had my performance review and once again that seemed too high. So now I am settling for $1 raise. I hope I find out today!

I COPE

2009-03-04T10:44:00.003-05:00

Finally I got an appointment with my therapist. It's only taken a few weeks! Well more like 2 months. I am so glad that that is going to happen.

But now I am having one of the worst anxiety attacked that I've had in a while. So once again I will do the I COPE things

I: Identify Stress: 1) moving 2) class and 3) sickness

C: Communication Skills: 1) should be to seek out friends for support 2) assertiveness and just look at how I am feeling when its time for class and 3) once again assertiveness and see how I feel and if I need to go home then I will

O: Organization Skills: 1) Planning: I am looking a house and apartments. I need to realize that I really couldn't move out until April 1st. That is how I need to present my side when I look for a place to live 2) Priotizing: if I am sick I just need to go home. Class will go on without me 3) Pacing: I need to do what I am able to do. If I am working to fast and hard, then I need to slow down because I really can't get sicker

P: Perceptive Skills: 1) Letting go: I can't help the fact that I don't have a place to live so I am taking positive steps to get out of the house. I can't find a place any fast then I am looking. 2) Re-labling: class isn't the be all and end all of my Wednesday. Frankly if I miss this class no one will care or even notice I am gone. 3) Umm...sick is sick and I just have to live with it. So I guess accepting things I can't change??

E: Enhancement Skills: 1) Gentleness: I have to tell myself that it's okay to not have a place to live right now. 2 and 3) Take care of my body through eating, sleeping and excerise. If I can't go to class tonight, then I can't go to class tonight.

I'm Going Crazy :(

2009-03-03T14:21:00.005-05:00

I can't believe how sick a person can get in a few hours! I've been at work since about 8 am. I felt perfectly fine. I mean I was coughing and had a headache, but that was it. Now I feel my eyes closing when I am doing nothing and they are watering like no other. My head feels like it weights 20 pounds. My noise won't stop running. When I cough, it hurts my chest. WOH IS ME!

But then I think I only have a few hours left so I should just stay. Then I can go home and sleep. Then I realize I am suppose to be looking at an apartment today. I think I can cancel it because hell I'm sick. But what if it is the one! The one and only that I will want to live in. Truthfully I probably couldn't pull the money together to get it. But what if! Really? I mean I found a perfect I mean perfect place, but I turned it down because of a lot of things. And I know that I'm not going to be so in love with place like that. What if the place I am going to see today is better than the one I turned down. I mean I seriously doubt it is. The area in which it is in isn't a bad place, but it's not the place that people who have liked in NOVA there whole lives want to move.

I really don't know. So what am I doing about? I am being very grown up and calling my mom. Well actually I texted her to call me when she is out of work. I know I know! But I just need resurance! That doesn't seem that bad to me. She will probably tell me just to come home. I know she will. And really I have fallen in love with another place (which I haven't seen yet) and I am going there on Saturday.

Dude! If I could go back in time, I would say to my mom and dad that there is no rush for me to move out (which is completely true). I also wouldn't have told anyone that I am looking to move out. Well in fact I didn't, it was my mom. Now people ask me everyday if I have found somewhere. Or you need to look here or at this place or "You can have this." It's really stressful. So God only know why I am doing this to myself.

Snow Day

2009-03-02T13:17:00.003-05:00

I hate hate hate snow. When I was in school I didn't mind it as long as we were off school. Now that I work and my company never closes, I hate it. Since I am admin there is always something for me to do and I can't work from home. So here I am at work with like the rest of my company at home.

I am really sick today. Well for the last few days. I thought that I just had a cold or something on Friday. So I just took it easy and didn't do Fridays on Friday. Then on Saturday my parents went out so I just stayed in my pjs all day. I watched crap TV and it felt GREAT!! On Sunday I met with people about moving out and that was very anxiety provoking. Then I had to see FridaysMom after her surgery. That was actually okay. Then about 2 o'clock. I thought that I was going to die just sitting there. So I went home and rested. That's kind of when I was thinking maybe this isn't a cold since my cough is so bad. But then I thought that it could be a chest cold.

Today I woke up at my regular time and did my routine. I went out for a smoke and realize how much snow there was. I knew that we were suppose to get 4-6 inches but those people are always wrong. So I was really surprised when it happened. Then I continued my routine. Then I heard my mom talking and usually she is at work by 6 am. So I thought something was wrong. Well it turns out that she is working 10 am - 6pm today. So once agian I was on my routine.

My blackberry gets my work emails. And the usually people were email in that they weren't able to make it. Some of them is because they are lazy and just want an excuse. Others I believe can't truly make it in because they live so far away. Then someone who always makes it said he was coming in late. That's when I started think that maybe I would go in late too. This guy lives like 3 miles from work and I live at least 5! Then I got an email from the CEO who said "use your best judgement." That was when I was thinking "My best judgement says that they don't pay me enough to risk my life to go into work."

Then unfortunately I talked with my dad, who grew up in the Mid-West where they never ever cancel schools etc. He said that if it takes "superhuman effort" to get into work then I shouldn't go. So of course I was like "It would take superhuman effort!" He then looked me straight in the eyes and said "I think you can make it in." I was like "FINE!!"

I called my mom right as I got to work to let her know I was okay. And to tell her that all the roads were crap. She then said to me "Well I wasn't going to go in but since my FairyBerry made it in I will go." Then I was like "What? Dad said I could make it in." She said "He just wanted to see some effort on your part. If you just cleaned off your car, it would have been enough." I couldn't believe it. My dad was playing mind games with me. I almost got into 2 crashes (with the same car :P) because my dad wanted me to make an effort! LAMENESS!!

I felt unsafe coming to work today, but I came. I feel like crap and have a horrible cough, but I am still here. I have nothing to do, but I still find busy work. All because my dad wanted me to make an effort. Like I am 12 years old! OMG my life is crap.

Anxiety CAN kill me

2009-02-27T11:14:00.003-05:00

I am so excited about moving out! But I have a lot of questions and it makes me anxious that they are going to say no. I sent the question to my friend today so that she can talk about it with her husband before I get there. It's like I want to get the ball rolling. I would seriously consider giving them some money so they will hold a room for me.

I am almost obsessing about moving out. I can't really think of anything else. I have to go somewhere else now. Talk to you later.

Moving Out

2009-02-25T10:35:00.003-05:00

I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!! Surprisingly my parents are being very helpful. My mom has asked some people at work if they have anything for me because all of their children are grown. I know that I have a TV and a sofa. Those are both important things for me to have.

Now all I need is a bed. I will helpfully get the master bedroom at the house I am moving into. That way I can have my own bathroom. I will hopefully moving in the beginning of April. I realize that April 1st is a Wednesday and I doubt that I can move in then, especailly with class. But I could move in the weekend before or the weekend after.

It's kind of rough moving into a house, because I have no furniture. I really want a new bed but mattresses are so expensive. The cheaper ones look so uncomforable. But the ones I want are like $200-$300. That is really expensive to a poor lowly admin!

February 22nd

2009-02-23T10:30:00.003-05:00

I feel that this will be a very uneventual day. I am already bored and I've only been at work for a few hours.

My mom got back from London yesterday. It was nice to see her. I know that I am 22, but I really do miss the little things that she does for me. Like putting out my coffee cup in the morning. Not that is a hard thing for me to do in the morning, but it's nice.

So ShortGirl is not back with her husband. They are doing a trail separation. Its seems logical to me. But I guess not to him. He refused to take her back and then cried when she packed up her stuff. It just seems very weird to me. How can you be upset with someone who is just doing what is needed. I guess in the end he said he would try to stop drinking for her. He said he would try to do AA. I think this is a good positive step but maybe he won't go. And it will be hard to know from NYC.

Nothing more interesting to say.

My Life is Uneventful

2009-02-20T11:38:00.004-05:00

I did go to the gym last night, but I really didn't want to. Then I got home and ate pizza. This morning for my snack I had two twinckies. So all the calories and fat I worked off (if any), I have now put back into my body.

I had a novel idea today. Instead of leaving early on Fridays I could come in late. By late I would probably mean like 9:30 or 10. That way I could work out in the morning. I have a long standing every Friday night plan with FridayFriend. We go to Fridays! Then we go shopping. We call it Fridays on Friday or Friday at Fridays. It just depends. And really we have only missed a few over the year that we have done it. Sometimes we have other plan or we get sick. But then we usually make it up later on in the weekend.

I am kind of excited about tonight. I feel good (well at least right now). I feel like I should go to the gym, but that would mean that I went Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thrusday and Friday. Which is crazy! I always said that I would take Wednesday and Fridays off. And if I had a late night on either Friday or Saturday that I wouldn't go the next day. I usually don't have late night though. I do when I am reading.

Speaking of reading I read Dead Until Dark. I loved it! I was kind of not that interested in reading at first. Then after the first few chapters, I couldn't put it down. It had a little bit of everything: sex, mystery, murder, romance, love, hate, supernatural etc etc. I can't wait to read the rest of the series. But right now I am reading Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which is also a series. I heard that the movie is not that great. But I love the book! It's like I feel her pain. Then I am going to read He's Just Not That into You. Which also happens to be a movie. I loved the movie but everyone says the book is better. So I am excited for that. Then I am going to on a shopping spree and get all the other books in the Dead Until Dark series. Then I will get the rest of the Confession of a Shopaholic series. I can't wait. I actually should buy them one at a time (which is what I am sure I will end up doing).

Other than that stuff and work, there's not much going on. I have a hysterical story about work. Email me and I will tell you!

My Schedule for Today

2009-02-19T08:35:00.006-05:00

I have a plan for today...which may not happen but at least I have a plan.

I am here at work and I decided that I will leave a 4:30 since I got here at 7:45. Then I am going to go home and do my hair. I will get ready for tomorrow (lunch, clothes, etc). Then I am going to head to the gym. I feel like I really need to go because I talked to my mom this morning.

My aunt, cousin and mom got to London at 2 am EST, which was 7 am GMT. They can not check into their hotel until 3 pm GMT. So when I talked to my mom they were at my cousin's flat. Her husband did some really nice things for her. Like he left out her engagement ring (which they had been fighting over), he cleaned the flat, and laid out her mail. This made my cousin think that he was a really great guy that she didn't want to let go of if there was something to save. I can't believe it! I told her that her marriage was over even if she went back to him. I also told her that he would be nice to her in front of my mom and aunt. And in the end she would feel that it was easier just to stay with him. But did she listen to me? No!

My mom keeps telling me that it's not my place to decide about their marriage. I of course know that. But at the same time I know my cousin...and whatever easiest is what she is going to do. It's ridicuous. He may have done a few nice things for her, but in the end he said some really mean stuff to her as well. I feel that the bad words out weigh the good actions. And God only know what will happen when they see each other in a few days (I think they are meeting on Friday).

If I could say anything to my cousin right now it would be:

"Look, you are being a lustful wife! You told me that you wanted to leave him. You said you felt bad about doing it too. But in the end you said that he needs to stop drinking for you to go back to him. And has he? Has he said that he will stop drinking? I doubt it. ShortGirl, it's over! A few nice things that a husband should do for his wife anyways, does not out weigh the fact that he said that he would resent you for the rest of his life if he stopped drinking. Or the fact that he said that he was not sexually attracted to you anymore. Like I told you at the resturant, it may be easier to go back to him, but in the end we will end up right back here in maybe a few weeks, or maybe a few years. But in the end the marriage is over. He did not fight for you to come back. He never even said come back. All he said was 'I wish you would reconsider!' And you have considered everything. Weighed the pros and cons and in the end you found him coming up short. So go back to him if you really love him, but not because it's easier! It's not worth it."

"I remember what you were like in NYC. And I never want to see you back there again. You are better than that! Plus you are like 5 levels above him on the hottness scale. I love you and support whatever decision you make. But like I said when you were here, you have to call me and explain why you are staying yourself. And if it irrational, I will let you know. And if it a rational reason, then stay."

But of course she might flip out if I say this to her. But the more I think about it, the more I will want to say it. I am kind of at a lose of what to do. Hence why I will go to the gym and work my ass off to clear my head. And hopefully either give me the strength to not send it or give me the strength to send it. I just don't know what to do.

I realize that people have to make their own mistakes. But this is pretty big mistake to make to me. She hated London. She had no social life. She wasn't happy! And your husband didn't make it better. In fact, he made it worse. I just don't know what to do!

I Lie to Myself More Than Anyone Else

2009-02-18T13:01:00.004-05:00

While I was smoking my after lunch cigarette, I thought "I really don't want to go to class tonight! I wish I could go to the gym instead!" Then I realize that's not true. I just want to go home and get in my pj's and watch American Idol.

I realize I do that a lot. I think about what I wish I could be doing right now instead of being at work doing nothing. I came up with all sorts of things. Like getting my bills in order or looking for a place to live or looking for another job just in case I get laid off. But actually none of those are true. If I was not a work right now, I would probably be home watching crap TV.

I also was telling myself how much I am going to miss my mom. But chances are that if she was home, I wouldn't see her. Especially on Wednesdays when I have class until 10 pm. She would be in bed before I got home and she is out of the house by 5:15 am to go to work. Maybe I would see her tomorrow night. But even then I might be mad at her.

I also tell myself that I either really hate my job or I really love my job. But truthfully neither is true. My job is just something I do during the week. I don't really care about it. If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow. And even if it doesn't get done by me, it will get done by someone else.

I also realize how antisocial I am. I hate leaving work to go to lunch. I always tell myself it's because I am hourly and then when I get to be salary it will be different. But I know that's not true. I will still have to work 40 hours a week and do what I need to do. The only difference will be that I don't have a hard stop on Friday's. I will be able to stay until 5. Which will frankly blows. I love getting out of work early on Fridays. It makes me really happy.

I also think that I am not judgement at all. But that's not true either. I either love people or I hate them. When I hate them, I can be really mean about them. Like for a few days, I have been hating on one of my closest friend FridaysFriend. I been saying things that are true, but it's not like I don't have things about myself that people can be mean about. And last night I found out that FridayMom, is having heart surgery on Wednesday. I mean everyone knew this would happen eventually but not when she is 50!! But now I feel all guilt about everything that I have said about FridaysFriend. I really need to be there for her right now. And I will be. But I was very judgemental.

England

2009-02-18T09:27:00.006-05:00

It took me especially long to get into work today. I know that I left about 30 minutes later than I usually do, but it must have been all the snow and everything. I felt like I was at this one light for 20 minutes.

Today my family and my mom leaves for England. I am happy and sad. I am happy that they are leaving because I miss my routines and my bathroom to myself. But I am sad because my mom is leaving. I am always sad when my mom goes to England. I don't really know why. I mean I do...kind of. That was the first time I flipped out. Or at least that was the first time everyone noticed that I was really sick. So it's anxiety provoking! I know that she will have a wonderful time though. I know that she really really want to see LondonCousin. My mom is her Godmother. And of course we hardly ever see them because of the distance.

I am kind of sad that ShortGirl is going. She is like the big sister that I never had. I mean she and I do a lot together. We motativate each other to go to the gym. Like yesterday, I really didn't want to go but she really did so we went. It was actually not a good workout but it was better than nothing. And now I have a smoking buddy. My real sister was my smoking buddy before she went to college, but since she is gone it has only been me.

I won't miss all the stuff that FavoriteAuntie and ShortGirl use. It's crazy how much stuff we have gone through since they have been here. Thankfully they didn't like my shampoo and conditioner. But the amount of toliet paper and paper towels and food that we have gone through. I can't believe that at one time my brother and sister lived with us too. When it's just my parent and me, we run the dishwasher like everyother day. But now we have been having to run it everyday.

And I definitately won't miss the fighting that goes on. ShortGirl is always on the phone and no matter who she is talking to, there is a fight. It's like she wants to get into a fight or something. I am definitately not one for fighting. I feel like you don't get anything done other than get mad at the other person. Which I feel is stupid

I will miss FavoriteAuntie telling me how much I am helping ShortGirl and her. She pretty much tells me everyday. I think it's reason it works out is due to my age. ShortGirl and I are pretty close in age so I can tell her she is being irrational in a way that she will understand. I always can tell her honestly what I think about what she is doing without her getting mad at me. Because I've been through similar situations and know what should be said. I always say it in a way that doesn't offend her. Because I know what offended me when I was going through hell.

I know that my dad and I will have a good time without my mom. We always seem to get closer when she leaves. We watch crappy TV together and laugh about all the stupid things that happen on the show. Like right now our favorite show is American Idol. It's always fun to watch how stupid people are on the show, especially the judges. We alway have fun making dinner together. We pretty much like the same kinds of food and we make it in the way that we like. Our favorite meal is homemade hamburgers. I don't know why but they sometimes taste better than 5 Guys. And we never use buns. We always use toast, which makes it significantly better.

I am sure that my mom will have a good time and I know that ShortGirl won't. I am expecting a lot of calls from everyone when they are in England. Which I don't really mind because then I can tell them what English Chocolates they have to bring me back.

I COPE

2009-02-17T10:46:00.005-05:00

So I am really stressed out. My therapist gave me this worksheet called I COPE. Now I am finally going to try it.

Identifying stress: What am I stressed about? I feel like saying everything under the sun, but I doubt that is really identifying the stress. I really think it has to be with a few things. First, is my family is still here, which I have bitched about a few times. But another is that my cousin keeps telling me to come home from work. Which really wouldn't be a big deal because obviously I am not doing much because I am blogging. But I don't really want to use my Paid Time Off. While it's boring it feels better to interact with people who are not my family.

Communiate Skills: Expressing your needs and saying "no." So far so good on that one. I am still at work. My need is to stay at work so that I can take time off in August to go to England for my cousin's wedding. I need to stay at work to feel somewhat sane. But it is getting harder and harder to say no. I mean why the hell can't I take off work. Does it really matter that much?

Organization Skills: Prioritizing. My number one priority is work. I can lose this job, especailly in this economy. And my cousin won't remember that I took off work to take care of her in a few weeks. She will be in NYC doing whatever she does. Maybe she will have a job or something and I will the furthest from her mind. But I know that my boss will remember that I took off and I certainly will.

Perception Skills: Letting go. I need to let go of the fact that my cousin just wants attention. Maybe that is accepting the fact...Anyway, I need to learn that she will do anything for attention especially right now. This is not a new behavior for her. So I need to let go of this anger that she is making me feel guilty. I mean this is how she is, right or wrong, it's how she is.

Enchancement Skills: Relaxation. I can't really do this at work. I usually would just read or blog. But I am at work. I could just go for a smoke. But I've already smoked like half my pack today. Anyone with suggestions?

Blah- I haven't been here in years!

2009-02-17T09:05:00.005-05:00

I feel like I haven't been here in years. I feel like I haven't been to work in years. I feel like I haven't been emotionally and physically in the place I am in years. And truthfully I haven't.

I feel depressed and sick. Now am I feeling sick because I am depressed? Or am I feeling depressed because I am sick? I don't really know and it doesn't seem to really matter.

I am so done with my family being at my house. I love them but they are so messy and they mess up my schedule. Sometimes I just want to go home and read, but my cousin wants to talk about how horrible her life is. I feel obligated to listen. But she doesn't really want to hear how I feel about things. It's totally lame. My aunt is being helpful with dinner and stuff, but when she gets upset at my cousin, the whole house is in an uproar. It's frankly horrible.

My dad and I were talking this morning about how we just want them to leave. I do love them, but I am sick of the fighting and manipulation. My cousin everyday tries to get into a fight with my aunt about anything and everything. Then when I try to tell her that her mom is doing the best that she can, my cousin flips out. She talks about that it's not good enough and that no one understands her. I point out that it's because she is being unrational. She doesn't want to listen to anyone else.

My emotions are all over the place. I just freaking tired. Like now I am at work, but I can't stop thinking about what's going on at home. I am very grateful I am at work because then I don't have to deal with it, but it consumps my every thought and every feeling. And everyone in my family is stressed. Since my mom is going to London with them, she is stressed about packing and money. FavoriteAuntie is stressed that ShortGirl is trying to get into a fight with her every single second. ShortGirl is just being irrational about everything and anything that comes to mind. My dad just wants them to go and I just feel sick and depressed.

I know that the end is near. They are leaving tomorrow afternoon and I won't see them. I have work and then class. But I just want them to be gone tonight. My cousin really wants to go to the gym and my thing is that I'd rather go to the gym right after work. Instead we wait until much later to go to the gym. I know that it is less crowded but I'd rather wait for equipment then go late. I am an early to bed kind of person. I love sleeping so not sleeping is not an option. I might work longer today though so that I can leave early tomorrow and Thrusday. I am so sick of work right now.

I am so tired of people calling me too. I have no idea where things are at their desk or who to call to tell them they are going to be late. I don't really care. I just need some sleep.

Make a Command Decision

2009-02-13T12:07:00.003-05:00

So I have decide that I need to love myself. I never have and I think it's about time. So this what I need to do.

1) Move out out of my house. Both my parents are depressed and have come very sick. They make me hate myself. They are very critical. This will have to be one of the last things I do. I am waiting for my friend A.C.E.S to get a full time job. She is a temp right now and they are going to offer her a job, but she is like me and thinks it might not be true. Then we will need to decide wehre we should live and how much it will cost

2) I need to stop talking about my weight as a horribel thing. Every blog I've read has given me ideas on how to do that. First, I joined a gym, so I would loss weight. Now I find out that I should go to the gym for other reason. The main other reason that I would go to the gym is stress relief. I makes me just less stressed. I also need to tell my mom to shut the fuck up when she gives me crap about how much I weigh. She tells me shit like, you don't look like you use to and we shoud go on a diet together. My response will be something to the effect "Thanks, but no thanks!" I have done the whole, "Mom shut up!" But that does not really work. I've said "Don't ever wonder why I got a eating disorder, if I get one."

3) STOP TELLING PEOPLE THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF. I feel like that reforces it in my mind. For a person who was once considered to have body dymorphic disorder, they are very few things I hate about myself. This is of course relative because maybe there are people out there that don't hate anything about themselves.

4) I need to leave my toxic friend. This is what I've been needing to do for a long time. OMGMyBoyfriend is the worst for me. But I don't really know how to finish it. I mean it is kind of done. She never calls anymore and always has to see her boyfriend. I do have a few other friends that are bad for me, like FridayFriend. But her's is more of a family thing. Her whole family is very critical of everyone. Including me because they consider me family as well. But I am kind of tired of it. Critize is not a good thing.

Okay so that's 4! Four is better than none, which is what I had before. I am trying here...

Whatever!!

2009-02-13T11:22:00.004-05:00

So I am at work again! Which is not unusal for a Friday. But I feel like I live here. I never really felt that way when I was in college.

Today I am going to stay positive but it's becoming really hard. People are annoying me! And I am just plain tired. I awoke up this morning and my whole body was just tired. I went the computer to check my email and my hand could hardly hold the mouse. I thought I was going to fall asleep while I was driving. But I didn't and I made it here.

I am thankful that I don't have to go out with Friday'sFriend! I love going out with her but I am not really in the mood to deal with ShortGirl and her together for a few hours. I am looking forward to working out because finally my iPod is back in service. I have been reading while working out and that has been good. But I don't really focus on the work out when I am reading a really great part.

So my family wants to go to Richmond this weekend. And like said before I am not going to go. But it looks like they may not go because my sister is really sick. My mom feels like she should go done there to take care of her. But my sister is not a happy camper when she is sick. Like at all. She is winy and crappy. I do miss my sister but I want to see her when she is healthy and happy. But anyway, back to the original problem. They might not go down there and that means another day with ShortGirl. I do love her, don't get me wrong. But it is so stressful. I feel like I might hit her if she complains one more time. Woh is her right now. But I don't think she sould milk it for all it's worth. I feel angery that she's not grateful for what we have done with her. I mean she was suppose to go back to England, not come stay with us. She is ungrateful when we give her stuff. And it's like OH MY GOD, REALLY.

Enough about her. I offically hate Valentine's Day! It is a horrible holiday. I mean people get you chocolate that you don't like and if one gets you anything you feel lonely and upset. I do realize that today is Friday the 13th and V-Day is tomorrow, but of course I got stuff for people at work. Like my boss and some of my friends and I feel sad that no one remembered me. I have been telling FridaysFriend that I got her something, but now she feels like she has to get me something. And I know it's the thougth that counts and everything, but it does make me feel lonely. I am sure that my mom and dad will at least get me a card. They always do. And this year for once I did get my mom and dad a card. I never really thought about giving them stuff before. But I guess I am growing up and want them both to have something.

I can't believe about the plane crash in Buffalo. It makes me sad, but at least that is what taking up the news day instead of some bullshit that I couldn't care less about. But still it's really sad.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words on the whole weight thing.

Obsessing

2009-02-12T11:40:00.003-05:00

So I am really obsessing about my weight. I just went to The-F-Word and asked what I should do about went people call me fat. But frankly it's only my mom and I calculated my BMI today and it's 23, which is normal. It wouldn't bother me as much if she didn't say it all the time and then tell me that I should go on a diet. I mean come on! I just don't get it.

I feel worthless when she tells me things like that. I think its her way of telling me something that she hates about herself. But I hate it... I can't even think right now...I'll finish this later.

I need to Journal

2009-02-12T10:45:00.002-05:00

I feel like I need to journal but I am at work so I can't so here we go...

My cousin, Short Girl, is getting a divorce. Well not exactly. See she went to NYC for her birthday and then when it was time to go back to London, where her husband lives, she didn't get on the plane. She said "I just couldn't do it." So her mom, Favorite Auntie, told her to come down to us in VA. She fought about it when her mom, but eventually came.

At first, when it was just her and me. It was great. I would talk her through what she was feeling. She would just listen and do what I said because mostly she was so numb. But she would help me do things to. I join a gym so that we could get our nervous energy out. It was wonderful.

Then Favorite Auntie came on Monday. Which is fine...she is my favorite auntie after all. But then Short Girl got all needy. She didn't understand why her parents would only pay for half of her NYC apartment. She also didn't understand why they expected her to get a job as soon as possible.

I don't feel sorry for her in those areas. I mean if my parents paid for half of an apartment around her, I would be able to afford a great apartment. And of course she needs a job...SHE'S 25 YEARS OLD!! But I have learned that she is spoiled and that when she doesn't get what she wants she gets pissed.

Then on Tuesday, my mom, Short Girl, Favorite Auntie, and I went out to dinner. And for some freaking reason, my sexual abuse came up. I mean really?? What the hell?? And I started cry and then I was over it. I told them that I didn't want to talk about it and they didn't. GREAT!!!!!

Then as we were walking into the house. My cousin told me that I was allowed to be a slut because I was sexual abuse. And I started crying again. I mean What the hell?? I don't need someone to tell me what I can and cannot be. And why I am things. Then I was over that after a smoke.

But now she just "Me, me, me!" She feels the need to call me and just tell me how horrible her life is and that she doesn't know what she should do. I am like "Do what you can live with." But of course that's not the right answer. She wants me to help her decide. Which of course I won't do. Then this morning, while I am at work she calls to tell me she had a bad dream about the whole situation with her husband. So I listen and add "Oh" "Wow" etc. Then she asks me what it means. I tell her that she is stressing about the situation and fears the worst will happen. And that's what gave her a bad dream. Well that answer isn't good enough for her. She wants me to tell her what every part of the dream means. What she should do about. I am like "Nothing! Just journal about it" But still thats not good enough. I lie and say I have a meeting and get off the phone.

I am so tired! I don't want to try to fix her. I am done!!!!!!!!!!

The semester is over...except for Finals

2008-05-02T09:18:00.005-04:00

So the semester is over! I am done with class for the my undergrad college career. It is an awesome feeling. Now all I have to do is finals, which is maddening, but I still have to graduate.

So I did something that is making me angry. So I pretty much told the group that if they missed the last class, which was yesterday, then they were SOL. The professor went over all the material that would be on the final. He would say "know x, y, and z" and of course we wrote everything done. That is one thing I learned in college...how to write fast. Anyway, I was think fuck the group because I made it to the last class and there is really no good reason to miss the LAST CLASS! I told my group this in an e-mail. Then sent two people an e-mail saying that this did not apply to them because I knew why they weren't there and everything. So I was sitting around after writing this e-mail. I started feeling guilty. I was think what I would think if someone in the group had said the same thing to me if I didn't go to class...well I would have been pissed. So I spent the next 2 hours typing up everything that the professor had said in class. I also wrote the extra credit question that were handed out in class. NOW I feel stupid! I can't believe that I felt so guilty that I spent 2 hours of my life giving information to people that don't deserve it. Only one person has e-mailed me back and said thank you. She was telling me that I didn't need to do it or anything. And I have a feeling that the people who weren't in class will feel the same way. So that means that my 2 hours doesn't mean anything to them. I am so mad!!!

Moving on...I can't believe that I am still waiting to find out from this job! I know that this is normal, but I am very impatient! I just want to know what they are or aren't looking at. I know that I still have a chance because they are waiting on my reference who isn't in the office until today. I really hope that she is there today. But then I got an e-mail from an other company that wants to hire me. I told my mom that I am not looking for a job until after graduation but she said that I better call them. I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want a summer or something. I know that that is not going to happen, but hey a girl can dream...

Stressing

2008-04-30T10:35:00.002-04:00

I am so stressed about everything right now! I just want to finish my paper and find out if I have a job or not. But instead I can't do either. I can't finish my paper because I don't know if I have a job and I can't find out if I have a job because the company has to call me. I just can't do anything right now.

I am waiting for my mom to get home so that I can go to school and hopefully finish my paper there. I doubt that I will finish my paper today but as long as I have something for tomorrow in class. I don't really care about this English class anymore! It is really lame and I don't know my grade, which stresses me out even more. I just want to be done. But to be done I need to finish my paper. I will get it done this weekend and hand it in the next time that I am on campus, which will probably be next Tuesday! That means that I have less than a week to finish it up. But like I said I can't really care at all.

This whole job thing is stressing me out too. I mean I would like to know what the future after graduation looks like for me. Do I have a job? Will I have to work retail again? I don't know! I have never had such uncertainly about my future as I do now. I am ready for graduation but I don't know what my life after graduation holds.

Last Week Of Classes

2008-04-28T17:16:00.002-04:00

It is the last week of classes and I am so happy. I only have like 3 days of classes left. I know that most of them there is just lecture but my Wednesday class I have quiz, but I don't really care about it. She is giving us two quizzes and the highest one she will keep. I think I got an 85 on the first quiz and I am pretty much just getting a B in that class, so I am not worried.

My study group is really pissing me off though. Most of them are not showing up for classes and anymore. I also got an e-mail from a group member asking me to help her with a project that I handed in over a month ago. She is still working on it, but the professor is not going to accept it. I pretty much told her that if she had a specific question I would help her, but other than that she is out of luck. I ran many study groups on how to do that project and everyone in my group handed it in on time. We haven't gotten it back yet but I sure that I got an okay grade on it. Then someone else e-mailed me to ask what pages we need to read for class, since he hadn't given us any. I did but how do you think I found them? I just looked in the book to see what was where. It makes me angry that everyone is just skating by on what I know. I am actually earning my grade in that school, so I should know what is going on, but it makes me angry that everyone is depending on me because they don't care enough. I am thinking about cancelling one of the study groups because it is on the last days for the semester and usually I don't do anything. I am thinking that it would be mean if I did though, but hell I have a life too. Plus the only people that will show up are people that haven't done shit all semester. I don't know what my problem is about this study group lately. I think that I don't respect any of them because they are all taking grades that they don't desire or earn!!

Right now I am trying to order graduation picture and the site is so slow that I can write this whole blog! I know that this is very important to my mom, so that is the only reason I am doing it. But she told me that she only wanted pictures that look like I am graduating. There are only two kind of picture like that. One where I am holding my cap and the other where my cap is on. Only two out of the 8 pictures they took like that look good. But she wants a package where you can get 3 different poses, so I don't know what to do. I guess that we will have more than two picture of me in the same size even though we could get three different pictures of my in the same size. Whatever!!

I can't wait until I find out if I have a job or not. They said that they would hopefully have a decision by Tuesday or Wednesday, so if they don't call I am calling them on Thrusday. I really don't want to find out Wednesday that I don't have a job, but I sure since that is the day that I definitley don't want to find out they aren't hiring me, that will be the day they call. I wish I could find out next week if I don't have the job. Can you e-mail them and say "If your not hiring me, please wait to tell me until Monday?" I doubt it but it has definitely come into my mind. But the last thing that come into my mind is probably is the thing that won't get me hired. So God only knows what I need to do.

I have made a command decision that I will not look for another job until my finals are finished because the stress that it creates is overwhelming. Plus by the time that I get another interview it will be like graduation week and there is not way that I doing job stuff then. My family is coming in like all week, but luckily they all leave by the end of the week. My brother and his girlfriend are coming, which makes me super excited. I love his girlfriend, she is so awesome! I like her better than every other girlfriend that my brother has had. Plus he said that he is very serious about her, which for him is very surprising because usually he is not like that at all.

STILL TRYING TO ORDER PICTURES

One Week Left

2008-04-27T10:53:00.003-04:00

One of the last Sundays I will be working on homework. At least until I go to grad school...if I ever do. I am so happy because everything is "final!" My final paper, my final assignment, my final chapter I have to read. I am so happy.

While I am happy, I am sad too. I have been feeling very depressed lately because I am graduating. All of my issues from the past keep coming up. I know this is what will always happen when something significant comes up, but I haven't accepted that fact yet. It still upsets me that I get depressed and all I want to do is sleep. My parents have tried to get me out of my head and everything, but sometimes it doesn't matter what I do...I am in my head. I know there are a lot things going on that make me want to just kill myself. Like the fact I don't have a job. I don't want a shitty job!!!!!!! I want a job that I can do something with. But of course that doesn't mean anything to the people that are hiring me. Also all the shit with my sister. It is like I am a after thought. I know that I am not but if you look up middle child syndrom in the dictionary you will see a picture of me.

I also hate that my graduation is coming up so fast and I feel so far behind in all my classes. I have to read like a million pages before finals and there doesn't seem to be enough time in the world. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay. I have two weeks until finals and then all my finals are spread out. But it still doesn't matter.

Plus I have a really hard final and I run a study group. Everyone in my study group expects me to know everything and I don't. Plus no one takes notes except for me and then I have to lecture to them. I feel like I should tell them that if they have question then we can do the study group. I also know that I am pissed because everyone keeps talking about how they "deserve" grades that they don't. I know this one girl who I really do like, but she keeps saying that she deserves a C, which she doesn't. My sister came to school with me on Thrusday and took more notes then her. My sister doesn't understand IQ testing or anything in psychology, but she took more notes. I want to say to these people that if they don't have notes, they can't come to the study group! But of course I won't and I will be all pissed off the whole time that I am "teaching" them the material that they should at least have some idea about.

Bitching

2008-04-21T09:13:00.004-04:00

Last night was alright...surprisingly. But then my Girl Scout leader concelled on coffee today. This of course is good thing because I need to do homework, but I am really stressed so I feel like I should have time to bitch to her. I am sad about it. So instead of talking to her, I am going to bitch over the blog.

My family has recovered from my parents family therapy session. My dad is still in therapy even though he is not taking his meds. My mom and dad had family therapy with my dad's therapist and I guess it didn't go so well. See my parents have all this unspoken tention that they think no one knows about but of course we all do. They must have said some things to each other that wasn't so great. So they fought about it all weekend. It was of course great fun because my mom has decided to clean the whole house before my family gets here for my graduation. She needs my dad's help because half of the crap is his from the 70's. While I was doing homework they were fighting about everything. It was lame...

Also my sister is making me upset because she keeps telling me how great her life will be when she moves out. This is not exactly what is bothering me because I know that she will have a good time. However, I am not moving out nor have I ever, so while she is doing what she wants in Richmond. I will be in NOVA with my parents hearing them bitch together. I am hopefully that the whole house will change once my sister leaves. I hope that my parents will be more relaxed about her drugs addict-ness. But truthfully they should be more concerned then ever. But what do I know, I've just been in therapy for half my life...

Another thing that is making me angry is my friend OMGMyBoyfriend. We meet every Thrusday between class to just eat and chat. Well two Thrusday's ago I was sick so I didn't go to any of my class. But this Thrusday she didn't call or show up. I called her 3 times. The first to ask if she was coming. The middle to see if everything was alright and the last to make sure she got the first two. I know a little insane, but this is the second time that she has done this. She still hasn't called and I don't really know if I want to call her. She is not exactly one of the good kind of friends that I need. In fact is she is really mean about things sometimes. She is very much wanting to have a better job than me, which she will!! She is a double major and that looks good. So for every job I interview for she tells me how bad it is. I haven't told her about this job interview that I have on Wednesday because I don't want to hear her shit. I am sick of everyone bitching to me.

I also hate how everyone is stressing about job and thinking that I am fine...The recession is everywhere! I have accepted the fact that either I am going to have to take a job that I dislike or I going to paid badly. My big problem right now is that I am so positive that I am going to get this job on Wednesday. I mean I might now get it on Wednesday but they will offer me job. So of course I have stopped looking for a job, which is really bad. I have to keep looking just in case because I might not get the job because I have no experience. This makes me very upset that I am counting on something that might not come through. I am just very stressed right now.

Graduation

2008-04-20T15:36:00.002-04:00

I am freaking out about graduation. I not only know this from my everyday thinking about it but also my dreams. I know it sounds a bit Freudian, but hey I am a psyc major.

So my dream last night was that I was at a mall - a huge mall that had 3 floors - with HSfriend1 and HSfriend2. I haven't seen either of these "friends" in about 4 years, except maybe in passing at the store. We never talk or hang out or call or really anything. So HSfriend1 was looking for a prom dress, but not a dress. She wanted to stand out, so she was going to where a suit. Now this would totally happen when we were back in HS so no biggy. Then HSfriend2 decided that she wanted to look at make-up. And we went in to a store that I use to work at, but it was different because it was at this huge 3-level mall. HSfriend1 did not want to do that, but she only said something to me. So I had to try to work with both of them and either wanted to do what the other wanted to do. Once again this what really happened at the end of our friendship so no big deal. Then in the dream I started to freak out because I was missing a final that I had to take. Then I started to leave, but HSfriend1 decided that I had to stay. Then I wake up.

So now the real Freudian thing. First the reason my HS friends were in my dream because I keep comparing my Uni graduation to my HS graduation. Because it feels the same way. I feel like I am not really "ready" to graduation. I feel like I have a few more class that I have to take. I have become obsessed with checking my graduation status online. But it hasn't changed since I registered for class last Fall. In HS my last day I cried all day long. I just wasn't old enough!

The mall thing really happened yesterday, but not with HSfriend1 and 2. But with my other friend MissKnowItAll. I don't think I have talked about her, but lets just say she only cares about herself. We did go to a huge mall yesterday, but it was only one floor. I feel like it is 2 or 3 miles (not kinding) from one end to the other. She is going to grad school so everything was about her. I would look for like two seconds and she would let out a big sigh and just stand there. I seriously tried on one shirt. Which brings me to...

The suit in the dream, was my suit of my interview on Wednesday. The suit is done now with my hair and everything already decided. But of course last night I was still obsessing over it. Now I am "done" with my suit. But I have to wash the shirt that goes under it, which of course will skrink it, which is what I want. But watch me wash it and it get horribly distroyed. So now I am obsessing about that. But I can't wash it until tomorrow because that is "my day" to do laundry. My house is insane.

The finals thing in my dream, is really about finals, but my English final paper. So I really need to do it but instead of doing it, I am blogging. This is completely old behavior. But I didn't blog back then, so I would just sleep. Which I have already done today. I don't want to do it because my professor is an ass. He approved of my final paper and then he didn't. It has been really fun to say the else.

Today my mom is all on me to get my graduation announcements done, but I don't really want to. Plus we don't have the pictures yet so what the hell would these people get. A paper that says that I am graduating? I don't think people really want that!! WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

I am so ready

2008-04-17T13:23:00.003-04:00

I am so done with school. It is to the point where if I have sit through another lecture I am going to shoot myself. But that is not what this blog is about...its about boys!!

I had a weird dream last night about my ex-boyfriend and now I can't stop think about the fact that I am single. Now I am happy (somewhat) that I don't have boyfriend because its the end of the semester and I don't have time to give a shit about someone's feelings. I know that sounds mean but it is the truth.

But I am kind of sad that I can't bring a boy to my cousin's wedding in June. And it pisses me off how much my mom talks about me meeting the "perfect guy." I don't even believe in the perfect guy. My mom made it up to make me feel bad I think. She also keeps talking about how she met my dad when she was my age. WHATEVER!! I am so ready to give up on her and men in general.

Journal Entry

2008-04-15T13:39:00.003-04:00

Today when I was waiting for my first class I wrote in my journal.:

I've been really sick lately and I've had a lot of time to think about my sexual abuse. My mom at the time kept asking me if I has been raped at homecoming. See my mom was in England at the time of Homecoming and my dad reported that I was a horrible child after Homecoming. So when I was going crazy it had something to do with Homecoming. Thats when I told the "story" about my uncle.

Now I wonder if she had suggested it to me. I have been learning a lot about Freud lately, who claimed that that repressed memories are real. So are they real?

I have found my mind wondering. Did my mom suggest it to me? Or did learning that I can be suggested because I was mental ill make me believe it wasn't true? Or is it all the above or none of the above? Is it normal to not remember something that you remembered at some time?

I mean at the time that I was telling my doctor what happened, I believed it. I had many talks with one of my friends at the time about it. I remember remembering the bathroom. Then as time when on I don't know what I knew. I don't remember anything anymore. I wonder if I made it up because my mom wanted a reason. She suggested that it had something to with sex therefore my answer had something to do with sexual abuse.

But then again what if I am only focused on this whole suggestability thing because I was suggested by my psychology classes. Then I could be really suggestable or not at all. What if this is commonly normal? But what if its completely insane? What if its both?

How come this happened to me...

I am so Tired!!

2008-04-03T12:31:00.003-04:00

I have been so tired lately because of school and everything that has been going on. This semester has been unusually rough for me. I can't even explain why. I am not working or anything, but I am running this study group that is liking having a full time job. Everyone thinks I know the answers to everything, when really I don't. It is a very stressful class. The professor is very unorganized which makes the class even more confusing. But anyway, people keep sending him bitchy e-mails and then he talks to me about them. I don't really care, but when it turns out to be people in my group, it really pisses me off. Then I get even more stressed out and want to hurt someone.

Then whole boy thing...I am so like whatever because he is a dog and I know it, but I can't stop obsessing about him. Whatever!!!!!!1

Wow

2008-03-31T09:31:00.004-04:00

So I boy that I use to talk to a long time ago is now writting to me over e-mail. Its not like it's bad like it was before, but its kind of weird. We kind of stopped being friends after I got into a big fight with him about something stupid. That's actually all I remember was how stupid it was. I like talking to him. He is like that kind of guy I would want to date. But he is dating someone...she is really nice. I've met her before.

I do this have feeling for this boy though. I mean he is like the nicest guy ever! He was friends with me when no one else was. I really really liked him, but he just wanted to use me. Now our e-mails are nothing like they use to be. I mean we talk about his thesis and how I am graduating in May. He is graduating from this masters program. Then I think he is going on to his Ph.D. at UVA or something like that. I know he is at V. Tech right now. His girlfriend goes to UVA...I think. I don't really know the whole deal.

But whatever! I shouldn't obsess over him like I did before!

Its Been Awhile

2008-03-27T13:20:00.002-04:00

Its been a long time since I've been on here and the only thing that has changed is my hair color. I still don't have a job and I still graduating in May...in fact its 49 more days. But now its midterm and I am so done. I better go to class now...so short

Another Post because another day

2008-03-04T13:19:00.003-05:00

So I am leaving for Toledo in 3 days. I am so excited! I finally get to leave my messed up family to see my other part of my messed up family. Its actually not too bad. I finally get to see my brother. I haven't seen him in months. I never really realized how much I miss him, until the other day when we talk on the phone for an hour. I think I was kind of boring him but it was okay. He actaully ask for advice from me, too. It was amazing. Being the sanest one in my family is kind of weird!

My dad finished IOP yesterday which is good. Then this morning at like 6:30 he wanted to talk about positive thinking. Which of course is fine...but not at 6:30...not so much! I know that he has gotten better, but he is still not well. I know that it's like I am psychoanalyzing him or whatever, but its true. What can I say, I am a psych major.

The job search is coming up a negative...I know no experience in anything that I want to do, so I can't get a job. Its a catch 22! I hate it more than anything else. I know that my dad is getting nervous about this summer but I don't know what I want to do. I think I might try and get a job in Toledo at my uncle's law firm...if he will hirer me. I don't know if my parents would be down for that, but hey its not what you know, its who you, when you try to get into a law firm. And well I know my uncle...so there! I don't know where I would live if I did that, but thats seems like a side item right now. I just need a job!!!!!!!!!

Thrusday

2008-02-28T12:41:00.004-05:00

I have decided that Thrusday is my new favorite day of the week because I actually get up in the morning go to school, but then I can stay up all late and stuff because I have nothing to do the next day. I mean I always have something to do but it's never something that is earlier than 10 or 11 o'clock, which is awesome!

So I am going to Toledo for Spring Break this year...which is kind of lame because I won't be out in the sun or anything, but I get to see my family. My brother is in grad school up there and he is really excited to see me...at least I hope so! I know that he wants me to go out with this friends, which I am actually kind of excited about. I mean I know they are history losers, but really I am a psych loser so it will be good. Plus I get to see my aunt and uncle who spoil me rotten and my grandma. I get to stay at my grandma's house this time, which is bad and good. I like staying there because the bed I sleep in is so nice and the room is completely dark, but I feel bad smoking at her house. I mean she use to small and all, but that was like a million years ago when people didn't know how smoking was bad...or how bad it really was! But I guess that's the same for my aunt's house too, but my uncle smokes sometimes.

I was orginially going to take the train, but it would take 12 hours and the train would be there at like 4 am. So I found a flight that was really cheap. I am really glad I am fighing and hey this is the first time I take a plane alone. Actually this is my first time traveling alone. Most of the time when I go places its with my family, so there is no reason to travel alone. I really excited that I finally can be on my own. My mom and dad get so stressed about leaving, but I don't. For one thing, I start packing like a week in advance, so I am not stressed the night before. And another, I am always early. I can never be late because I plan out everything. If the plane is late I can't do anything about that but I will be at the airport in time that there is no way I can miss my flight!!

Ironicly, my senior year of high school, I went to Toledo for Spring Break. I don't remember why...it might just have been that my dad had the time off. My sister, my dad and I went in the car. It was pretty good, expect for driving through PA. My dad was on the phone with work and my sister couldn't drive (she was 13 or 14), so I had to. I remember it snowing the whole way that I drove. I also remember that there was so many HUGE trucks on the highway. It was really my first time driving on such a big road. I think I cried after I was done...haha! That definetly makes me laugh now. How stupid was that??

So, my dad is "doing better"...whatever that means. I know that he has only been in therapy and on meds for at the most 3 weeks, so I know that he can't be doing that well. But hey what do I know??? I do know that he screams a lot less often now, which makes my house more sane. But NOT SANE!! I've been raelly stressed out lately so I haven't really notice too many things different, but hey like I said what do I know??

So...yeah

2008-02-21T10:09:00.004-05:00

I've been so excited for today...Spice Girls Concert! But yesterday brought bad new about my dad. He is in out patient therapy, which is a good thing for him, but my parents were lying to me. I wasn't looking for anything, but he left his papers face up on the stairs and I know what IOP is so fuck him. We did talk about it but still all the secrets in my family kills us. I am so upset right now I can't even blog!

Me Bitching

2008-02-20T08:35:00.003-05:00

So I am kind of sick of school and right now I think that I am getting sick. I don't need nor want to get sick right now. I have the Spice Girls Concert on Thrusday!! But if I feel this way tomorrow I am not going to go. That makes me so mad!! I have been waiting to see them since I was like 10 and now that I am 21 I am sick for their concert...lame!!!

But on a different note, I realize how unhelpful people are for "group" work. I have a homework assignment in my I/O psyc class and I have to ask 4 people to help and well none of them really want to help. It makes me rather upset because I would help people if I had to. Whatever, the homework is stupid anyways. I know people in my class were pissed off that we had to ask other people for help. I understand why we have to do this, but on the other hand its a pain in the ass to get other people to help you. It would be better if I could use people from class, which I don't know if I can do!! It makes me so angry!

Dog Sitting

2008-02-16T09:22:00.002-05:00

So I am dog sitting all weekend, which is fine, but of course I am stressed out about everything. I have a paper due Tuesday and I just don't fucking care. But I did have some drama that I need to share.

On Valentine's Day OMGMyBoyfriend, was freaking out because her boyfriend didn't buy her anything. I understand that it is stressful for guy and everything. And I don't blame him at all. I mean she told him not to buy her anything, because she has "no expectations." Then I had to explain to her that she did in fact have expectations otherwise she wouldn't have given a shit. I don't really know what I am going to do with her. I called do something wrong...I called her boyfriend..I know I know! Anyways I told him that I wasn't mad at him or anything and I think he just need to make her a card and bring it too her work. So he did!! I was so proud!! But she was still pissed. I don't understand...I mean he did nothing and she was mad, then he did something, and she was mad! I think its because he has higher expectation than a card, but she won't admit it to herself or anyone less. Whatever!

I am just really bored lately with my life. It is kind of the same shit different day...but whatever. I have to go walk the dog.

Yesterday

2008-02-13T09:31:00.000-05:00

My test was okay yesterday! I think it was what the professor wanted! There were some really hard questions that I didn't even know what he was asking and then there were others that were really simple! I am glad the first test is over!! It makes me feel so much better! Now we all know what his test are going to be like!

Voting was fine too! I got out of class at 5:40, and the polls closed at 7, so I thought I would have plenty of time. But then my car was frozen and traffic was horrible! But I made it there at about 6:35, so it was all good. Then one guy asked me if it was my first time voting...I didn't know if I should be offended or glad that I look like I could be 18! I even think that guy has seen me before...because he is always at the voting place. I usually vote a lot earlier but yesterday morning was stressful with all the test and everything for school!

Everyone was asking me what happened to my finger...and I just was like "I was changing a tire!" I didn't want to get into the whole I did it wrong and everything because people in my neighborhood are very much like women can't do anything themselves. Whatever! But hey I can do whatever I want!

Today I have to write a paper for my class tomorrow! I am really mad that Mason didn't cancel the classes for today. But everyone is give me shit about not telling my teacher about missing class next Thrusday for the Spice Girls Concert! It like doesn't really matter, right now! My dad keeps letting me that I need to do it in person, but I keep forgetting so I am just going to e-mail him! When class is over, I can't wait to leave, so I just do!

There I finally e-mailed him...because when I am at home I always remember that I am going to the Spice Girls because it is written everywhere...well better write my paper!

Test day/Primiaries day

2008-02-12T12:28:00.000-05:00

So today should have been a good day, but actually its really stressful. So far I've had only one test, which was relatively easy and now I am waiting for another class to start. I am nervous about voting...not the actual picking the person, but the whole having to drive there after school and get in a fucking line with people that are bitchy. So how I always get behind the person who wants to complain about everything. Most of the time I just nod my head and are grateful I won't have to do this shit again for a year...but not this year!! But today would not be a good day to fuck with me...I am stressed.

My second test today is freaking me out and I really don't want to take it! I don't know difference between certain things and I really hope that I don't get shit wrong...I want to get a 100, just to piss him off! He said that no one would get a 100 on any of his test...so of course I want to prove him wrong! Even if I don't get a 100, I want like a 98 or something close...just as long as its an A! I really want to get straight A's this semester which is what I did last semester, but I so don't care about my classes. I really don't want to go to my class that starts in an hour! Fuck that English bullshit!!

The medical tape on my finger smells funny...I know random, but I been smelling it all day and I finally figured out what it was! I hate this whole finger thing...I can't even bend my finger very well...Like right now it is really hard to type and I have to type funny so that I can get all the keys. Fuck this bullshit!!

So today I brought an LSAT's book! I am thinking about taking it,but I don't really know yet. And the book is not helping me in that situation! It pretty much told me that this would be the hardest test I would ever have to take, and that it is really important that I do well...well fuck that! I am just reviewing because it is not a content based test it is more logical shit!

Morning Bitchiness

2008-02-08T10:20:00.000-05:00

So I have decided that tires in general suck. I got up today very stressed out...but hey its Friday and I have nothing to do. I was checking my e-mail to see if people from my study group have e-mailed me...and they haven't. Then my sister called to tell me that she has to change a flat tire. I of course asked Which Fucking Tire Is It?? It turns out that it is the front drivers side tire...yeah the one I just changed. I told her that since we haven't gotten a new tire from Wednesday crap, that she would have to put the crap-no-tread-tire back on. Then there was compliation with getting the flat tire off, but I guess she figured it out. I couldn't help but over the phone because I don't have a car. I guess it is at the point that we need to pay two new tires. One as a spare and one to go on the car. But really you're not suppose to do that. You should put the two new tires on the car and make the front passagener side tire the spare...all I have to say is WHATEVER!!

Then with that situation kind of resolves (well as much as can be with her at school) I called my internship...or should I say the place I am trying to get an internship. I'm pretty sure that the woman I talked to was telling me that I wasn't going to get it. But she didn't actually come out and say it. Those of you that know me, know that this pisses me off. I need the straight, upfront new, not some "well I don't know...maybe...we'll see" shit that people do. This made me decided that I need to start looking for a job now...for the Summer of course. So I sent my resume to place that is looking for an HR assistant right now. They said they would keep my resume and if there is openings in May, they would let me know...great...so still nothing!

I have officially hate everything that is going on in my life...bottom line! I have two test on Tuesday, and a rought draft due. I also have to read like 40 some pages for another class. Then I have homework due on Thursday...fuck it all. I am like passed stress and going into an emotional and mental break down. I am beyond done with everything! So I don't have a job/internship, and I have an ass load of homework to do. It fucking sucks! I feel like I need a break, but I haven't really done anything today. I am so angry that I don't even know what to do. I really should find a way to de-stress/stop a mental break down. But I am so bored that I can't think of anything...this sucks.

On top of it all, finger really hurts! I really shouldn't be typing right now...I am sure my finger is bleeding or some shit. I feel like people don't believe me...but why would I lie about that??? Really I don't want sympathy I just want people to understand that I am so overwhelmed I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I need to make a plan for my homework. That way I will feel better about getting everything done. But right now I just want to sleep...

Midday Bitch

2008-02-07T12:57:00.000-05:00

I am so bored at school right now! I know that I have to do homework with OMGMyBoyfriend this afternoon, but I am not really in the mood. Thrusday is my no homework day...but whatever.

I was in the bookstore today and was looking at the psychology books because I am doing a project on the Histroy of Hysteria and its Treatment. I just want to see if there was anything interesting, but there wasn't anything for my project. I did however see a book about cutting. I have always had a thing for cutting...not just doing it, but learning about it. But sadly I felt embarassed because someone might see me! I mean who really cares?? Its my interested and not there. Besides the fact that I can't afford it, I feel really stupid about not buying! I know that I am totally lame but I can't help it.

I am really stressed to say the least and my finger really fucking hurts!! I really hate this shit...I am so done!!

PS The picture is NOT what I want to do...it just is

PEOPLE SUCK

2008-02-07T05:43:00.000-05:00

So my friend, who we'll call OMGMyBoyfriend, called yesterday, and surprisingly she want to NOT talk about her boyfriend. She called me to let me know that we should do homework when we meet up between classes. We only meet on Thrusdays because she has a late class. But why did she call me to say that we should do homework? I mean she could have told me today! So this is my theory...

She is in a fight with one of her good friend, CrackGirl, who is kind of cool...except for the Crack part. Anyways, OMGMyBoyfriend calls someone ever time she is going to gym. So she is wants to call me. Well, she doesn't really have anything to say, so she talks about something that doesn't matter.

I don't care that she called me before going to gym, or that we are doing homework today between classes. I am mad that she called me with nothing to say other than "we are doing homework." The big topic with my friends lately is the whole Senioritus (or how ever you spell it) thing, I wouldn't mind talking about that. School talking is not an issue either. But this like with RichmondGirl called me to bitch about my brother. I just don't care.

On another note, I saw an old "classmate" yesterday, and said likely I don't know his name. I really like him. I mean he's hot and everything, but he is just nice! I don't even really know why. He said I should call or something, which I might because I do have his number in my phone, but I just don't know his name.

I could totally date him, if he didn't have a girlfriend! I use to be a homewrecker, but now I am reformed. And actually it was only one relationship I wanted to wreck and it would have fucked up my life too. Anyways, this NoNameGuy has a girlfriend that he always talks about. I think its really nice and refreshing to hear positive things about your significant-other. OMGMyBoyfriend, always bitches about her's. I am to the point that I kind of don't care.

The point is I guess, that I am sick of people who pretend to care. I know I should be grateful that I have friends at all, but I want friends with substance. Not some superficial bullshit that makes me mad.

This is so my Life!!

2008-02-06T13:36:00.000-05:00

So today was interesting and its only the afternoon. This morning I woke up and did my usually routine. Then I decided that before I get dressed, I should change the tire on my car. It has been bad for awhile and I thought that there must be a whole in it. I have a full spare, so it would be all good.

As I had lifted my car up and was trying to get the bolts off the tire. Well when it was in the "air," I couldn't because I had to step on the lossening thing and in the "air" the tire would move from side to side and I didn't want to get hurt. So I brought the car back down and started to remove the bolts...it was fine until I took off the last bolt. The tire and the bolt only like snapped. Not off, just forward, where my finger was. I was bleeding so I went inside and overed it up. I had to finish the tire, so I did, with a bloody finger.

Once I had the spare on, I start to lower the car. I notice that as I did, the tire got flatter and flatter. I knew that I had nothing at home that would fill it up. So with my bloody finger and in my pj, I drove on a flat tire to the gas station to fill it up. Luckily I got there before on guy pulled in. It took forever, because the tire was so flat.

So I get back home, and I am like "Fuck it's 11 o'clock and I still have so much to do!" I decided that to wash my face I had to unwrap my finger. I looked at for real for the first time. I was like "Holy SHIT!!" I called my mom, who is a nurse and asked her if I need stitches. Well she made me call the doctors office. The nurse said that is doubted that I need stitches, but I needed a tetanus shot because I hadn't had one in like 7 or 8 year. So I told her that I needed to get dress before I came.

My appointment was a 12, but they didn't see me until 12:30. My mom works at the same doctors office so she came with me. Then they gave me the shot and bandaged it up. So now I am home and have done mostly what I need to do, but my finger fucking hurts like a bitch! I still have class tonight but with all this drama in the morning, I am worn out! Just thought I'd let people know!

Just need to Bitch

2008-02-05T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm of course so stressed out once again because today I realized how depressed my dad is. We have a gas card (well a card we always charge gas too) and we all fill up the cars on Sunday night. Well that didn't happen this week, because of course the SuperBowl. So my mom and I had to do my car today, which I expected and was not surprised. But my dad however, was suppose to fill up this car last night because I have to drive my mom to work on Tuesdays and Thrusday. This is of course due to the fact that my sister must drive a car to school everyday because it her senior year. Well it doesn't matter that is it my senior year...so whatever.

Anyways gas...okay so my dad was so depressed yesterday he didn't fill his car up. So my mom and I had to go from home to the gas station back home, so that my dad would have the card. Now this is not that stressful, but it makes me realize how sick my dad is. I of course I have known for awhile, being a psychology major and all. I realized that his anger was really depression. He would (and still does) get mad about the most stupid things. I mean if I take out the trash 5 minutes later than he said I should...ummm it doesn't really matter if the trash doesn't came for another ya know...24 hours.

Since I know its depression I should understand being all depressed and everything. But I don't! I know what its like to be in that state but I don't understand how you don't want to get out of it. When I was given help, I fucking took it! I had to for my life! But my dad thinks that since he's been depressed for so long it doesn't really matter if it takes a few more months. I don't think he realizes that he is getting more depressed as the days go on! But hey what do I know...I mean I am only a psychology major that has recovered from depression (well not that true...but you know what I mean).

My Monday

2008-02-04T18:15:00.000-05:00

So far today has been rather boring. I've been reading everyone's blog and stuff and commenting. I feel sometimes like an idiot though. Like I ask question and people give the answers, but like I don't understand what they are saying. Plus I've been feeling done in the dumps lately. I've been trying to find a blog that is about ex-cutter and shit, but none are out there. All my friends that use to cut don't talk about it. And all the blogs online are about people still cutting. Frankly I don't need that shit...I'm not saying that I'm better than that but I don't want people to "help" me out. I mean everyone needs help sometimes but I don't need people telling how not to cut because I haven't in awhile.

But right now I just need to vent about all the shit thats been going on. I didn't hang out with that guy I talked about because I honestly wasn't feeling well because I was freaking out about having to go to school tomorrow. Now I have to go to school every fucking Tuesday at 9 am. I have to get up at fucking 5:30...but its like whatever...I have to do it. But today was freaking me out because I just don't want to go anymore. I feel like I should be done with school. I am so over school work...especially homework, that is more like busy work.

This one class is freaking me out. First off, the professor has never taught at Mason before, which is fine because that has happened to me twice. But like this dude is completely insane. He can't explain himself at all. Like last class he was telling us how to round and it was a joke. He kept changing his mind and finally after everyone had left he got it "right"! It was over complicated. Then there is a website for Mason that puts all the notes on line, Webct. He has been trying to set it up for three weeks now...its like "Oh my fucking God, its not that hard!!" Then we have a test next Tuesday, but he said we would have all the notes by last Thrusday, so none of us took really good notes. Now since Webct isn't up yet, we are all going to fail the test because our notes suck. I know mine do! Then also for the class, attendence is required...which by Mason policy you can't do that! But he does and fuck it if I am going to go to every single class. I know already one in which I will miss. For Christmas, my sister and I got Spice Girls ticket for a Thrusday night. I can't go to class and make it to the concert in time, so I am just going to miss it. And I know that one night I will be like "I just want to go home!" so I will. FUCK IT!!

As you can tell I am fucking stressed. I am usually like this but right now I am really feeling it. I know its because I feel all depressed about something. I'm not sure what it is, but its probably that I feel stupid about this one thing that I did! Like anyone will remember! But hey whatever! Really what I need is some support from someone who fucking cares

(okay this kind of a woh is me blog...but whatever! You're the one that read the whole thing. so ha!)

I can't believe the patriots lost!!!

2008-02-04T09:54:00.000-05:00

I really can't believe the Patriots lost last night. But since the Gaints won it is okay I guess because they are the first wild card team in the east to win the super bowl. It was actually really boreding watch in the middle, but at the end it was great. I told my sister near the end of the game that there is not way the Gaints would win! How wrong I was!!!
*

So I am having some issues...there is this guy. I've known him for seriously like 15 or 16 years. We were always kind of friend because we both did swim team, so I saw him a lot. Now he has come back to NOVA and like wants to chill. But he is such a loser!! I mean I've lived at home since...well since I was born...so my parent had to get over the whole smoking thing and they accept that I drink (and sometimes get really drunk). But he doesn't tell his family anything like that...at all. He didn't even tell his family that he is hanging out with me "because of what they might say." I was like What the fuck dude?? I just don't understand why he still pretends like he is in high school. I mean he is 22 and he lives at home, so his parents will just have to accept that he does shit. I just hate it when he lies when I hang out with him!! He is really that ashamed about being with me??? Whatever.
*

I don't even think I am going to hang out with him today anyways. Right now I am not feel so great. I always wake up and feel kind of sick, but today its really bad. I have a sore throat and a headache. But I feel like I have to write this blog, to keep people updated on my life. Not that my life is too interesting. But hey its fun to hear about other people's drama.

I was reading a post by someone on The-F-Word blog and they said something that I find everyday in my life. Some one said that the blog "In defense of the cupcake"that it had inspire her, and that someday she might change. That is the key someday I might change! That implies that she wants to but she can't or won't. I find this so often in my life. I see everything in black and white. Good or bad. There is no gray area anywhere. And I hate it, so someday I might change it! Why the fuck don't I just do it right now?? I know why...its because I am scared. I don't know how to see things in shades of gray. I don't really believe there is something.

The worst about the whole good vs bad thing is people. They are either good people are bad people. That includes me too. So sometimes I am a good person and sometimes I am a bad person. But with other people they are usually good or bad all the time. I really hate it. It makes me so angry because I know people can be somewhere in the middle...

Honestly though, I don't know how to change anything about myself. Especially this because I've had it my whole like...maybe because I have a disorder that makes me this way or because my parents made me things way (maybe not made but certainly helped).

Super Bowl Sunday

2008-02-03T16:04:00.000-05:00

So I've decided that my family is not too much fun. Usually we have the family friend's over for the super bowl but since we were there last night...until 1 am...my parents decided that we just watch it ourselves. Thats not the "not too much fun" part though. Right this very second is not the fun part. My dad is sitting on this computer in my brother's (old) room, listen to the radio that the whole fucking house can here. My mom is sitting on her bed watching some TV show, that has to be louder than my dad's radio. Then my sister is in her room, she is either asleep or she is reading a book. This is not fun! And this is what we do every fucking Sunday, without fail.

My plan for today, was to do some homework so that I wouldn't have to do anything tomorrow. Monday is by day off from school (because I wanted to work) and I don't want to do anything. But instead, I didn't get up until 10 o'clock, which isn't that bad. Then I sat around for awhile thinking I was going to throw up due to the drinking last night. Then my head really started to hurt, so I went back to bed. I got up at 3 and took a shower and now I am sitting here writing another blog. This is not fun!

Well, writing a blog is better than writing a memo about an interview that I did, but still...I mean I am on the computer. I often wonder "What do normal people do??" This then implies that I don't think I am normal, which I know I am not. But who cares about what "normal people" do? It can't be that much fun, otherwise I would have already been invited, right??

Sunday has always been my homework day. When I worked and had an internship, Sunday was my day off, so that is all I would do...HOMEWORK!! Now that I have many days off, Sunday is just my sit-around-and-be-bored day. I wish something would happen on Sunday's! I know that the Super Bowl is today, but that means that my family will try and watch the game, but I want the Patriots and my sister and mom want the Gaints, so we will get in some kind of fight! Then I will get all pissed off because it's just a stupid game.

Okay, now you see what I do!! I start freaking out about something that hasn't even happened yet. The ball hasn't even gotten on to the field. The game doesn't start until like 6 EST and now it is only like 4...I hate this about myself. I also hate that I read this person's blog and now I have so many questions, but I don't want to act like a dump ass and ask them. It was The-f-word and I just have question about "good" and "bad" food...how do I change that?? Whatever! I sure that the person could say whatever they want I would still do my own shit. I hate this!

Okay so now I need to de-stress. I have to think of happy things. Like how soon it is the even light and dark!! I can't wait because I hate walking out of my class in the dark and its only like 6 o'clock. I also can't wait for it to be warm! It is kind of nice today, like I don't have to go outside with a coat or anything, but it's not nice enough that I can be warm without long-sleeves. I also am excited about Feb. 21st because I am going to the Spice Girls concert with my sister. I have never seen them because I wasn't "allowed" to go to concert when they were popular. My sister and I are going to have so much fun!! Well that's all I got for now!

Last Night

2008-02-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

Last night was actually pretty good. I think mostly because I had way too much to drink! But it was also great talking with people that I haven't seen in awhile. Their family is like my family. I can them Uncle who-ever and stuff. I love one of their uncles because he is great! We talked a lot and had way too many smokes, but thats alright.

My mom was really drunk by the end of it and of course we were talking about politics! Now people in the room are not register to vote, so my opinion (very drunken opinion) was that they should not have the right to say anything about who should be president. This includes my mom, who is not an American citizen. I keep saying this so my mom covered up my mouth...to the point I could bearly breath, but my mom had to have her say. But it didn't just happen once or twice, it happen like 4 or 5 times. My sister got a video of it on her cell phone!! But she didn't even get the best one, she got one where my mom hadn't really covered my mouth. It was insane!

I also talked with the girl I talked about in the blog about friends. It was really good actually so now I feel guilty about what I said. I know that I was in a really pissed off mood, but I should be nice to people. I really don't have a lot of friends because I usually push them away because it is hard to be friends with people. But now (in hangover mode) I feel like I should have a lot of friends. That I shouldn't give up on friendships because one time they will be there for me. I know its all stupid and shit, but whatever.

On the other hand, I found out that I am a happy drunk! That's a good thing! I know most people in my family are mean drunks, but not really in my immediate family. But I do know that my immediate family is really upset when people get drunk! But I was not alone yesterday in my drunkenness. My mom was and my second mom (the women who the party was for) was, and since I was so drunk I don't really know if more people were drunk. Most people there are older than me and they can hold their drinks if you know what I mean. I talk a lot of medication that of course effects my liver, which is where alcohol goes as well. So what happens in my liver is working over time, but still the alcohol backs up in my system, so I not only get drunk faster than most people, but if I keep drinking (like I did last night) I stay drunk for longer. It actually really sucks because I feel sick. That is why I never get drunk really. The last time even drank (I think) was New Years. I did get drunk on New Years too. But I had never really had champaign, so I didn't know how drunk I could get!

I actually want to define what I consider "drinking" because it not like I have had no alcohol since New Year...I have, but usually just one drink! I think drinking is where you have more than one drink. I don't drink everyday, so I am not trying to rationalize something, but that's what I think. I sure if you ask a substance abuse therapist or something, they would disagree. I know that people in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) would disagree with me. I actually know a lot of people in AA, it's really funny. I use to go to meetings with them, so I know other people in AA. I do see some of them a lot, but I never know what to say...but this is so off topic for what I was talking about.

Okay, the party last night. Well my present to my second mom, was to get her cartilage pierced because I am love getting people pierced! For my sister's 18th birthday (last week) we got her noise pierced! I gave my second mom's daught, a friend of mine, a piercing for Christmas. So my second mom always told me that when she turned 50 that she would get her cartilage pierced! I am so happy that she might do it. My mom will never ever do it, but hey thats cool! So my second mom has to! Otherwise she has to get a tattoo, which is said she might! I honestly don't know what she will do, but I hope she gets something!

Gnarls Barkely Crazy

2008-02-02T16:55:00.000-05:00

This video is the definition of me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w&feature=related

What is this 4 blogs in one day??

2008-02-02T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well I am bored again. Just going to say whatever is on my mind. First off, I can't decide if I really like people not reading my blog or not. I mean really it doesn't matter. I'm sure that people could say whatever they want and I would still do my own thing. But it would be nice to know that somewhere in the cyber world I have a friend...

That brings me to my next topic...friends! I am not sure if I have any real friends. I have people that I talk to and people that I eat lunch with. But really they do most of the talking and I do most of the listening. I kind of hate it. I know that people are selfish, because I can be selfish too. But I think I know when to be self-less. I know that if someone just needs to bitch, they just need to bitch! They probably don't even care what I think or say. I know most of my "friends" consider me their bitch girl. I am! I've been through so much therapy that I know how to listen and when to talk. Most of my friends are female, so they usually complain about their boyfriend. They think I know a lot about boyfriend or just relationships in general because I've had a lot of them. But sadly I just know when it is over. I don't know how to predict when it will be over, but when it's done I know it.

Kind of keeping on the friends topic. A girl I went to high school with is getting married today...and no I am not invited. Actually only family is invited and I don't even think her brother or sister are going. But she wanted to hang out with all her friend from NOVA, before she moved down to North Carolina with her new military husband. I was actually really excited for that. I mean this girl and I hardly hang out anymore because she always is in a relationship. So I thought "Hey we can hang out just girls and drink until we pass out!" Well all her other friends from NOVA (that I don't know) wanted to go into DC clubbing. I hate clubbing! I am not so good with crowds (maybe thats why I blog), so I told her "Hey why don't you and me go out for some drinks!" She just didn't call me back...at all! I kind of still can't believe it. I know that she is getting married and all. Plus she has to move all her shit down to North Carolina, but a call back would have been nice. See but I know this girl, when she cames back to NOVA in the summer before her husband goes to Iraq, she will want to hang out. She will call me and want to talk about how her husband is going to die. She will want to be like everything is okay...but its not! I want to be like "What the fuck, bitch! You didn't call me before you left, to even say you can't make it for drinks! You just left! I know that we are the greatest friends anymore but still...we are friends...so fuck off!" But I won't I will be all happy that she is back. I will listen to everything she has to say. I won't even mention that we didn't get drinks, even though I will think about it.

Another thing I hate is when people pretend to be my friend. My family and this family that we are getting together with today, do everything together. Everything! I mean every fucking holiday, birthday, anything. Like Christmas, the Superbowl, the fucking kentucky derby....who the fuck "celebrates" that?!? They have a girl that is my age. I've known her since I was born - she is 9 months older than me! She lives in Richmond where my brother use to live, so she is more friends with him then she is with me. Now my brother lives in Ohio and can't really get down here for everything that our families do together. And frankly she doesn't came up from Richmond every time we do something together...but moving on...When my brother is not here, we are friends! She talks to me like nothing has changed! We are all still friends and stuff....she acts like she really cares whats going on with me...but I know she doesn't because of her body language! But if my brother is here...OMG, you better believe that she doesn't even know me! She like acts like I am someone she just meet. True story, on Tuesday she called me when I was in class. I was really surprised! I thought it might be like my mom or some shit, but no it was her. She wanted to talk about something my brother had said over winter break! That was like at least month ago. He told me that if my graduation and her graduation were on the same day, that he would only go to her's. I pretty much start...well I fucking don't care, do whatever you want! But of course, it got around to all the families, that my brother doesn't want to came to my graduation! So she called me to talk about how he was an ass-hole!! Whatever dude!! My brother has missed most of the important stuff in my life, so its not like it's anything new. And frankly I didn't believe him!! One reason is because I knew that my graduation and her's wouldn't be on the same day. Mine is during the week and VCUs is usually on the weekends...hey guess what?? I was right! But that is beside the point...I don't care if you think my brother is an ass-hole!! My brother will do whatever he want, whenever he want. Why don't you can't you call me when you want to talk to me!

My guilt

2008-02-02T12:29:00.000-05:00

So I figured out my guilt. After writing the last blog, I made myself another cup of coffee and just laid in bed for a few minutes. This usually makes me more depressed, so I decided to make my bed and take a shower.

While shaving my legs (cuz I have to wear a skirt for the party tonight) I realize why I was feeling guilty. I wrote an e-mail to an ex-professor - actually a graduate student - for a class interview. She told me that she want fun questions. I told her not all of them could be fun, but I would think of a few. So I did. I asked her when she was getting married (she is engaged) and if we could have coffee sometime because I feel like she understands me.

Then I saw her last night at Vagina Monologues because she works for sexual assult services at Mason, who produces it. I asked her if she got my e-mail and she had, but she hadn't had time to rely. This was fine I told her because the paper wasn't due until Tuesday and it only had to be a page long. But then that is all she said.

I started to think that I had maybe crossed a line when I asked her for coffee. Maybe she didn't want to go because she thinks I am weird or something. In fact, she might hate me all together. But then my friend was with me last night so we talked about something else. So I kind of forgot!

Then this morning I must have checked my e-mail 4 or 5 times and it made me nervous that she hadn't e-mailed me. That when I must have started feeling guilty again. But of course I have no time to think at my own house because everyone is everywhere and in everyone's business. The shower was the only time I had to myself. That is why I figured it out.

I wish that I didn't have this innate feeling that everyone hates me. I mean people that are clearly my friends, I believe secretly hate me because I am weird. I know that I am weird so really it shouldn't be that bad but it is.

I feel like everyone is looking at me when I walk around campus, but surely this is not true. I mean the only reason I look at other people is for their shoes. I know kind of weird but I LOVE shoes! Whenever I'm feeling down I try on new shoes. I can't buy them of course because I am a college student who is broke. But still I feel like everyone is talking behind my back.

For example, on Thrusday, I was walking to my class and people that passed me said "That's the girl!" Now were they talking about me?? I have no idea. Should I care? No way, but I do. I mean what is so wrong with me?? I don't really think they could be talking about me because I was like right next to them when they said that. The only reason people do that is to let me know that they are talking about me. I didn't even know these girls. At least I don't think so. I am not mean to people on campus so there can be anything I did to them that I just don't remember! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?? I know no one reads this, but if someone ever does...are you the same way??

Stressing

2008-02-02T11:07:00.000-05:00

Right now I am very stressed. I feel guilty about something. I know there are many things lately that have made me feel guilty or angry. Usually when I feel angry it's because I feel embarrassed or guilty about something. But right now it's really bad. I keep telling myself in my head that I miss my mom. Right now my mom is in the shower like two rooms done from me. Soon she will be out of the shower and still will be two rooms done from me.

Usually when I say that I miss my mommy, it's because there is something going on in my head that I can't get out. But right now I don't know what it is. I am insecure about something, but what? I mean I do have a lot of homework because I have redo something that my professors have changed but still that doesn't seem good enough to be freaking out as much as I am. I just have a few things to do today, nothing that bad. I know that I am nervous about going to a family friend's birthday party thing, but I know them so well that usually I don't freak out as much as this.

It might be that I have already had like two smokes and its only what like 11:30? But that usually doesn't make me feel guilty it just makes me feel gross that I have already had that many. I know that I am thirsty (see water water everywhere), but that doesn't make me feel guilty either. It does make me mad but only because I have to pee a lot afterwards. I wish I knew what was going on in my head.

Maybe it has something to do with something that happened on Wednesday. I was waking from my car to class, when someone that I had class with two summer ago, said hi. When I knew him, he was Kristen, but now he is Christian. I of course said "Hey Girl!" Not only did it make me feel stupid but I thought maybe he would be mad at me. But nothing really happened we just chattted about classes and how they sucked. But I don't know why I still feel guilty about that.

Then on Friday, I called the place where I am looking for a job. I asked if I had it or not. But they didn't know, but I felt guilty that I just said "Do I pretty much have or should I look for something else?" But once again, they probably don't remember that I said that. Only I would keep playing it over and over in my head.

I do feel kind of weird - maybe not guilty - that no one reads this blog. I don't really know what to do about that. I read other people's blogs and comment on their's but no one reads mine or comments on it. I don't really want people who I know really well to read it either because I am sure one day I will want to bitch about them and then they could read it. That would be really bad. How do people get other people to read their blogs?? But once again I don't really feel guilty about that. Just more disappointed it!

I fucking don't know what I am going to do! I have taken my meds and everything. If someone just reads this please give me some advise!!

Vagina Monologues

2008-02-02T09:52:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to Vagina Monologues with my friend at Mason. We had seem it before for a class, but this time it was better. They had some of the same monologues that they did two years ago, but it was still awesome.

The whole point of Vagina Monolgues is to stop voilence against women. They tell story about women that have been raped and hurt by men. This then made them ashamed of their vaginas. It is really sad. Now there is even a day for this VDay, 2-14. It has been happening every year since 1998 and will continue until all women are safe from voilence. This makes me really happy because I want all women to be safe.

Being a victum myself, I feel like everyone should see vagina monologues to see what happens when women are disrepected and rape!

My BMI

2008-02-01T16:23:00.000-05:00

So I talk a lot of shit about the BMI system. So today I decided what my BMI is/was (I haven't weighted myself in like 2 months). Well it turns out that I am "normal" and that it is 20.1. Which is fine and whatever...but I am so unhealthy.
My issues
- HPV
- Teeth and gum disease(s)
- Heart Burn
- Depression
- (Maybe) Boarderline Personality Disorder
- Anxiety Disorder(S)
- High cholesterol
- Some kind of body temperture issue

Now that doesn't seem that good but my weight is fine--even though high cholesterol is associated with being overweight...weird!

I do read blogs about fit at any size...because I am small size but NOT FIT AT ALL!! What should I do??
- Start exercising
- Eat right
- Take care of my "medical issues"

That seems all great as I am writing this on the computer, but how the hell am I going to do that?? Especially since I don't know HOW to take care of my medical issues (well someone of them)!! WHATEVER

Water Water everywhere!!??!!

2008-02-01T12:17:00.000-05:00

I have found out today that a person needs to drink six to eight glass (8 fl oz) a day. That is anywhere from 48 to 56 fl oz a day. That is pretty good. It's actually more if you are more active than me. So I figured out that yesterday I drank almost 90 fl oz of water. Is this bad? I don't really enjoy water too much. I rather be drink something else like grape juice than water, but water really makes me not thristy anymore! However, I am doubting that as well. I drank so much water yesterday that I was peeing like 3 times an hour. Which would be fine if I was just at home, but I had four classes yesterday. By the end of my last class (which attentence is required) I had to pee for like five minutes. I am getting really concerned about the water drinking now.

This morning I had to get up at 6 am to use the bathroom, then I went back to bed. Then I wake up for real at 10 am and had to use the bathroom again. Then I had a cup of coffee (which usually makes me need to pee) and at 10:45 had to pee again. But I didn't just pee a little. I peed for what felt like 10 minutes. Then by 11:30 had to pee again.

My mom is nurse and told me that since I am quiting smoking that maybe this is just what my body needs. Others have told me that its because it's really dry out. Still others have told me that it may not have a reason because I am only drinking when my body is thirsty. My body wouldn't make me do something that its not suppose to do right? I mean we are not like horses that would eat themselves to death if they had the chance, right? But I also do know that if you drink too much water it will kill you. I seriously doubt that I am drink that much water, but 90 fl oz is a lot. I mean could my body want to kill me?

I really should go see a doctor because as you can tell this is really making me nervous. I hate doctors though. They always want to me to do test after test after test. I am sure that this drinking of water will pass. Well at least I hope!

On a different note: Today is Heart Disease in Women Awareness. Everyone who wants a cure for heart disease in women (the number one killer of women) should be wearing red today!!

Friday Morning

2008-02-01T10:12:00.000-05:00

Friday mornings are the worst for me! I have no classes on Fridays and I still don't have a job, so mostly I sit around and wait for my mom to get home. It really sucks! Today is just as bad as the rest as well becasue once again my dad is home and he likes to talk talk talk to me right when I first get up. I sometimes do homework on Fridays but since it's the beginning of the semester I don't feel like I need to do homework today.

Also on Fridays, my sister usually goes out with her friends (she's 18) and I usually stay home and hang out with my parents. But today that's different. However, I am going out with a girl who doesn't understand that I am trying to quit smoking. It is really hard for me to watch people smoke right now. And when we sit in the smoking area of a resuant, I really want to smoke! It not that big of a deal really though because I am the one who decides if I smoke or not. But of course I feel like I should have a smoke when someone else is. WHATEVER!

My First Blog

2008-01-31T13:00:00.001-05:00

I have never blogged before and this is my first time. I was actaully supposed to blog for a social work class of mine, but of course I forgot the whole semester until my grade came out with a B-! I was very upset to say the less.
I am in my final semester at Mason, for psychology. Graduation is May 15 at 1:30! I am really excited and hope everything will go well!